November 22, 2014

Scrolling Headlines:

UMass basketball can’t corral Grant, Irish in 81-68 loss -

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Frustration haunts Minutemen in 5-3 loss to Boston College -

Saturday, November 22, 2014

UMass hockey drops 5-3 decision to No. 12 Boston College Friday night -

Saturday, November 22, 2014

UMass hockey prepares for nationally ranked Hockey East foes BC, Vermont -

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Food scientist proposes way to improve health via breast milk -

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Miles Teller and J.K. Simmons shine in ‘Whiplash’ -

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Masculinity: A feminist’s perspective -

Thursday, November 20, 2014

UMass women’s basketball uses size and speed en route to its first win against Maine -

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Why Melissa McBride is the best actor on television -

Thursday, November 20, 2014

‘Gienie’ in a bottle: Patriots, Browns, and Seahawks highlight week 12 picks -

Thursday, November 20, 2014

UMass women’s basketball secures first victory of the season against Maine -

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Revisiting ‘The Hobbit’ trilogy as the final installment looms -

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Establishing the rules of classroom attendance -

Thursday, November 20, 2014

UMass hockey’s Troy Power reflects as his 100th career game approaches -

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Sophomore swimmer Meriza Werenski excelling in increased role -

Thursday, November 20, 2014

SGA senator plans survey on bigotry -

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Minutemen fall to Akron 30-6 on Tuesday night MACtion -

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Awaken your awareness to sleeping -

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

T-Swift v. Spotify: The battle over dying album sales -

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

The pumpkin spice pandemic -

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Letters to Santa

Dear Santa,

Can we have Dave Brubeck back, please?

Zac Bears

 

Dearest Santa Clause,

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you get me my BeDazzler (as seen on TV) now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Love your friend,

Mitchell Dante Scuzzarella

 

Dear non-existent Santa,

Please bring Christopher Hitchens back from the dead. I bet he would mock you.

Nikhil

 

Dear Santa,

Why do all my toys say made in China? I guess even you can’t abstain from the allure of cheap labor. Oink oink you capitalist pig.

Love,

Josh

 

Dear Santa,

Please don’t let it snow this year. I will even change my last name if you follow through with this wish of mine.

With love, from your son,

Taylor Snow

 

 

Flickr/vortistic

Dear Collegian,

Thanks for the letters guys. No matter what happens in the world, you guys always take a break from reporting and writing to send me your wishes. I’m not sure if you guys are lazy, or just filled with holiday cheer.

Or, maybe, you’re just greedy.

I understand things have been tough on campus. What’s with that construction stuff? It reminds me of the great North Pole makeover of ’86. You’ll never guess how many elves went on strike that year (and yes, to clear up any rumors, elves up here can unionize. They’re just filled with so much holiday cheer that they choose not to).

I’m not sure how you guys can be so grumpy this year. Just think about it. You’ve got Steve and Steve being all happy and cheery all the time – they’re almost never negative. You got that kid from Lowell who excitedly talks about anything and everything when he’s not doing his layout. There’s that choir girl who laughs about everything. And BP3. BP3, everybody. How can you be discouraged, depressed or feeling down when you’ve got that auburn-haired boss walking around?

Collegianites, look, just try and find the Upside of the Downside, OK? You need to look deep within yourselves and find that Collegiance that you’re always hearing about. Remember to give 107 percent whenever you can. If you do that, you’ll get everything you want for Christmas (or your holiday of choice).

Happy Holidays!

-Santa

PS – Tell that thief to give back the boxers, the heart medication and the pepperonis, please.

Santa Claus left town after the Merry Maple celebration so he can no longer be reached in Amherst. He can now only be reached at the North Pole.

Leave A Comment