January 28, 2015

Scrolling Headlines:

A bond over basketball: Trey Davis and Zach Coleman’s friendship continues to grow at UMass -

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Inside the Park with Marky Mark: January 27, 2015 -

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Panda Bear remains confident, even in the face of ‘The Grim Reaper’ -

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Why I want to be a teacher -

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Men’s and women’s swimming and diving teams wrap up third-place finishes at Dartmouth Invitational -

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

UMass’ College of Education to train Pakistani higher education administrators -

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Hao Luong shines for UMass men’s swimming and diving on Senior Day, prepares for end of college career -

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Police Log: Friday, Jan. 23, 2015 to Monday, Jan. 26, 2015 -

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Rachel Hilliard, Heather MacLean highlight solid performance from UMass women’s track and field -

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Hockey East: Eichel’s overtime goal pushes Boston University past Vermont -

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Albums to look forward to in 2015 -

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

UMass closes ahead of inclement weather -

Monday, January 26, 2015

Paranormal Research Society seeks to uncover the truth about the supernatural -

Monday, January 26, 2015

UMass tops Merrimack 4-1 to cap off successful weekend series -

Monday, January 26, 2015

‘Broad City’s’ second season off to a wickedly funny start -

Monday, January 26, 2015

Writers respond to State of the Union address -

Monday, January 26, 2015

St. Bonaventure earns tight victory, VCU clinches 11th straight win in Atlantic 10 men’s basketball action -

Monday, January 26, 2015

An open letter to the people who were kind when I was struggling -

Monday, January 26, 2015

UMass club hockey salvages weekend with tie against NYU on Saturday -

Monday, January 26, 2015

2015 Winter TCA’s announce bevy of show returns and new releases -

Monday, January 26, 2015

Click here to visit UMass Dining
Click here to visit UMass Dining

The time for great change is upon us

Students, maintenance employees, Democrats, Republicans (for those of you that are still among us), zombies, werewolves and truck drivers. I have come to you, in this time of oppression and struggle, with an issue that must be taken with careful consideration and utmost seriousness.

You have been lied to and betrayed by the oppressive forces that surround the University of Massachusetts at the lovely town of Amherst. Those who would have you call them your “administrators,” “advisors” and “human resource assistants” are actually the enemies of what we fool ourselves into believing is a freedom-filled and functional democratic society. Every day, we are kept in the dark about the truth — the real truth, that surrounds our daily lives in this prison that we are so accustomed to calling a “center of innovation and learning.”

This is an illusion. Many of you, I’m sure, are aware that there are many objects that have been banned from common use in the dormitories of this University. It is about high-time we cry out in unanimity and unison, “We want our kittens!”

Flickr/eaghra

Kittens are adorable, we all know this to be a simple, wonderful fact of life. They play with wrapped up balls of yarn, crumpled up paper and even our toes. They’re uncannily soft and fuzzy and most importantly, they love.

But are they allowed in our dorms? Of course not. .

The oppressors have us in their grasp. We cannot get away from the web of lies they have spun around our college lives so very thickly. It is time to fight for what we know is right! These oppressors seek to drain every drop of happiness from our daily routines. They forget what it is like to love and be loved, for these oppressors themselves have slipped into a black hole of spiritual and mental torment from which they cannot escape.

They know not the feeling of looking at a kitten. Maybe they did once and their hearts just instantly melted with pure joy so that from that point on they have felt nothing toward actual emotion. Their power-mongering corruption has turned them against the very University to which they swore their unyielding effort and protection to intellectual and economic greatness! They have broken their promises and have taken away our happiness and our freedom. But my friends, we cannot let them take our kittens!

There are some who disagree with my views on the blatant and tyrannical corruption that has infested the higher-ups here at the University. They say we have good food, clean dormitories, fresh water and a beautiful campus. These are superficial distractions for our weak minds to distract us from the unfortunate truth about our campus: kittens are banned from on-campus dwelling.

Now I would like you all to ask yourselves: what kind of twisted human being does it take to deny kittens’ entrance to the University? There is no easy answer to this question, but one thing is quite certain: this is a civil injustice. In order to defeat the oppressors we must fight for what we know is the right thing to do!

I wish this were the extent of the crimes supported by the administration but it goes even further than kittens. Hamsters, gerbils, dogs, snakes, iguanas, and every other type of animal are also banned in the dormitories and therefore can find no refuge here on these grounds.

This evil must be extorted or who knows how much farther the soulless, power-hungry administration might go? Next we could be experiencing bans on window fans or Christmas lights and I believe I can speak for all when I say we definitely have no desire for such things.

Kittens must be the first step in ending hostilities toward adorable fuzzy companions and making sure they’re allowed on campus will be more than just adding a bundle of pure happiness to everyone’s day … it will start a campus-wide – perhaps even nation – revolution for the liberation of all furry friends .

So my friends, extend your hearts and minds to what you — the good people of this University — know to be the right thing to do. See through the tangled, blackened and corrupt vines that seek to block and deceive your better judgment. And so we must take action, fellow Amherstians. Whether you hail from the Bay State or elsewhere, we are all human beings and as such, we must fight fiercely for the adorable bundles of uncannily cuddly and soft fur we call kittens! We, as a people, must rise against the oppressors of the kittens, by the kittens, for the kittens.

Matt Brown is a Collegian columnist. He can be reached at mabrown@student.umass.edu.

Comments
2 Responses to “The time for great change is upon us”
  1. jenna says:

    I actually think it is really cruel to keep small pets, especially kittens, in dorm rooms. I’m not quite sure who the satire is aimed at here. If there aren’t rules then some people might try and keep pets locked in their rooms, without ever letting them outside for fresh air, interaction with other animals, sunlight ect.

  2. Law says:

    Regard the submit I feel most of the great stage obtained protected right here, I saw a similar post upon an additional site however the factors weren’t because nicely put throughout, in reality this appeared to be a little favored on one side.

Leave A Comment