Scrolling Headlines:

Minutewomen stunned by last-second free throw -

January 19, 2018

UMass hockey returns home to battle juggernaut Northeastern squad -

January 18, 2018

Slow start sinks Minutemen against URI -

January 17, 2018

UMass three-game win streak snapped in Rhode Island humbling -

January 17, 2018

Trio of second period goals leads Maine to 3-1 win over UMass hockey -

January 16, 2018

Small-ball lineup sparks UMass men’s basketball comeback over Saint Joseph’s -

January 14, 2018

UMass men’s basketball tops St. Joe’s in wild comeback -

January 14, 2018

UMass women’s track and field have record day at Beantown Challenge -

January 14, 2018

UMass women’s basketball blows halftime lead to Saint Joseph’s, fall to the Hawks 84-79. -

January 14, 2018

UMass hockey beats Vermont 6-3 in courageous win -

January 13, 2018

Makar, Leonard score but UMass can only muster 2-2 tie with Vermont -

January 13, 2018

Pipkins breaks UMass single game scoring record in comeback win over La Salle -

January 10, 2018

Conservative student activism group sues UMass over free speech policy -

January 10, 2018

Report: Makar declines invite from Team Canada Olympic team -

January 10, 2018

Prince Hall flood over winter break -

January 10, 2018

Minutemen look to avoid three straight losses with pair against Vermont -

January 10, 2018

Men’s and women’s track and field open seasons at Dartmouth Relays -

January 10, 2018

Turnovers and poor shooting hurt UMass women’s basketball in another conference loss at St. Bonaventure -

January 8, 2018

Shorthanded, UMass men’s basketball shocks Dayton with 62-60 win -

January 7, 2018

Northampton City Council elects Ryan O’Donnell as new council president -

January 7, 2018

No cushion for the pushin’ in pokey phallic fable

pokeybook_quirksChristopher Behrens must think he’s a clever guy.

The writer of the epically stupid novelty book “Penis Pokey,” apparently did not test his product before publisher Quirk Books picked it up for distribution. The book with its sparse length of only nine pages, thick cardboard pages and bright, bold illustrations reminiscent of a children’s story – has a 1 and three fourth inch hole cut out of its middle, inviting male readers to fill in what is missing from each picture: their man parts.

At first glance, “Penis Pokey” looks like it could be entertaining, as long as there are two people present: one to put his member through the hole, and the other to look at it, point and giggle.

What Behrens failed to think through was the fact that the skin on a man’s junk is incredibly sensitive and, if it had a brain and the ability to speak, would probably scream in terror at the thought of rubbing itself against the rough cardboard contained within this book.

Surprisingly enough, you are not actually supposed to put your poker through the hole in the book. There is a disclaimer on the back of the book which reads: “Do not put your penis through the holes in this book or any other unfamiliar holes. Death, severe injury or paper cut may occur.” I know what you’re thinking: that would be one hell of a paper cut.

Unless you’re into inserting your stuff into dry, coarse, cardboard holes, the book is wholly idiotic. Each page has a children’s activity to go along with the “missing piece” aspect: “Can you circle the 20 differences in these pictures?” “Use the marker [which is included] to finish these pictures” of a man’s face and a sandwich, which are missing your penis as the guy’s nose and, oddly, the contents of a (man)wich, which has been illustrated with a toothpick piercing it.

Perhaps the most awkward pages of the book are the two in which you are supposed to “invite a friend to help you finish this picture.” The centerfold picture is of two dragons that are missing their heads. The thing about this picture is that if you hold the book straight open, you cannot fit two people right next to each other to put their things through the holes unless they’re small boys, which would be entirely too inappropriate. In order to make the dragon image work, you have to have the book at a 90 degree angle and slip your phallus at such so the dragons have heads. However, the book is just small enough that the two anacondas who would be completing the picture would undoubtedly be touching and probably creating an uncomfortable moment.

There is no way that the “Penis Pokey” book could be any fun to a single user, unless he had a mirror present. There can’t be very much excitement in pushing Admiral Winky through this abrasive hole and chuckling to yourself over the fact that, even though you can’t see it, you’re completing some ridiculous illustration with your most scandalous body part. This book obviously isn’t meant to be used solo but in a mixed company setting instead.

Overall, “Penis Pokey” isn’t worth the $10.36 that it’s going for on Amazon.com. No paper cut – no matter how humorous the story of how you got it is – is worth the kind of a sacrifice.  

Ellie Rulon-Miller can be reached at erulonmi@student.umass.edu.

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