Massachusetts Daily Collegian

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A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

The secret truth about depression

Courtesy Luis Sarabia/Flickr.com

I wish someone had told me.

I wish someone had told me that I had a disease. This disease has no cure. This disease can be fatal. I will fight this disease until the day I die. Some days will feel healthier than others, but this disease will never fully go away. This disease is a disability that very few people will consider to be legitimate. No one ever said these things to me. Instead they told me at 13 years-old that I was depressed and prescribed me medication I do not believe I will ever stop taking.

I wish someone had told me that it wasn’t my fault. People love to say that I am depressed because I am not exercising enough or not eating right or watching too much TV. I wish someone had told me that it is the other way around; it is my depression that causes me to eat junk, lie around all day and watch daytime talk shows and infomercials instead of doing homework or going out with friends. If someone had explained this to me I would not have had to carry the guilt of causing my own illness. Then I might have felt less helpless.

I wish someone had told me that depression is not simply being too sad to function. Sometimes I function just fine even when I feel my worst. But sometimes I find myself physically unable to move, like someone has pumped lead into my veins and made all my limbs unbelievably heavy. I am exhausted all the time, I get chronic headaches and backaches, sometimes my hands shake uncontrollably, sometimes I am nauseous for hours at a time and sometimes I throw up. My immune system refuses to fight a New England winter and I always have a mild to moderate head cold. These are all symptoms of my depression. These are all elements of a disease. But no one told me that. I just thought I was lazy and a hypochondriac.

I wish no one had ever said that I would feel better in a few weeks. I wish no one had pretended that this would eventually go away. I wish no one had suggested that the pills were magic and would heal me. Over the years I have had many, many doctors, some of whom were fantastic and helpful. I can probably credit a few with saving my life. But, while rarely coming right out and saying it, everyone implied that if we found the right combination of therapy and medications and diet and exercise and sleep patterns then the depression might leave my life forever. I now realize that it is not pessimistic or fatalistic or admitting defeat to say that I will never be cured or healed or fixed. My depression shows up year after year, after medication changes and life changes, and it has been hard not to view this as a failure. To instead prepare myself for the reality of coping with a debilitating disease for the rest of my life is to save myself from the annual despair of still being sick.

More than anything I wish someone had told me I have a disability. Now it makes sense. I am unable to get out of bed in the morning, I am unable to complete everyday tasks, I am unable to do school work, I am unable to do anything but watch TV and cry. I don’t say that for pity; I know it paints a pathetic picture. It’s just a reality of my life. But so much guilt and stress and shame and disgust with myself could have been avoided if only someone had validated me with the label of disabled. I wish I had known that Disability Services on this campus is set up to help with depression. This is legitimate, this is real, and I am far from the only one who suffers like this.       

When I reflect on my years of living with this disease I cannot help but feel like things could have been different. The only way we can make the lives of depressed people more invigorating is by taking away the shame and stigma. If I knew in advance that missing weeks of class due to my failing psychological health would be treated the same way as missing weeks of class due to mono, I would be more inclined to just let myself stay in bed instead of dragging myself through the increasingly difficult and stressful process of facing the world. My depression might not get worse and worse under the weight of all the responsibilities I am unable to fulfill. I might be able to be upfront with my teachers and bosses about where I am and what I am able to do. I might not be boxed in by a world that views me as lazy, whiney, pathetic, and helpless.

I wish someone had told me that every day I wake up is a victory. I wish someone had told me that simply living is being strong. I wish someone had told me, even when I am in bed surrounded by candy bar wrappers with season after season of 30 Rock cued up on my Netflix, I am fighting. If I am fighting instead of failing, if I am struggling against instead of crumbling under, if I am really sick instead of faking it for an easier time, then life will be less of an impossible feat with only one way out.

I can and will survive. Because now I know.

Victoria Knobloch is a Collegian columnist. She can be reached at [email protected].

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  • A

    Alan RayFeb 25, 2013 at 2:45 pm

    I had depression so bad 15 years ago that the doctors told me not to plan to love through it, so I know depression well.

    The parts of your article about the cruel things people say because they do not understand mental disorders and the parts about what it feels like to have the illness are dead on the money true.

    However, SHAME on you for publishing something telling people that depression is something that has no cure. A hundred people just got cured somewhere in the world from depression just in the time it took me to write this post!

