February 27, 2015

Scrolling Headlines:

Report: UMass continues search for new athletic director, DeFilippo not an option -

Thursday, February 26, 2015

UPDATE: Police to charge UMass football player with two counts of aggravated assault and battery -

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Students for Justice in Palestine, administration react to inflammatory posters -

Thursday, February 26, 2015

UMass falls short, lacks energy in 82-71 loss to Saint Joseph’s -

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Drake’s surprise mixtape yields few surprises -

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Potential shutdown of the Department of Homeland Security offers chance for Republican legislature to learn from its mistakes -

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Winless UMass faces Brown -

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Jose Gonzalez returns with graceful “Vestiges & Claws” -

Thursday, February 26, 2015

SGA to host Women’s Leadership Symposium -

Thursday, February 26, 2015

UMass women’s basketball finishes road schedule with matchup against Dayton -

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Keystone XL pipeline sparks pollution awareness -

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Dartmouth and Fordham to start stretch of key games for Minutewomen -

Thursday, February 26, 2015

DeAndre Bembry has career day in win over UMass -

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Discussion on Palestine incorporates history as well as recent posters targeting SJP -

Thursday, February 26, 2015

UMass set for season finale in Connecticut -

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Imagine Dragons deliver nothing but “Smoke & Mirrors” on their second album. -

Thursday, February 26, 2015

UMass student files federal civil rights lawsuit against Amherst police officers after ‘Blarney’ arrest -

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

SGA spring elections campaigns kick off -

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

UMass must contain Bembry in rematch with St. Joe’s -

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Chaz Williams returns from his stint overseas, signs contract with Maine Red Claws -

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Advertisement

Beam Me Up

Captain James Tiberius “Jim” Kirk is the original captain of the Enterprise and the only man worthy of the job.

Loren Javier/Collegian

Loren Javier/Collegian

Let me put it this way: just because something is new, doesn’t mean it has improved. Take the new James Bond movies for example. Sure, there are better effects, modern plot lines and the dashing Daniel Craig in a bathing suit, but it just doesn’t compare to Sean Connery’s silky delivery of the lines, “shaken, not stirred.” Newer versions of the same thing would like to think they are original, but it is really just mimicry.

Characters are rebranded all the time and themes are continuously rehashed in our culture. Captain Jean-Luc Picard is just one example in our culture of when themes are revitalized to continue a story through a modern lens. The cast of the original Star Trek became too old to continue, but the characters and concepts were so beloved that our culture yearned for some sort of sequel, a continuation of the same thing but shown in a different way. Thus we have the creation of Picard and “The Next Generation.”

But Picard is not worthy of steering the Enterprise into the depths of space and beyond, and here are the reasons why

  1. Kirk could drop-kick Picard any day. He’s clearly younger and in better shape. In episode two of “The Original Series,” a shirtless Kirk wrestles with a 17-year-old boy and punishes him with his fierce love handles.
  2. Picard drinks Earl Grey tea – not exactly the most machismo beverage in the galaxy. The original Enterprise is always having a sweet time. Scotty drinks scotch, Chekov drinks wodka and McCoy is often seen with a mint julep.
  3. Picard is French. He comes from a line of surrender monkeys. His family has a vineyard. Kirk is from Iowa. His family owns all of the corn lobbyists in D.C.
  4. Kirk gets the ladies, even the extraterrestrial ones. He doesn’t discriminate. Kirk loves green women, purple women, 300-year-old women and giant stone genetalia, and had the first interracial kiss on television.
  5. Picard tries to get with the doctor on his Enterprise, who is his best friend’s widow … not cool, bro, not cool. Kirk also tries to get with the doctor on his Enterprise, but it’s more of a budding bromance. “Damn it, Jim. I’m not gay, I’m just bicurious.”
  6. Kirk is justifiably overly confident, never giving room for doubt or questions of morality. Just look at all the security personnel willing to put their safety in danger. Those redshirts trust Kirk for a reason.
  7. Kirk goes on ALL of his away missions, when Picard stays on the ship most of the time. Kirk likes to get dirty. Also, away missions in “The Original Series” involve giant bunnies, sex pollen, gangsters and Nazis, and rolling around on the ground with Spock. I would go on dangerous away missions too if they meant acting out Cold War allegories using every piece of clothing in the costume department.
  8. Who would you rather hang out with at a party: Picard, the guy who would have a nice philosophical discussion with you? Or with Kirk, drinking Romulan ale and hitting on Klingon babes?
  9. Three words: William freaking Shatner. Also: The Shat
  10. Kirk is the only captain to ever complete the Kobayashi Maru. Sure, he broke into the lab before the test and altered the program to make it passable. But then he gets away with it and is subsequently rewarded. With Kirk, cheating is winning.

Emily Felder is a Collegian columnist. She can be reached at efelder@student.umass.edu.

 

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