Scrolling Headlines:

UMass football can’t overcome four third quarter Mississippi State touchdowns, fall 47-35 Saturday -

September 24, 2016

UMass football’s fourth quarter comeback attempt falls short against Mississippi State Saturday -

September 24, 2016

Cyr: Despite improvement, UMass football still can’t capture first marquee FBS win -

September 24, 2016

MassPIRG kicks off for the fall semester -

September 22, 2016

UMass Resistance Studies Initiative hosts activist and author George Lakey -

September 22, 2016

UMass field hockey readies for tough tests against Stanford, Boston College -

September 22, 2016

Calling the shots: everything you need to know about the flu vaccine -

September 22, 2016

UMass assistant Professor speaks about oppression of American Indians -

September 22, 2016

Astronomy department head hosting sundial and sky-watching event -

September 22, 2016

UMass football looks to pull off upset against Mississippi State Saturday -

September 22, 2016

Cyr: Comis? Ford? Here’s how I would handle the UMass quarterback situation this weekend against Mississippi State -

September 22, 2016

An unofficial presidential debate drinking game for the unruly masses -

September 22, 2016

Stop sweating the small stuff -

September 22, 2016

In defense of being uncomfortable -

September 22, 2016

Please go to sleep -

September 22, 2016

VIDEO – ‘Life in the Dollhouse: Wes Anderson and the Dollhouse Aesthetic’ -

September 22, 2016

Student struck by car near UMass’ Mullins Center -

September 21, 2016

President Anthony Vitale and Vice President Nick Rampone anticipate productive year at SGA -

September 21, 2016

Symposium hosts discussion on safety for journalism students -

September 21, 2016

Andrew Ford, Ross Comis still battling for UMass football’s starting QB position -

September 21, 2016

No cushion for the pushin’ in pokey phallic fable

pokeybook_quirksChristopher Behrens must think he’s a clever guy.

The writer of the epically stupid novelty book “Penis Pokey,” apparently did not test his product before publisher Quirk Books picked it up for distribution. The book with its sparse length of only nine pages, thick cardboard pages and bright, bold illustrations reminiscent of a children’s story – has a 1 and three fourth inch hole cut out of its middle, inviting male readers to fill in what is missing from each picture: their man parts.

At first glance, “Penis Pokey” looks like it could be entertaining, as long as there are two people present: one to put his member through the hole, and the other to look at it, point and giggle.

What Behrens failed to think through was the fact that the skin on a man’s junk is incredibly sensitive and, if it had a brain and the ability to speak, would probably scream in terror at the thought of rubbing itself against the rough cardboard contained within this book.

Surprisingly enough, you are not actually supposed to put your poker through the hole in the book. There is a disclaimer on the back of the book which reads: “Do not put your penis through the holes in this book or any other unfamiliar holes. Death, severe injury or paper cut may occur.” I know what you’re thinking: that would be one hell of a paper cut.

Unless you’re into inserting your stuff into dry, coarse, cardboard holes, the book is wholly idiotic. Each page has a children’s activity to go along with the “missing piece” aspect: “Can you circle the 20 differences in these pictures?” “Use the marker [which is included] to finish these pictures” of a man’s face and a sandwich, which are missing your penis as the guy’s nose and, oddly, the contents of a (man)wich, which has been illustrated with a toothpick piercing it.

Perhaps the most awkward pages of the book are the two in which you are supposed to “invite a friend to help you finish this picture.” The centerfold picture is of two dragons that are missing their heads. The thing about this picture is that if you hold the book straight open, you cannot fit two people right next to each other to put their things through the holes unless they’re small boys, which would be entirely too inappropriate. In order to make the dragon image work, you have to have the book at a 90 degree angle and slip your phallus at such so the dragons have heads. However, the book is just small enough that the two anacondas who would be completing the picture would undoubtedly be touching and probably creating an uncomfortable moment.

There is no way that the “Penis Pokey” book could be any fun to a single user, unless he had a mirror present. There can’t be very much excitement in pushing Admiral Winky through this abrasive hole and chuckling to yourself over the fact that, even though you can’t see it, you’re completing some ridiculous illustration with your most scandalous body part. This book obviously isn’t meant to be used solo but in a mixed company setting instead.

Overall, “Penis Pokey” isn’t worth the $10.36 that it’s going for on Amazon.com. No paper cut – no matter how humorous the story of how you got it is – is worth the kind of a sacrifice.  

Ellie Rulon-Miller can be reached at erulonmi@student.umass.edu.

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