Scrolling Headlines:

Experienced Ohio State club too much for UMass hockey in 3-0 loss -

October 22, 2017

Season-high 29 saves from Matt Murray proves lone highlight in UMass hockey’s 3-0 shutout loss to Ohio State -

October 22, 2017

UMass football picks up first win of the season in blowout win over Georgia Southern -

October 21, 2017

Student in critical condition after pedestrian-vehicle accident on Friday -

October 21, 2017

UMass women’s soccer fails to secure spot in A-10 tournament with loss to Saint Louis -

October 21, 2017

Struggles with special teams sinks UMass hockey -

October 21, 2017

UMass hockey drops second of the year in 3-1 loss to Ohio State -

October 20, 2017

Amazon textbook contract ending in December 2018 -

October 19, 2017

UMass field hockey heads into crucial A-10 matchup -

October 19, 2017

2017 Hockey Special Issue -

October 19, 2017

International Relations Club tackles tough issues at ‘Foreign Policy Coffee Hour’ -

October 19, 2017

Sexual assault reports spike on campus -

October 19, 2017

Californian students react to wildfires back home -

October 19, 2017

‘My Little Pony: The Movie’ is a surprising animated treat, whether you’re a fan of the show or not -

October 19, 2017

With a young team, Carvel is preparing the UMass hockey team to thrive -

October 19, 2017

Letter: UMass hockey is great, but where are the students? -

October 19, 2017

Boino’s blast gives UMass men’s soccer sole possession of first place in the Atlantic 10 -

October 19, 2017

UMass freshmen look to play physical, make an impact and improve early on -

October 19, 2017

UMass hockey sets out to create new program, identity in 2017-18 -

October 19, 2017

Cale Makar: UMass hockey’s crown jewel -

October 19, 2017

No cushion for the pushin’ in pokey phallic fable

pokeybook_quirksChristopher Behrens must think he’s a clever guy.

The writer of the epically stupid novelty book “Penis Pokey,” apparently did not test his product before publisher Quirk Books picked it up for distribution. The book with its sparse length of only nine pages, thick cardboard pages and bright, bold illustrations reminiscent of a children’s story – has a 1 and three fourth inch hole cut out of its middle, inviting male readers to fill in what is missing from each picture: their man parts.

At first glance, “Penis Pokey” looks like it could be entertaining, as long as there are two people present: one to put his member through the hole, and the other to look at it, point and giggle.

What Behrens failed to think through was the fact that the skin on a man’s junk is incredibly sensitive and, if it had a brain and the ability to speak, would probably scream in terror at the thought of rubbing itself against the rough cardboard contained within this book.

Surprisingly enough, you are not actually supposed to put your poker through the hole in the book. There is a disclaimer on the back of the book which reads: “Do not put your penis through the holes in this book or any other unfamiliar holes. Death, severe injury or paper cut may occur.” I know what you’re thinking: that would be one hell of a paper cut.

Unless you’re into inserting your stuff into dry, coarse, cardboard holes, the book is wholly idiotic. Each page has a children’s activity to go along with the “missing piece” aspect: “Can you circle the 20 differences in these pictures?” “Use the marker [which is included] to finish these pictures” of a man’s face and a sandwich, which are missing your penis as the guy’s nose and, oddly, the contents of a (man)wich, which has been illustrated with a toothpick piercing it.

Perhaps the most awkward pages of the book are the two in which you are supposed to “invite a friend to help you finish this picture.” The centerfold picture is of two dragons that are missing their heads. The thing about this picture is that if you hold the book straight open, you cannot fit two people right next to each other to put their things through the holes unless they’re small boys, which would be entirely too inappropriate. In order to make the dragon image work, you have to have the book at a 90 degree angle and slip your phallus at such so the dragons have heads. However, the book is just small enough that the two anacondas who would be completing the picture would undoubtedly be touching and probably creating an uncomfortable moment.

There is no way that the “Penis Pokey” book could be any fun to a single user, unless he had a mirror present. There can’t be very much excitement in pushing Admiral Winky through this abrasive hole and chuckling to yourself over the fact that, even though you can’t see it, you’re completing some ridiculous illustration with your most scandalous body part. This book obviously isn’t meant to be used solo but in a mixed company setting instead.

Overall, “Penis Pokey” isn’t worth the $10.36 that it’s going for on Amazon.com. No paper cut – no matter how humorous the story of how you got it is – is worth the kind of a sacrifice.  

Ellie Rulon-Miller can be reached at erulonmi@student.umass.edu.

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