The CDC’s press release confirmed what many have thought possible for years: reading any sort of newspaper articles can lead to the life-long disease.
‘It was once said that reading newspaper articles could only lead to an educated mind and ink stains on your fingertips,’ said Dr. Val Trex from the CDC. ‘Now, it can lead to infected naughty bits and embarrassing conversations before the magic happens.’
Many avid readers assumed that there is such a thing as ‘safe reading’ and resorted to reading online articles. However, articles online still pose a risk of contracting herpes, according to researchers.
‘Just the act of touching a computer keyboard can expose you to the herpes simplex virus,’ said CDC spokesperson Dr. Nye Eve Attey. ‘The risk is relatively smaller than when reading print editions, but it should still be a concern for Americans. Over the next 20 years, we project over three billion Americans will contract the virus this way. We could be on our way to a major pandemic unless immediate action is taken.’
In an attempt to avoid any undue infection, editors at many newspapers have started wearing latex gloves around the office. Repeated hand washing is encouraged, but this has contributed to a small rise in the rate of obsessive-compulsive disorder cases on campus.
Following up its recent, absolutely truthful, report suggesting that there was a link between the widely-played drinking game ‘beer pong’ and the spread of herpes, the CDC report has come as a major shock to many college students, especially those who are currently reading newspapers.
Americans, it has been reported will believe that almost anything will spread herpes as long as it says it in print, the report states.
‘It’s amazing really,’ one CDC representative said, through the grapevine. ‘We just release this stuff and people will stop doing the most random of things because they really don’t want herpes … I mean this one time, Tim from accounting forwarded an e-mail that said you could get irritable bowel syndrome from using public bathroom and Steve from IT drove home everyday during lunch to use his own toilet.’
CDC researcher Dr. Ree L. Doctor has studied the recent trend of Americans, particularly college students, believing nearly anything will cause the spread of herpes as well as athlete’s foot, the clap, the common cold, scarlet fever, yellow fever and a recently discovered ailment known as glerpes.
Glerpes, a sexually-transmitted infection that is composed of craft glitter and venereal diseases, has emerged as the most dangerous new disorders in the world. Craft stores nationwide have issued a recall for the shiny substance that never comes off, no matter how hard you scrub your skin in the shower.
It has also been reported that college students have a tendency to search for the word ‘gullible’ on ceilings. This information’s source has not been confirmed, but anonymous source, CDC executive Mike Rotch, has confidentially attributed that the widespread usage of the internet and miscellaneous blog posts.
Since it has been confirmed that newspapers, computers and most other things that you can touch will cause herpes, it is recommended that you stop reading this immediately, and take a bath in Clorox bleach.
/women of the ed/opalypse. They can be found on campus.
