Scrolling Headlines:

UMass hockey drops 4-1 decision against No. 3 Quinnipiac Friday night -

November 28, 2015

UMass women’s basketball routed by Colorado 90-63 Friday night -

November 28, 2015

UMass football closes book on 2015 season with win over Buffalo -

November 27, 2015

UMass hockey to face off against No. 3 Quinnipiac this weekend -

November 27, 2015

UMass men’s basketball drops first game of season to Creighton in MGM Grand Main Event finals -

November 26, 2015

UMass football prepares for final regular season game against Buffalo Friday -

November 25, 2015

UMass men’s basketball continues hot shooting in rout of Clemson Monday night -

November 24, 2015

SGA votes down letter opposing Baker’s statements on refugees -

November 24, 2015

IPO reaches out to local families to host international students for Thanksgiving -

November 24, 2015

Amherst Police Log: Nov. 20-22 -

November 24, 2015

Local Pioneer Valley food banks aim to fight hunger -

November 24, 2015

UMass club sports present petition alleging lack of resources, communication from athletic department -

November 24, 2015

UMass women’s basketball looks to get back on track in Omni Hotels Classic -

November 24, 2015

An inside look at the UMass club baseball team -

November 24, 2015

UMass men’s swimming proves victorious in Terrier Invitational, Minutewomen finish fourth -

November 24, 2015

The benefits of meditation -

November 24, 2015

In wake of Paris attacks, US should not ditch compassion -

November 24, 2015

Letter to the editor: Students for Justice in Palestine respond to a previous op-ed -

November 24, 2015

Student makes UMass history as first to perform mainstage production in wheelchair -

November 24, 2015

Graduate Employee Organization and UMass administrators meet to talk about late pay issues -

November 23, 2015

Why you most likely won’t survive the zombie apocalypse

It’s no doubt that zombies, with their rotting flesh and tendencies to devour human brains, are considered to be popular among some groups in today’s society.

With video games, movies and books dedicated to the lore of the undead, it is clear they have made a significant impact. The stories generally revolve around the same concept – the living dead have occupied the Earth and survivors band together in hope of survival. This common storyline has appealed to some who believe they would enjoy this scenario and be able to survive. Most that make this claim are lying or would quickly change their mind should they actually be placed in this position. In a hypothetical situation, there would be no winners.

For clarity, this article will use the concept of the slow-moving zombies with death from a bite, as opposed to one spread by a virus. More recent outings of zombie lore tend to favor running zombies and an infection that zombifies the person almost immediately. These changes are purely aesthetic and only really pack in a fear factor. True, the whole concept is difficult enough to believe as it is and probably won’t ever happen, but this article will consider the possibility.

Killing old friends

Unless you happen to be a total sociopath, the concept of slaughtering hundreds of zombies should eventually become a living nightmare after a while.

Sure, the idea of decapitating someone you hate might have some appeal; but the reality is that for most, this would cause an overwhelming sense of utter despair. Even if they are just a shell of the people they once were, memories flood and reluctance sets in. And that moment of hesitation can mean the difference between a kill and a bite. With death surrounding all sides, good luck keeping sanity.

For the record, I would love to slice up a few zombies with a katana. I believe a good chunk of us want that, just without the end of the world scenario.


A zombie apocalypse would essentially mean the end of the world. Given how unfit many people are, it’s likely that the zombie hordes would multiply fast, and by the time it’s beyond control, it’s a fight for resources among everyone.

Food expires, especially when power fails. Those who aren’t fast enough to raid stores will be left in the dust. Packaged food will be useless to most unless one is capable of making a fire on the fly, something that generally draws zombies. Planting seeds for fruits and vegetables is time-consuming, and it’s likely that one won’t be in one place long enough to harvest crops.

In the winter, forget it. In other words, have fun finding food.


So you’ve planned a complete zombie survival plan if the day should ever come, complete with escape route and weaponry? Good for you. Now where do other people factor into this?

If you’re so good at surviving, there will definitely be others who will as well. So how do these encounters factor? Just like any normal conversation, any encounter with a survivor can go in any direction. Are they trustworthy? Will they be there to steal your items? Should they join you, what then of that plan? It’s not likely they’ll follow your every move. No one ever said rebuilding society was an easy task. Taking the loner route is possible, but honestly, how long would that mentality last?


The zombies of this article are of slow-moving abilities. Individually, they don’t prove much of a threat. As a group, especially if blindsided or cornered, there’s a problem. This has been touched upon in modern media, but it still remains a valid point. Among those who claim they could survive, how many actually do physical activity? Being thin means nothing if one doesn’t have the stamina to keep moving. After sleepless nights and constant relocating, fatigue kicks in for all but the most enduring.


There will be no people attempting to save anyone in mass quantity, unless said people are idiots or philanthropists – or there may even be a run-in with the military. With most of the members being in a state of fear and ignorant of the origin of the zombie outbreak, you’re screwed either way. Should they not shoot on sight, chances are you’ll be taken into custody, where you’ll be tested upon and then forced to serve in a community.

When it comes down to it, should you establish a place to survive, a place to thrive, other people will want in. Lawlessness prevails, so be prepared to defend yourself, at least until the military rolls in. If you’re a survivor and you’re found, the military will want everything you have. But if you can fight back against men with combat gear and bulletproof armor, all the power to you.

There are no survivors in a zombie apocalypse. Ultimately, most everyone would fall in one way or another. But could it be fun to an extent? Definitely, especially with guns, explosions and some totally justified carnage. But throw out the plans, throw out the ideas. Should the world become a living hell, we’re all going down.

Tim Jones can be reached at and followed on Twitter @TimJones90.


One Response to “Why you most likely won’t survive the zombie apocalypse”
  1. Rory says:

    Tim, thanks for highlighting some of the less discussed points of the apocalypse, though I have to say it all sounds pretty pessimistic. Killing friends and potentially other survivors will be a necessity, obviously, so get as psychologically prepared for it out now… also, look into homesteading.

    Join us over at to continue the discussion!

Leave A Comment