Coca-Cola, for generations the drink of choice for millions of Americans, is the Bud-Light of non-alcoholic drinks. It’s tasteless, cheap and loaded with more calories than you can shake a stick at. But, like Bud-Light, Coke epitomizes good old-fashioned American values like hard work, entrepreneurship, racism, ruthless dealings with unions and the attempt to monopolize markets.

It is also the official soft drink of the United States military. Ahhh, I can just taste the red, white and blue patriotic bubbles.

As a staple of American culture, Coke is here to stay. The Coca-Cola Company has done a fine job of exporting America to the world at large, to the point where Coke and America are synonymous.

From hiring paramilitary troops to crack down on unions in Latin America to using water with pesticides in India, Coke is like a mini, private version of the United States government.

High fructose corn syrup, caffeine and phosphoric acid all unite to be tangy on the tongue, a cause of diabetes and increase the heart rate to dangerous levels. God, I love it.

It’s killing us with cold, bottled and refreshing happiness. Coca-Cola has bought property in Egypt that was stolen from people because they were Jewish, supported Nazi Germany and fired employees because of their race.

There is no reason to boycott Coke products, or have this university end its contracts with this fine company. We’re mostly Americans here, we’re all going die someday and everyone’s a little bit racist.

Coke isn’t just a conglomerate with huge influence and unethical business practices; Coke is a mesocosm of America. It bridges the gap between the individual American and the nation.

In a way, drinking Coke is a kind of communion, where we consume the distilled substance of our nation. Indeed, that could be a new ad campaign: Da Vinci’s The Last Supper, but with Coke bottles instead of goblets.

After all, Jesus, as determined by poll, is the greatest American of all time.

But I digress. Coke has earned, or rather spent, its way to the top of American culture.

Cute holiday ads with polar bears and Santa Claus and the tendency of the American press not to cover anything outside of the United States that doesn’t happen in western Europe (the Khomeini principle: take the revolution to where the reporters want to go and you’ll get world-wide coverage) has meant that Coke’s reputation is largely untarnished outside of radical college campuses.

The fizzy, over caffeinated, caramel-colored, carbonated drink is a tasty, guilty pleasure for people all over the world. As a symbol of capitalism, Coke has displaced Pepsi in Russia (because Pepsi was distributed by the Soviet Union) and its southern charm and willingness to be sold in Israel has alienated the Muslim world.

The Coke-Pepsi rivalry is one of the greatest corporate rivalries ever, enriching meaningless conversation and filling television airtime everywhere.

Of other great rivalries, who would chose Coke and who would choose Pepsi? I think Red Sox for Coke and Yankees for Pepsi; America for Coke and Russia for Pepsi; Germany for Coke and France for Pepsi; Kobe for Coke and Shaq for Pepsi; Lincoln for Coke and Douglas for Pepsi; Coke for St. Thomas Aquinas and Pepsi for St. Augustine; Coke for Aristotle and Pepsi for Plato.

Coke, it is clear, is the drink of winners.

Everybody wants to be a winner, so everyone should drink Coke. The bottle also looks like a rocket ship, making it even better. Cans have a less distinguishable shape. All cans look pretty much the same, but only the Coca-Cola bottle looks so much like a rocket ship. This makes Coke progressive and fearless, because rockets indicate scientific advancement and the triumph of the human spirit over fear.

Never fear, Coca-Cola is here!

With McDonald’s, nothing is more decadent. A soda which destroys teeth and health and bone, but is enjoyed with pleasure.

It’s like a drug, but it’s legal and doesn’t get you high, it just refreshes you. Together with the perversion of food called McDonald’s, full of disgusting grease and undercooked meat, we have perfected the great criticism of
America: We are the only nation to pass from savagery to barbarism without the intervening stage of civilization.

But that’s unfair to barbarians, who usually have redeeming features such as an appreciation of nature and law.

So let’s all raise a glass of cold Coca-Cola and celebrate our national greatness. Coke: the drink that’s energized an empire! (Drink Moxie.)‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘

Matthew M. Robare is a Collegian columnist. He can be reached at [email protected].