Scrolling Headlines:

REPORT: UMass football’s Da’Sean Downey faces two assault charges in connection with February fight -

Thursday, August 27, 2015

UMass football Media Day: Catching up with Joe Colton -

Thursday, August 27, 2015

UMass football fall camp: Creating turnovers, forcing mistakes the focus for linebacking corps -

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Jurors hear police interview, read text messages by defendants in third UMass rape trial -

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

‘Living at UMass’ app aims to make move-in weekend a breeze -

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

UMass rape trial halts abruptly, opening statements delivered Tuesday -

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

UMass football fall camp: Jamal Wilson returns from injury with confidence he is ‘main guy’ at running back -

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

UMass football fall camp: Freshmen Sekai Lindsay, Andy Isabella impressing at running back -

Monday, August 24, 2015

UMass ranked in top 25 for LGBTQ students -

Monday, August 24, 2015

UMass football fall camp day five: Rodney Mills looks to continue bringing versatility to tight end position -

Friday, August 21, 2015

Route 9 Diner to reopen under new ownership -

Friday, August 21, 2015

Rising UMass sophomore dies unexpectedly -

Thursday, August 20, 2015

UMass football fall camp day four: Veteran offensive line boasts chemistry, looks to improve run blocking -

Thursday, August 20, 2015

A colorful UMass homecoming -

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Potential nighttime and weekend parking fee at UMass tabled -

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

UMass football fall camp day three: Ex-quarterbacks A.J. Doyle, Andrew Verboys continue transitions to new positions -

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

UMass football fall camp day two: Defensive secondary hopes experience, added depth brings greater consistency -

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

UMass football kicks off day one of fall camp Monday -

Monday, August 17, 2015

Cyr: The time to start talking football is back again -

Monday, August 17, 2015

UMass football adds series with USF, Maine to future schedules -

Thursday, August 13, 2015

The time for great change is upon us

Students, maintenance employees, Democrats, Republicans (for those of you that are still among us), zombies, werewolves and truck drivers. I have come to you, in this time of oppression and struggle, with an issue that must be taken with careful consideration and utmost seriousness.

You have been lied to and betrayed by the oppressive forces that surround the University of Massachusetts at the lovely town of Amherst. Those who would have you call them your “administrators,” “advisors” and “human resource assistants” are actually the enemies of what we fool ourselves into believing is a freedom-filled and functional democratic society. Every day, we are kept in the dark about the truth — the real truth, that surrounds our daily lives in this prison that we are so accustomed to calling a “center of innovation and learning.”

This is an illusion. Many of you, I’m sure, are aware that there are many objects that have been banned from common use in the dormitories of this University. It is about high-time we cry out in unanimity and unison, “We want our kittens!”

Flickr/eaghra

Kittens are adorable, we all know this to be a simple, wonderful fact of life. They play with wrapped up balls of yarn, crumpled up paper and even our toes. They’re uncannily soft and fuzzy and most importantly, they love.

But are they allowed in our dorms? Of course not. .

The oppressors have us in their grasp. We cannot get away from the web of lies they have spun around our college lives so very thickly. It is time to fight for what we know is right! These oppressors seek to drain every drop of happiness from our daily routines. They forget what it is like to love and be loved, for these oppressors themselves have slipped into a black hole of spiritual and mental torment from which they cannot escape.

They know not the feeling of looking at a kitten. Maybe they did once and their hearts just instantly melted with pure joy so that from that point on they have felt nothing toward actual emotion. Their power-mongering corruption has turned them against the very University to which they swore their unyielding effort and protection to intellectual and economic greatness! They have broken their promises and have taken away our happiness and our freedom. But my friends, we cannot let them take our kittens!

There are some who disagree with my views on the blatant and tyrannical corruption that has infested the higher-ups here at the University. They say we have good food, clean dormitories, fresh water and a beautiful campus. These are superficial distractions for our weak minds to distract us from the unfortunate truth about our campus: kittens are banned from on-campus dwelling.

Now I would like you all to ask yourselves: what kind of twisted human being does it take to deny kittens’ entrance to the University? There is no easy answer to this question, but one thing is quite certain: this is a civil injustice. In order to defeat the oppressors we must fight for what we know is the right thing to do!

I wish this were the extent of the crimes supported by the administration but it goes even further than kittens. Hamsters, gerbils, dogs, snakes, iguanas, and every other type of animal are also banned in the dormitories and therefore can find no refuge here on these grounds.

This evil must be extorted or who knows how much farther the soulless, power-hungry administration might go? Next we could be experiencing bans on window fans or Christmas lights and I believe I can speak for all when I say we definitely have no desire for such things.

Kittens must be the first step in ending hostilities toward adorable fuzzy companions and making sure they’re allowed on campus will be more than just adding a bundle of pure happiness to everyone’s day … it will start a campus-wide – perhaps even nation – revolution for the liberation of all furry friends .

So my friends, extend your hearts and minds to what you — the good people of this University — know to be the right thing to do. See through the tangled, blackened and corrupt vines that seek to block and deceive your better judgment. And so we must take action, fellow Amherstians. Whether you hail from the Bay State or elsewhere, we are all human beings and as such, we must fight fiercely for the adorable bundles of uncannily cuddly and soft fur we call kittens! We, as a people, must rise against the oppressors of the kittens, by the kittens, for the kittens.

Matt Brown is a Collegian columnist. He can be reached at mabrown@student.umass.edu.

Comments
2 Responses to “The time for great change is upon us”
  1. jenna says:

    I actually think it is really cruel to keep small pets, especially kittens, in dorm rooms. I’m not quite sure who the satire is aimed at here. If there aren’t rules then some people might try and keep pets locked in their rooms, without ever letting them outside for fresh air, interaction with other animals, sunlight ect.

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