    Anyone reading her article DO NOT believe for one second that depression has no cure. The doctors meds for sure will NOT cure depression but only make it worse. Find a good psychotherapist, uncover-discover-heal all of your childhood abuses, study and learn about co-dependency removing your own dysfunctional behavioral responses and eliminate all dysfunctional people from your life, study sociology to learn how to properly socialize yourself in society, hire a top nutritionist get all the tests and get busy rebalancing your bodies vitamins and nutrients, obviously eliminate all drugs and alcohol and yes exercise is part of it as it eliminates toxins and releases the feel good drugs in the mind.

    The above path to healing depression is well known, it takes time, takes commitment, takes some money but it starts with knowing it absolutely can be cured completely.

    Some people will also have to have all their metal filling removed from their teeth, that alone causes some people to be very sick. Anyone who has abused drugs or alcohol will need to re-balance their brain chemistry (Depakote for like 3 months works for chemical abuse)

    Anyways, being someone who all but died from depression and is now 100% free from it I was appalled to see someone write that depression has no cure and so many write post replies that they believe that is true.

    Reply
  • B

    BeccaJan 23, 2013 at 12:15 am

    This is amazing raw and true. I understand where you are because I fluxuate there too. I always attribute the struggles of feeling so sad I think I might break, isolating myself, binge eating, etc, etc, to low self esteem. I think it’s the low self esteem that causes the depression.

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  • B

    bluebottleOct 9, 2011 at 7:59 pm

    i agree with kw, and will take it further: everyone suggesting “try this”, please shut up. don’t trivialize the author’s struggles by telling her that if she just tried homeopathy/a second opinion/no medication/medication, but only what you’re taking (none of which you can be certain she hasn’t tried) she would be magically cured. you have not only missed the point of the article altogether but are also being grossly presumptuous.

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  • J

    Just EmilyAug 10, 2011 at 2:26 am

    Thank you for writing this. I am going through a tough depression too and I am so comforted to know that someone feels or felt exactly the same way that I do. I had seen some counselors but they didn’t help me at all. I felt so weird getting ‘help’. I’m struggling but now I know that, maybe, I’ll get better.

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  • K

    kwMay 4, 2011 at 2:47 am

    @annon jeani, please shut up. i’m depressed too and while I thank God for helping me keep fighting, this article still rang true for me.

    don’t trivialize her struggles by telling her that if she just “had religion” (which you don’t know she doesn’t) that she would be magically cured.

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  • A

    annon jeaniJan 25, 2011 at 1:36 am

    You know victoria… There’s something called ‘Religion’ or ‘God’ you can run to when you feel so down… Try that. You didn’t mention on your attempts.

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  • L

    LivJan 24, 2011 at 8:02 am

    Dear Victoria… thank you so much for your insight and your inspiring bravery, without it, many of us would still be left in the dark.

    Reply
  • W

    WellJan 24, 2011 at 2:50 am

    I’m lazy. Constantly in physical pain. Paranoid. Confused. A million other things that are not classified as the traits of a functional, productive citizen.

    I feel enormously guilty about not being able to do whatever I want to do, whenever I want to do it. Things like going outside, holding a job, paying attention in class, controlling my emotive misfires.

    However,

    I have to accept responsibility, even if it isn’t my fault, because no one else will, and there is no cure. Besides, the weight of the world, what other burden should you carry? Whatever you can. It makes you a better person, even if you don’t think so. It means you care somewhere in there. I don’t think you can be depressed and not think it isn’t your fault. That just doesn’t make sense.

    But if having a heart run too deep is a fault, then something is wrong with the world. Terribly wrong.

    Reply
  • B

    BenJan 23, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    On the flip side of it all, you can’t fully enjoy the joy of a happy day without a few rainstorms. Depression periods suck, believe me I’ve been there too, but when you get out of them it’s almost as if you have discovered a new found sense of joy in life that you wouldn’t otherwise have. Obviously it doesn’t help if the depression keeps you from functioning in the real world, but in the grand scheme it’s a blessing and a curse.

    Reply
  • A

    AnnJan 23, 2011 at 12:06 am

    Thank you so much for writing this. So few people understand when you say you can’t do something because of your depression. You have shared what we feel like in a very moving and informative way.

