Stuff your stocking with a different kind of holiday cheer
For years you may have hurried down the stairs on Christmas morning, eager to thrash your way through the slew of toys and presents set out for you by jolly ole Saint Nick. And while the magic of those innocent times may have dimmed with age and too many keg stands, the joy of getting toys at Christmas time doesn’t have to vanish just because you’re in college now. Quite the contrary, ‘tis the season to spread a different kind of Christmas cheer, and stuff the stockings of your loved ones with the kind of gifts that keep on giving: the erotic kind.
Swiss Navy Lubricant: First comes mistletoe, then comes the bedroom. But before you can get anywhere on that extra-long twin mattress you’re forced to sleep on in the dorms, you have to have a reliable lubricant. And far and away, Swiss Navy stands uncontested as the gold standard of the industry. While Swiss Navy offers up lube in all kinds of varieties – from passion fruit-flavored to water-based – the company’s crowning achievement is its silicone-based lubricant. With a non-stick gloss that leaves users feeling slippery but hardly sloppy wet, Swiss Navy sets you barreling on a sleigh ride that you’ll never forget towards winter wonderland.
Taboo: The Bitch: Know someone who’s been especially naughty this year? Flog them into submission with this 7-inch candy cane of pleasure. Although it comes in either black or red, be sure to go with the latter in spirit of the holiday season. And at the tender price of $14.99, Taboo’s sleekly designed massager works as a no muss, no fuss introduction for the novice user to the land of vibrators, far cheaper – and far less intimidating – than the oft-lauded but wallet-crunching Jack Rabbit. For those on the nice list, try The Tease, The Bitch’s tamer cousin which boasts a feather tickler where the flogger used to be.
Ladyfair personal shaver: Just because Santa probably has a full bush doesn’t mean you have to. Show off a trimmed hedge for those trips down to the South Pole with Ladyfair’s double-edged shaver, ideal for ridding your hot box of any errant hairs, or even for shaping it into a seasonally-appropriate design – a snowflake, perhaps? If the fear of nicks and bumps has got you feeling less than jolly during the holidays, be sure to start off with a smattering of Coochy-Original rash free shaving cream, unscented and gentle on those with sensitive skin.
Clone a Willy: Perhaps the hardest part about ending the semester is the knowledge that with it comes an inevitable separation from your heart’s desire. Hard up for a way to keep yourself in the heart and bed sheets of your gal or fella? Send them home with a vibrating likeness of your manhood with Empire Labs’ do-it-yourself molding kit. Just insert your junk into the kit’s container, add water and – hey, presto – a sentimental rubber keepsake for your love to take back home for those long and lonely winter nights. And for more holiday fun, roast chestnuts over an open fire kindled by the mold of your very own penis with Clone a Willy’s candle kit.
6-Hour Love shot: Empire Labs also gets props for manufacturing this tasty mouthful, useful for the college guy who wants to conquer that 15-page final paper and their partner in one fell swoop. The Love Shot combines a specially-patented male enhancement formula with the effects of a typical energy drink, and promises increased stamina for the bedroom and beyond. The concept isn’t wholly unique, though: similar products include Deep Throat, an energy drink which hearkens back to the 1972 porn classic (and Woodward and Bernstein’s infamous informant).
“This Isn’t Twilight: the XXX Parody”: “Twilight”-themed gifts are a hot commodity this holiday season, and while this may not be the next installment in the saga, it will certainly help hold you over between sequels. Lumped in the same coal field as “This Isn’t Big Love: the XXX Parody” and “Pirates XXX” (a flesh-filled parody of “Pirates of the Caribbean”), “This Isn’t Twilight” is loyal to both sources of its inspiration. Nor can one disregard the all-star cast scooped up to headline the film, including Talon (no surname) and Jenna Haze, winner of Adult Video News’ 2009 Female Performer of the Year award. With talent like this, you may not even need to see “Eclipse.”
If Santa smiles kindly on you this year, you’ll have more toys than you really know what to do with come Christmas morning. While using them may seem like child’s play, there’s more upkeep required of your adult toys than was likely necessary with the Easy Bake Oven you had when you were a kid. For a safe clean-up of your toys after use, go with Berman Anti-Bacterial Toy Cleaner. Developed by Dr. Laura Berman, founder of the Berman Center for Female Sexuality, this toy cleaner uses triclosan (commonly found in mouthwashes and shaving creams) to safeguard your toys against bacterial build-up and general griminess.
S.K. Murphy can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.