Scrolling Headlines:

UMass tuition set to rise 3-4 percent for 2017-2018 school year -

July 18, 2017

PVTA potential cuts affect UMass and five college students -

July 10, 2017

New director of student broadcast media at UMass this fall -

July 10, 2017

Whose American Dream? -

June 24, 2017

Man who threatened to bomb Coolidge Hall taken into ICE custody -

June 24, 2017

Cale Makar drafted by Colorado Avalanche in first round of 2017 NHL Entry Draft -

June 24, 2017

Conservatives: The Trump experiment is over -

June 17, 2017

UMass basketball lands transfer Kieran Hayward from LSU -

May 18, 2017

UMass basketball’s Donte Clark transferring to Coastal Carolina -

May 17, 2017

Report: Keon Clergeot transfers to UMass basketball program -

May 15, 2017

Despite title-game loss, Meg Colleran’s brilliance in circle was an incredible feat -

May 14, 2017

UMass softball loses in heartbreaker in A-10 title game -

May 14, 2017

Navy sinks UMass women’s lacrosse 23-11 in NCAA tournament second round, ending Minutewomen’s season -

May 14, 2017

UMass softball advances to A-10 Championship game -

May 13, 2017

UMass basketball adds Rutgers transfer Jonathan Laurent -

May 13, 2017

UMass women’s lacrosse gets revenge on Colorado, beat Buffs 13-7 in NCAA Tournament First Round -

May 13, 2017

Meg Colleran dominates as UMass softball tops Saint Joseph’s, advances in A-10 tournament -

May 12, 2017

Rain keeps UMass softball from opening tournament play; Minutewomen earn A-10 honors -

May 11, 2017

Former UMass football wide receiver Tajae Sharpe accused of assault in lawsuit -

May 10, 2017

Justice Gorsuch can save the UMass GEO -

May 10, 2017

Subversive pinko turkeys

My loyal readers, or reader, may remember my column from a year ago concerning the holiday of pre-Thanksgiving. In that column, I reflected on the wholesome and American origins of the holiday. For instance, pre-Thanksgiving begins five days before Thanksgiving to commemorate the deportation and marginalization of the Five Civilized Tribes from the South to Oklahoma. We eat a bird called “turkey” because Christopher Columbus insisted that the colorfully-plumed animals were, in reality, Asiatic sultans to the west of India. We eat corn because it is the only food to survive the trial by ordeal of boiling.

All of this has passed into historical fact thanks to my efforts. Indeed, the tradition continues in my apartment, and we are on day two of pre-Thanksgiving as of this writing. We bought a 25-pound turkey that will last us well into this week. Corn, mashed potatoes, squash and all the staples revitalized with space-age, microwave-oven technology quite unlike anything used to cook turkey or witches.

But something was wrong during that first feast. The feeling first occurred to me as I cut the deliciously seasoned turkey breast, with seasoning both above and under the skin, and doled it out to my apartment-mates and guests. My eyes twitched when someone asked me to pass the cranberry sauce. And as I was served pumpkin pie, bile rose in my throat. At first, I ascribed these feelings to overindulging in apple cider and not liking pumpkin pie.

As I lay in bed, thinking about Pilgrims, freedom and fusillades blasting the Wampanoag to bits, it struck me. Every guest got an equal share of food regardless of how much work he put into the meal. One of my roommates didn’t help at all because he was at a sports tournament. At the table, I could ask for more food and someone would provide it to me for free. If the food was not in reach, someone would pass it to me without a thought. The communal nature of it all where property was given freely and generously, not sold.

A specter is haunting Thanksgiving – the specter of communism. All the powers of America’s conservatives should enter into a holy alliance to exercise this specter: Palin and Beck, Boehner and McConnell, House Republicans and Senate Republicans.

This entirely original realization shook the stupefied drool from my chin. To think that the most important founders of America – pale-skinned English fundamentalists who arrived late – could have planted the seeds of socialist tyranny. Seeds, having Biden their time for centuries, bear the fruits of Obamanation in this 21st century.

The idea that America was founded on the basis of cooperation and sharing makes me sick. Upon further reflection, I should expect no better from English settlers by way of the Netherlands. It would take coddling by a National Health Service and then a thorough inculcation in pot subculture for anyone to set sail for Virginia and end up so deep in the blue states that one could marry homosexually and share an insurance policy.

Did you know that Thanksgiving is a federal holiday? I may want law regulating people in the privacy of their bedrooms. I may want Moses’ law enshrined on the lawn of every courthouse. But I certainly don’t want the government telling me when I can and cannot go to work. Forced vacations and government-mandated feasting? Sounds like some bizarro world Soviet collective farm in reverse. No thank you, comrade! I think vacations should be left entirely to the demands of the free market and not ruled and regulated by bureaucrats.

Consider the crowning event of every Thanksgiving Day: The triumphal Stalin-esque parade put on by Macy’s department store in Manhattan. Macy’s, whose logo prominently features a red star and whose business model attempts to socialize various types of stores into subordinate departments. Traditionally, the final float in Macy’s parade is a giant Santa Claus. Santa, a man dressed in red who dispenses toys to every child regardless of wealth. Santa, the harbinger of the next insidious holiday based on selfless giving. As Glenn Beck would astutely note, if you rearrange the letters in “Santa” you can spell the word “Satan.” But that is a topic for a future defense of our great land.

Chris Amorosi is a Collegian columnist. He can be reached at camorosi@student.umass.edu.

Comments
One Response to “Subversive pinko turkeys”
  1. Fellow fighter for freedom and laissez-faire capitalism as Jesus intended – I assume you’re already of the movement underway to get rid of the sickening socialism in the so-called “fire department” and the so-called “police department,” as well as the movement underway to eradicate liberal bias from the Sacred Scriptures, wherein pinkos went in and changed the Lord’s words into simpering “let’s get along and share and care for the weak” platitudes instead of the virtues of manly, rugged individualism and the free-market as we know he would have inevitably held dear.

    If not, I suggest you look for the information on these movements and join them. Let not the gates of Hell’s Socialist Pinkos triumph over the GOP!

    Better dead than red! Or a follower of a Muslim black man from Kenya!

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