Scrolling Headlines:

UMass hockey competes hard, falls to No. 10 Providence College in overtime -

February 26, 2017

Overtime goal hands UMass hockey its 15th straight loss in regular season finale -

February 26, 2017

Former NAACP President Benjamin Jealous gives talk at UMass -

February 25, 2017

Anti-racism workshop teaches tactics to fight oppression in community -

February 25, 2017

Providence power play haunts UMass hockey in 6-2 loss -

February 25, 2017

UMass hockey falls to No. 10 Providence on Senior Night at the Mullins center -

February 25, 2017

UMass men’s basketball falters in the second half, falling to George Washington 83-67 Thursday -

February 24, 2017

UPDATE: SGA announces second and third artist for ‘Mullins Live!’ -

February 23, 2017

Divest UMass and STPEC host panel on building ‘solidarity economies’ in the Trump era -

February 23, 2017

UMass women’s basketball losing streak extends to 10 games after loss to URI -

February 23, 2017

Sixth annual Advocacy Day set to take place March 1 -

February 23, 2017

Panel discusses racial, sexual and psychological violence in response to art exhibit -

February 23, 2017

Judy Dixon enters final season with UMass tennis with simple message: One match at a time -

February 23, 2017

UMass baseball enduring early-season limitation in playing in New England -

February 23, 2017

Minutewomen softball begins season with cross-country travel, string of tournaments -

February 23, 2017

UMass baseball looks to bounce back from disappointing 2016 season -

February 23, 2017

UMass women’s lacrosse senior Hannah Murphy is Angela McMahon’s latest legend in the making -

February 23, 2017

UMass women’s lacrosse senior defenders accept leadership roles in quest for ninth consecutive Atlantic 10 Championship -

February 23, 2017

Kelsey McGovern rejoins UMass women’s lacrosse as an assistant coach after starring for Minutewomen -

February 23, 2017

UMass men’s lacrosse looks to continue improving throughout 2017 season -

February 23, 2017

No cushion for the pushin’ in pokey phallic fable

pokeybook_quirksChristopher Behrens must think he’s a clever guy.

The writer of the epically stupid novelty book “Penis Pokey,” apparently did not test his product before publisher Quirk Books picked it up for distribution. The book with its sparse length of only nine pages, thick cardboard pages and bright, bold illustrations reminiscent of a children’s story – has a 1 and three fourth inch hole cut out of its middle, inviting male readers to fill in what is missing from each picture: their man parts.

At first glance, “Penis Pokey” looks like it could be entertaining, as long as there are two people present: one to put his member through the hole, and the other to look at it, point and giggle.

What Behrens failed to think through was the fact that the skin on a man’s junk is incredibly sensitive and, if it had a brain and the ability to speak, would probably scream in terror at the thought of rubbing itself against the rough cardboard contained within this book.

Surprisingly enough, you are not actually supposed to put your poker through the hole in the book. There is a disclaimer on the back of the book which reads: “Do not put your penis through the holes in this book or any other unfamiliar holes. Death, severe injury or paper cut may occur.” I know what you’re thinking: that would be one hell of a paper cut.

Unless you’re into inserting your stuff into dry, coarse, cardboard holes, the book is wholly idiotic. Each page has a children’s activity to go along with the “missing piece” aspect: “Can you circle the 20 differences in these pictures?” “Use the marker [which is included] to finish these pictures” of a man’s face and a sandwich, which are missing your penis as the guy’s nose and, oddly, the contents of a (man)wich, which has been illustrated with a toothpick piercing it.

Perhaps the most awkward pages of the book are the two in which you are supposed to “invite a friend to help you finish this picture.” The centerfold picture is of two dragons that are missing their heads. The thing about this picture is that if you hold the book straight open, you cannot fit two people right next to each other to put their things through the holes unless they’re small boys, which would be entirely too inappropriate. In order to make the dragon image work, you have to have the book at a 90 degree angle and slip your phallus at such so the dragons have heads. However, the book is just small enough that the two anacondas who would be completing the picture would undoubtedly be touching and probably creating an uncomfortable moment.

There is no way that the “Penis Pokey” book could be any fun to a single user, unless he had a mirror present. There can’t be very much excitement in pushing Admiral Winky through this abrasive hole and chuckling to yourself over the fact that, even though you can’t see it, you’re completing some ridiculous illustration with your most scandalous body part. This book obviously isn’t meant to be used solo but in a mixed company setting instead.

Overall, “Penis Pokey” isn’t worth the $10.36 that it’s going for on Amazon.com. No paper cut – no matter how humorous the story of how you got it is – is worth the kind of a sacrifice.  

Ellie Rulon-Miller can be reached at erulonmi@student.umass.edu.

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