Table manners are among the basic lessons children are taught growing up: don’t chew with your mouth open, use your fork and knife properly. Upon entering the University of Massachusetts Dining Commons, however, one encounters a new environment where the options are seemingly endless for both food and company. With this change of scene comes an additional set of etiquette standards that are, unfortunately, less intuitive.

With three semesters behind me, I have shared countless meals with friends and acquaintances, each with their own dining idiosyncrasies. Whether the hungry student likes to identify as a Friend of Franklin, Hampshire Homie, Berkshire Bro, or Worcester Mister, the same standards apply wherever one eats on campus and beyond. So, I hereby present the top five most common mistakes that a student can make in his or her quest to becoming the ideal dining companion.

1. The Picky Pessimist

There is a common phrase in the Hebrew language roughly translated as, “There is no sense in arguing over matters of taste and smell.” While the English translation lacks the brevity and rhyme of the original idiom, its content should nonetheless be considered.

Like one’s clothing, major, and favorite brand of chap-stick, one’s choice of food is an entirely personal matter. So in respect for others’ diverse culinary preferences, please refrain from reciting your reasons for disliking tonight’s Polynesian tofu. Chances are, someone will disagree, and such a trivial matter is hardly worth a heated debate.

2. The One-Trick Pony

As tasty as your pasta and tomato sauce looks every time we eat together, how about trying some pesto instead? Incorporating more variety into meals makes the eater a more intriguing dining companion and gives others the impression of sophistication.

Also, when else in life will trying new, exotic foods be so effortless? Unless someone hires his or her own personal chef, the answer is never. So the next time you’re craving garlic bread, try the bruschetta instead. You won’t be sorry.

3. The Vocal Vegan/ Pescetarian / Vegetarian / Human Allergen

It is truly inspiring that you decided to devote your life to the virtuous foregoing on all animal products after you read “The Omnivore’s Dilemma.” And wow – allergic to gluten, peanuts and dairy products too? Thanks for sharing!

With all due respect to those with voluntary or involuntary restrictions to their diet, it is poor taste to impose self-righteousness or self-pity on others unless they have specifically asked to discuss such matters. Otherwise, keep discussion of your personal relationship with food to a minimum. Try to steer the conversation toward more interesting matters such as your classes, weekend plans, and – if all else fails – the latest episode of “Modern Family.”

4. The Conditional Eater

“I think I’ll go try some of that blueberry cheesecake… since I went to the gym today.” The sentence just uttered was a perfectly suitable piece of conservation… up until the second clause. It’s great to be conscious of food and lifestyle, but keep qualms and rationalizations to yourself for the sake of everyone else’s mental ease, please.

Healthy eating and dieting are trendy topics covered in any tabloid on the newsstands today, which is a reflection of the greater notions and values held by American society in regard to food and body image. However, these issues remain as delicate and complex as ever, and have little place at the dinner table.

5. The MIA

I really enjoyed eating my dinner alone while you were standing for 20 minutes waiting in the stir-fry line. Pretending to read the Ski and Board Club flyer for the eighth time and meddling in my solitary thoughts are always such pleasant activities.

It’s true that balancing one’s desire for customized, more time-intensive meals while pleasing your dinner company can be tricky business. To avoid unwarranted rudeness, try to notify companions in advance of any projected delay in one’s food procurement. Otherwise, ensure that the dinner party is large enough so that your prolonged absence goes unnoticed.

In the spirit of the new semester, taking the time to self-reflect about one’s dining habits will enhance the overall experience.

Remember that access to the dining commons is one of the greatest luxuries of college. View future dining experiences as a privilege and a gift, and conduct yourself as such. Conversely, don’t let anyone else’s behaviors or attitudes get in the way of your own enjoyment and satisfaction. Bon appétit!

Merav Kaufman is a Collegian columnist and can be reached at [email protected].