    Reply
  • J

    jessicaJan 22, 2011 at 10:35 pm

    I’m not usually a comment on something I read kind of girl, but this is one of those things that really hit me. I didn’t bother to read the other comments but im sure they all say the same thing. You are certainly not alone in your struggling. I have fibromyalgia but it is very similiar to the symptoms of depression and is also not recognized as a legitimate disease. I have also felt I was a hypochondriac who was responsible for all my suffering but to share this with someone would be a cry for attention or sympathy instead of support. It’s important to remember we’re not alone and we don’t need other people to validate how strong we are. I am inspired by your what you said about everyday being a victory and a fight instead of a failure. Id like to remind myself and everyone who struggles with chronic illness that you need to be proud of yourselves for getting through each day.

    Reply
  • V

    VanessaJan 22, 2011 at 8:54 pm

    Oh my God! I read this and was about to cry! This is exactly how I feel everyday! Nobody understands the physical incapability we endure every day and it’s not by choice. I am so glad to have read this. It makes me feel so much better. Thank you so much.

    Reply
  • K

    KaliDec 15, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    How very true all this is.

    I was lucky, someone early in my treatment told me ‘Medication and therapy can make your illness better. But better isn’t cured.’

    I’ve also been lucky that my bipolar is comparatively mild. My sister’s is worse, and she hasn’t found a good medication match. Add to that the fact that she hasn’t felt able to trust a therapist since one retired very suddenly years ago, and she has a much harder time of things than I do.

    I’m glad that you have come to this place where you know it isn’t your fault. No one should be made to feel like they’re to blame for their illness or disability, and yet so many of us are put in that position.

    ~Kali

    Reply
  • K

    KGDec 11, 2010 at 10:59 pm

    Dear Victoria,

    I read this article and class and I felt like someone had literally watched my life and gotten inside my head when they wrote this article. THANK YOU for saying everything that some of us cannot say.

    Reply
  • L

    latonaDec 10, 2010 at 5:43 pm

    You are really sick instead of faking and you are fighting when writing this column! Try to struggle more against it, it is worth trying other things instead of antidepressants – homeopathy, St. John’s Wort or Helarium Hypericum, EFT. In my case Essiac helped me much in 3 weeks after 4 years of depression on antidepressants.

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  • A

    AMDec 8, 2010 at 1:26 pm

    Thank you for using your gift of words to explain what so many of us struggle to. You are brave and even on the toughest of days, strong. I wish you well. You are not alone.

    p.s. There is something to that candida thing. It’s no panacea and could be totally irrelevant to you, but I too find that when candida is out of control, so is my physical and emotional health. Just putting it out there, in case it could be helpful to you or other readers.

    Reply
  • D

    DireDec 8, 2010 at 2:55 am

    I wish many of the same things you do… I wish that none of us had to go through this.

    And I wish you all the best, with a heartfelt thank you for writing this very powerful column, which, in one fell swoop, sums up my 30+ years, and probably those of others.

    Reply
  • M

    MKDec 7, 2010 at 8:02 pm

    THANK YOU. I’ve had some degree of depression since I was 11. At times every day was torture. I’ve been comparatively well for the past couple of years but I still have my periods of serious “can’t move my head off the pillow” down. Nothing pisses me off more than when people see that few days and say “did you take your meds? Are you sure?” or even better suggest a completely new method of treatment other than what has been working to keep me mostly okay for 2 years. People really do expect that I’ll be just like someone without MDD if I just get the right help, but they would never tell a diabetic they were a failure for having a blood sugar dip or spike from time to time.

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  • J

    Joe L.Dec 7, 2010 at 3:11 pm

    Thank you. I never knew what was making me sick all these years, No one ever prescribed me medication or anything when I was a child in the 70’s. I just had to “get over it” and because of that my life has been less then it ever could have been.
    You are so right that they don’t explain that you have an illness and they need to explain it’s a physical illness not mental. We’re not crazy, we’re physically sick.

    Reply
  • N

    NikkiDec 7, 2010 at 2:46 pm

    Also, I shared this with my circle of friend on Facebook, and all of them are now sharing it. And they all seem to feel exactly the same way. Thank you.

