Letters to Santa
It’s safe to say that I have been a great student all semester. I have only missed one class, I pass in all my assignments on time and I have been getting pretty good grades as well! I have not really been going out a lot this year, and have even taken care of some friends after they have had “a few too many.”
With that in mind, I would like to give you my one Christmas wish. This Christmas, more than anything, I would like you to take care of my UMass parking fines. Sure, I might have deserved a few of them, but I can assure you that I did nothing so wrong to have accumulated $215.00 in parking tickets. I can understand why I received those two tickets for parking in a “Reserved Lot,” but I can’t fathom why my one sole car out of about 20 would receive a ticket on move out day. And what about that time when I got the “No Valid UMass Park Permit” ticket, when my pass was clearly plastered on my vehicle? It’s not my fault I have tinted windows.
Please take into consideration that I am in fact a student, who has a multitude of items to purchase and pay for throughout the year. Between schoolbooks, rent, bills, food and everything else, paying my parking fines does not exactly reach the top of my priority list. Anything you can do would be greatly appreciated.
P.S – If you happen to be feeling extremely generous, a commuter pass for lot 34 would be fabulous!
I know I don’t usually ask for much for Christmas, but this year, there are a few things I really need, and they revolve around maybe the most important thing in my life –Boston sports.
Let’s start with what’s first on my list: the New England Patriots swagger of the first half of this decade. I know we already had an abundance of this when we were winning championships, but sorry to say we’ve lost it. If you could give us this back, we might actually start playing smash mouth defense and be a better second half team.
Second on my list, but just as important, are players the Red Sox can acquire this offseason that don’t add to the clones of J.D. Drew’s already on the team. If you could get us some hitters whose main focus isn’t to take 20 pitches an at-bat, that would really help. Maybe some young players who don’t suffer from broken hips and are enjoyable to watch would be great.
As far as the other two Boston sports, I can’t really complain about the Celtics, and the Bruins…well, they’re the Bruins.
The last thing I could ask for is if you could find it in your heart to give us a playoff system in college football…actually forget it, there’s no point in asking anymore. I haven’t got that in the last 10 Christmases.
All I want for Christmas this year is a Sega Saturn. Discontinued in 1999, the Saturn was a complete flop due to the simultaneous release of its superior counterpart the Playstation. I could ask for a PS3, or a Nintendo Wii, but just to test you, Santa Claus, I’m asking for a Sega Saturn. You will need your elves to research the archives of inferior and failed technology, because you can’t even get one of these bad boys on Ebay! Never mind about the unwieldy and inconvenient controllers – I’ll leave those for the Easter Bunny.
Of all the ancient failures of game systems we know today, I think the Sega Saturn will be the most challenging. Anyone with knowledge of Craigslist or Ebay can find a Gamecube or a Dreamcast. But you, Santa, have quite a challenge on your hands. This may be short notice, seeing as you only have a couple weeks to come up with one. But if your plump, jolly self can make reindeer fly and shuffle up and down chimneys, I have complete confidence that you can make this happen. Extra milk and cookies if you do!
I know I shouldn’t be writing to you, cause I technically don’t believe in you. But if you do exist as I imagine (high atop an ice fortress commanding a legion of robot yetis), please send my friend Patrick a beautiful woman via your quantum future-sled. She can be made out of gold, or diamonds, so long as she is super cuddly and loves him like a drowned puppy at the bottom of a waterfall.
For Christmas this year, I don’t want anything for myself. This year, I would like pants for all the Southwest girls. It’s getting cold here at UMass and I don’t think their spandex leggings will provide them enough heat for the remainder of the winter. Granted, their Ugg boots will keep their calves warm and their overpriced North Face jackets are providing a decent amount of warmth to their torsos, but their thighs need protection from that New England cold.
They may pretend that they do not want them, because wearing spandex leggings and a sweatshirt is more fashionable to them than warm jeans, but please Santa, provide them with jeans. It’s not just for them; it’s for the entire campus.
Give the Mrs. my best,
To Kris Kringle:
All I want for Christmas is a dining commons. It’s nice that everyone is so jazzed up about Berkshire, Franklin and the rest, but what about those of us who commute to campus? Don’t we deserve a dining commons too? The people who live on campus can go to the DCs on the way between classes and their dorms, but those of us who live off-campus have to trek to the nether regions to partake of all the wonderful things that have been reported in The Collegian these last few weeks.
I am tired of the Blue Wall and the Whitmore Café, so please Santa, please, give me a dining commons somewhere in the middle of campus. In fact, I hear that the Alumni Association is having financial troubles, so maybe you could rent some space for a DC from them.
For Christmas, I want the elimination of Christmas. It’s a secularization of a commercialization of a Christianization of a pagan holiday that worships the cold, darkness and death of the winter solstice. That’s (count them) three levels of idolatry with the additional insult that people now act as though non-Christians should celebrate it too, despite the fact that some of us openly tell the world that we practice religions with only one God.
If you can’t eliminate Christmas, please shorten it to only December 25. I remember a time when we spent November preparing for Thanksgiving without a Christmas carol in the air, even on store radios. I want that back.
For Christmas this year, all I want is chicken fingers to be available all the time at every Dining Commons on Campus. Lets be honest, chicken fingers are awesome. Everyone knows that chicken fingers are awesome. If they can provide chicken breasts every day, they can give us chicken fingers everyday. Also, I would like to ask for chicken finger tournaments every week at each DC.
As you can see Santa, this is not a selfish request, but rather, a benevolent one.
For Christmas, I would like the University of Massachusetts to stop spraying soy sauce all over the campus in anticipation of snow storms. I love soy sauce, just not all over my sweet Timberland boots. It’s really annoying having to peel them off of the sidewalk with every step I take. Plus, the smell makes me nauseous as I walk from class to class and I don’t think maintenance would enjoy cleaning up my throw up. So for me and the maintenance department, will you please stop this absurd spraying of soy sauce.
Jeffrey R. Larnard
Dear Santa (not the Tim Allen one, the Miracle on 34th Street one),
For [non-descript winter holiday], I would like some plain bagels. Not an everything bagel, not that weird berry-raisin-nut bagel and especially not that funky-looking blue bagel that no one eats – ever. I’m looking for plain, boring, bagels.
Seriously, this is a trend that has gone too far. And while we’re at it, why is there as much rye bread as there is white bread. Really? This is college. I can pretty much guarantee no one has ever gone to make a sandwich and go “What the hell? Where’s the rye, brah?”
Plain bagels. White bread. If you’re feeling adventurous, get some wheat bread. My dad doesn’t go to this school, you don’t need five loafs of rye bread out there. And no one knows what’s in that other bagel.