September 19, 2014

Scrolling Headlines:

Work already underway for SGA speaker Sïonan Barrett -

Thursday, September 18, 2014

UMass in for a challenge against Penn State, QB Hackenberg -

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Nostalgia and angst abound in ‘Palo Alto’ -

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Want student power? End the SGA -

Thursday, September 18, 2014

UMass football kicking situation still undecided, looking forward to opportunity to play at Beaver Stadium -

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Lorenzo Woodley finds opportunity after getting lost in the shuffle -

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Millennials’ votes can make a difference in all elections -

Thursday, September 18, 2014

UMass faculty member Bonnie Strickland recognized for work in psychology -

Thursday, September 18, 2014

UMass women’s soccer suffers major set back with injury to co-captain Jackie Bruno -

Thursday, September 18, 2014

UMass men’s soccer returns home looking for season’s first win -

Thursday, September 18, 2014

UMass professor Elizabeth Chilton to speak in Madrid and Paris about importance of heritage studies -

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

UMass club rugby hopes to continue momentum despite opening loss -

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Bizarre foods eaten worldwide -

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

US should spend more on space -

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Walking through a week of practice with UMass field hockey -

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

UMass receives $37.5 million for environmental and sustainability initiatives -

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Irish coffee recipe -

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

To fight ISIS, US must understand them, not chalk up actions to pure evil -

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

UMass tennis is reloading, not rebuilding in 2014 -

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Fast food workers need more than $7.25 to sustain basic living -

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Letters to Santa

Dear Santa,

Can we have Dave Brubeck back, please?

Zac Bears

 

Dearest Santa Clause,

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you get me my BeDazzler (as seen on TV) now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Love your friend,

Mitchell Dante Scuzzarella

 

Dear non-existent Santa,

Please bring Christopher Hitchens back from the dead. I bet he would mock you.

Nikhil

 

Dear Santa,

Why do all my toys say made in China? I guess even you can’t abstain from the allure of cheap labor. Oink oink you capitalist pig.

Love,

Josh

 

Dear Santa,

Please don’t let it snow this year. I will even change my last name if you follow through with this wish of mine.

With love, from your son,

Taylor Snow

 

 

Flickr/vortistic

Dear Collegian,

Thanks for the letters guys. No matter what happens in the world, you guys always take a break from reporting and writing to send me your wishes. I’m not sure if you guys are lazy, or just filled with holiday cheer.

Or, maybe, you’re just greedy.

I understand things have been tough on campus. What’s with that construction stuff? It reminds me of the great North Pole makeover of ’86. You’ll never guess how many elves went on strike that year (and yes, to clear up any rumors, elves up here can unionize. They’re just filled with so much holiday cheer that they choose not to).

I’m not sure how you guys can be so grumpy this year. Just think about it. You’ve got Steve and Steve being all happy and cheery all the time – they’re almost never negative. You got that kid from Lowell who excitedly talks about anything and everything when he’s not doing his layout. There’s that choir girl who laughs about everything. And BP3. BP3, everybody. How can you be discouraged, depressed or feeling down when you’ve got that auburn-haired boss walking around?

Collegianites, look, just try and find the Upside of the Downside, OK? You need to look deep within yourselves and find that Collegiance that you’re always hearing about. Remember to give 107 percent whenever you can. If you do that, you’ll get everything you want for Christmas (or your holiday of choice).

Happy Holidays!

-Santa

PS – Tell that thief to give back the boxers, the heart medication and the pepperonis, please.

Santa Claus left town after the Merry Maple celebration so he can no longer be reached in Amherst. He can now only be reached at the North Pole.

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