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Death panels: the new liberal threat

Abraham Lincoln, lawyer and log peddler, is often at the top of best president lists compiled by the academic establishment. Lincoln’s role in the Civil War is the primary reason.  I used to agree as I am an established academic, but over the summer I tapped into – or perhaps was tapped by – a particularly influential form of persuasion. Within minutes I rationalized an entire belief system where milk-steaming liberals like Lincoln are the arch-agents of violent chaos within and outside of our Republic.

Over the summer, I did a lot of commuting in my car. After I wore my Battlestar Galactica soundtracks and Weird Al albums down to smears of dime sized dust, I decided to give the radio some listening time. What a medium of enlightened discourse is the radio wave.  With the twist of a dial, I could change from pop beats throbbing with vaginal metaphors to folksy yodeling evocative of apple pies wrapped in beer soaked flags.

Talk radio was a welcome intellectual oasis and, being as impressionable as a warm wax seal, I was soon converted to the kind of thinking that such stations promote. I do not refer to National Public Radio because I believe in the free market’s economic right to support what should be heard on the air. My tax dollars should not go towards public education. They should have to pay tuition like myself.

I instead listened to WTKK in Boston, which broadcasts conservative talk hosts. From the radio, I rapidly caught up with death panels, the latest example of mineral water sipping liberals trying to destroy America one man at a time.

At first glance, death panels may sound appealing to us fiscal conservatives. After all, what better way to slash health care costs than by bodily removing entire people from the system?  But more rational thoughts prevailed: it’s only right to kill those who God wants dead right now instead of later.

Christ-crucifying liberals further their agenda with the most violent acts in the historical record, being eclipsed only by God’s mass killing of the entire world sans Noah. Alexander the Great was a vicious conqueror of Persian lands and Greek men and the first example of a violent current in liberalism. He used force of arms to overthrow a centuries-old monarchy and spread Greek democracy throughout the known world. We still struggle with the effects of his radicalism to this day.

Centuries later, American Taliban progenitor John Brown led an abortive rebellion in the name of liberal abolitionism in 1859. Only two years later in 1861, Abraham Lincoln begins to end what Brown began by ending states’ rights in favor of centralized federal control.  America’s own heartland attack which has left us paralyzed and drooling for over a hundred years.

Note Lincoln and his Union’s position in the North, the typical geopolitical position chosen by liberals for their strongholds. Palin’s Alaska forms a notable anomaly. A century after the end of Lincoln’s tyranny saw a South Korea and South Vietnam fighting against the liberal socialist forces from their respective Norths. And both North Korea and Vietnam were puppets of the USSR, a Union in the northernmost points of the Earth. The abominable snowman is surely a registered Democrat.

This brings us full circle to death panels. Death panels are to President Obama as General Grant was to Lincoln. Where in the past the free market provided an adequate gauge of a person’s lifespan, Obama intervenes with a government standardized measure of quality of life. European Ashkenazi Jews suffer from increased levels of hereditary and expensive to treat ailments like breast cancer or Crohn’s disease. If Anne Frank survived the Holocaust, she probably would have been condemned to die by a death panel.

Are my claims ludicrous coincidences woven together with tenuous paranoia? Consider instead that the pervasiveness of our enemy provides us discerning citizens with clues everywhere. We must do our part. If Al Gore wants the world to burn, then fight back by running your car air conditioners with the windows down in February. Advocate that death panelists be given the death penalty. Stop the decay of tradition before the progressives legislate dendro-sexuality into our laws and our children are placed into arranged marriages with spruce and pine. Only be liberal in your fear of tomorrow.

Chris Amorosi is a Collegian columnist. He can be reached at camorosi@student.umass.edu.

Comments
5 Responses to “Death panels: the new liberal threat”
  1. JL Alexander says:

    This column is total crap and it should never have been published.

  2. @JL I actually had qualms about publishing your comment, but figured I’d give you the chance to follow up. For future reference, comments that contribute nothing to the conversation will be deleted.

    I don’t take issue with your characterization of the column, but you don’t exactly explain yourself. Surely you can’t expect the author or his editors to take anything way from something like that.

    /S.P. Sullivan, managing editor

  3. Matt Connors says:

    This is my favorite satire piece ever.

    He really makes us believe that he has bought into the fearmongering the conservative media is trying to propogate by portraying himself as the ill-informed talking head he draws his “facts” from.
    Following the example of pundits before him, his only source is rumor and hyperbole. When your sources are as reliable as Bestsy McCaughey and Sarah Palin its no wonder their facts are so grotesquely skewed, and I think Chris does a fantastic job of exposing such a mindset.

  4. Ed Cutting says:

    Sean, I will give a more detailed reply as to why it was not worthy of printing: Exactly what is his thesis? Even if parody, exactly what is it a parody OF?

    There is no theme, no transitions, no continuity. Other than the traditional bashing of social conservative values, there is no coherent thought expressed.

    His facts are wrong, Alexander the Great was not part of the Athenian Democracy, Lincoln known for holding the union together (at the expense of the Constitution, I might add), and the partitions of Korea and Vietnam had to do with proximity to China.

    (Both wars, as well as WW-I and WW-II, were begun by Democrat Presidents Wilson, Roosevelt, Truman & Kennedy/Johnson. And if we want to talk genetic aspects of disease, that is universal stretching from sickle cell anemia to hemophilia. But I digress.)

    If this is the best that this kid can do, who exactly is making admissions decisions? I don’t care if he agrees with me politically or not, but the inability to express a viewpoint is shocking. If this is the best he can do, he doesn’t belong at UMass let alone writing for the Collegian.

  5. Very nice article. Thanks a lot for this! I wanted to let you know though, this may be something that you care about but… your rss feed url is not working.

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