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  • N

    NikkiDec 7, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    Yes. Yes to all of this. I’ve been there, and some days I AM there. Depression is one of the only diseases the attitudes of other people can make worse, but remember: you’re not alone. So many people are completely incapable of understanding how real, how overwhelming depression is, but thre are many, many people who know precisely what you’re going through. Thank you so much for writing this, and for trying to explain to all those who just can’t understand. I hope you don’t mind my sharing this around. It’s such a necessary message to get out. I’ve been where you are, and I still fight every day, but on the whole, I know I’m winning. Just refusing to give in is winning.

    I hope you find a combination that works for you. I hope you get up every day and continue to fight. Thank you, and best of luck.

    Reply
  • M

    Mary SpilaDec 7, 2010 at 11:41 am

    I had a breakdown at 19 (in 1984), while I was a student at the Penn State Main Campus. I was very lucky in that I was told that the depression will come back. At the time I was devistated, but now I realize that I was given a gift of sorts. I could choose how to deal with it.

    I still get very bad depression episodes, and I have been on depression medication on and off since that time; but each time I catch the bad episodes it a little bit earlier.

    Reply
  • A

    AngelDec 7, 2010 at 12:29 am

    I understand you exactly what you mean….I’m also having that problem right now….I’m now online trying to find out what’s happening with me..i live on an island and that’s a prob cuz the docters here are not that sofisticated…

    Reply
  • Z

    ZanneDec 6, 2010 at 9:46 pm

    My 11-year-old daughter and I both have bipolar disorder. I had a bad year during college, years before I even got a diagnosis, and more later. My husband and I just read this to my daughter, and had a long talk with her about it. It wasn’t a very easy talk, and I’m sure I’ll have various versions of it with her in the future, but thank you so much for writing this.

    Reply
  • E

    EPWDec 6, 2010 at 9:00 pm

    Thank you for this. I posted it to my Facebook wall, where my best friend read it, then called me to apologize for having been dismissive of my depression in the past. THANK YOU from the bottom of my weepy, lethargic heart.

    Reply
  • T

    TatumDec 6, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    Reply
  • E

    ErikaDec 6, 2010 at 1:52 pm

    I understand. I’ve been there, and it’s so damn hard.

    Thank you for writing this.

    Reply
  • A

    A Shot In The DarkDec 4, 2010 at 11:49 pm

    I like your article. I believe you. I know it isn’t your fault and I don’t doubt the severe difficulty of your reality.
    I’m sorry you have this. I was feeling a lot like this myself recently. My problem was due to candida overgrowth. I didn’t know that experiencing could be that tremendously bad until I experienced candida die-off. And now I wonder how much of my life was spent in despair because I had a bunch of sugar one day, and the candida ate it, and reproduced like crazy, and the next day millions of newly grown micro-organisms were releasing the contents of their sugar-starved cells into my blood stream. Those contents are poisonous and they can make you dreadfully depressed. It was an absolutely abject experience. If nobody has ever suggested you consider that as a potential exacerbator of your depression, it may result in some relief if you understand it better. Pubmed has 50,000 articles on the subject of candida, though doctors tend not to diagnose it correctly. Its a very tricky condition to get rid of. Kill them too fast, and you get very sick (I was doing it wrong). Fail to do it correctly and you get candida again (I also did that once, too). I’ll be happy to tell you some of the do’s and don’ts and how I managed to wrestle myself free of sugar addiction if you want to know more.

    I really hope you don’t take this suggestion to mean that I think that your depression is your fault. I don’t. Nobody would do something that causes their depression, not knowingly, not if they can control it.

    My suggestion is a shot in the dark, I hope it helps!

    Reply
  • D

    DGDec 4, 2010 at 11:54 am

    Thank you for writing this. I wish people would have told me all these things I just read. I often feel like a failure because I still struggle with my depression while other people seem to overcome this disease with ease or just know how to live with it.

    Reply
  • S

    SRDDec 3, 2010 at 7:18 pm

    as a life long depression sufferer, I agree with your sentiments, Very well written.

    Reply
  • B

    B.M.W.Dec 3, 2010 at 5:12 pm

    I agree with E.G.W. 🙂
    Thank you.

    Reply
  • E

    E.G.W.Dec 3, 2010 at 1:22 pm

    Thank you for writing this.

    Reply
  • N

    NinaDec 3, 2010 at 11:37 am

    You are amazing, and one of the strongest people I know. I know I don’t really understand what you go through, but I know you struggle, and am always impressed with your fighting. I’m sorry I never expressed that more. But you are badass.

    Reply