Before 4Loko, if one wanted a cheap way to get drunk, there were forties: big glass bottles containing 40 oz. of malt liquor for $2.50 a pop. Malt liquor is like any other beer, but with a greater alcohol content, with the lighter spectrum being about six percent alcohol by volume and the heaviest about eight percent. A true forty is malt liquor, but some companies have put their ordinary brews in 40 oz bottles.

The first contestant on the road to “Best Forty” was Olde English “800,” introduced in 1964 and now owned by that international mega-conglomerate, Miller. Over the summer Olde English made the news when the members of ratebeer.com voted it World’s Worst Beer over Coors Light. Bud Light didn’t even make the list.

Olde English is still bad, though. Its flavor is so bland as to be nonexistent and its bouquet is completely generic. The color reminds one uncomfortably of Representative John Boehner (R-OH)’s skin – it’s just too orange. In the mouth the carbonation fizzles out on the tongue, leaving a watery sensation. After swallowing, one is left with an aftertaste of plastic. There is so little to taste, one doesn’t even need cheese pizza to cleanse the palette.

Mickey’s, also made by Miller, features a distinctive green bottle and hornet logo. The label says that it’s “Fine malt liquor” and at almost six percent alcohol, it offers a bit of a kick compared to Olde English. It has a smoky, rambling taste with carbonation that lingers on the tongue. But the scent is horrid, more like a reek. Frankly, it smells like a toilet that’s just been flushed after a sludgy No. 2. It is absolutely disgusting. A person drinking Mickey’s would need a pizza with lots of garlic to hide the smell of it on their breath.

At eight percent alcohol by volume, Steel Reserve, made by the Steel Brewing Company for MillerCoors, packs even more of a kick, leaving a slight burning sensation in the mouth. Steel Reserve has a very sharp, metallic flavor with hints of cream, although it’s not very intense and leaves an earthy aftertaste. The carbonation is halfway between Mickey’s and Olde English. The bouquet is weak and infinitely better than Mickey’s, though not that much more distinct than Olde English’s. The color is more yellowy and less sickly orange, too. Steel Reserve’s most distinguishing quality is that it affects the memory quite substantially. One can meet the same people at parties over and over again and have only the vaguest recollection of their names and faces. It’s as extraordinary as it is scary.

Now, on to the King of Malt Liquors, the one, the only: Colt 45. Made by Pabst, and endorsed by Billy Dee Williams of “Star Wars” fame, Colt 45 is epitomized by the word the branding company selected all those years ago: smooth. While not as alcoholic as Steel Reserve, the roguish and crisp flavor stays with the tongue, preventing any sort of foul aftertaste. The bubbles last in the mouth. The bouquet assaults the nose with the rough smell of too much carbon dioxide and the color is a beautiful cream soda-like mellow yellow – similar to Corona, but more vivid. Everything about Colt 45 has a certain zestful quality to it, reminiscent of the kind of optimism that once distinguished America from other countries and was captured on film during the Golden Age of Hollywood.

Colt 45 wins hands down: affordable, drinkable and zesty, it’s a great drink in a humble package.

Matthew Robare can be reached at [email protected].