Scrolling Headlines:

Inside the Park with Marky Mark: April 20, 2015 -

Monday, April 20, 2015

Reports: UMass adds forward Antwan Space -

Monday, April 20, 2015

UMass women’s lacrosse takes control in first half, hangs on against La Salle in Sunday win -

Sunday, April 19, 2015

UMass softball sweeps St. Bonaventure behind strong pitching from Caroline Raymond -

Sunday, April 19, 2015

UMass lacrosse proves triumphant in return to Garber Field -

Saturday, April 18, 2015

UMass men’s lacrosse improves playoff chances with victory over Drexel -

Saturday, April 18, 2015

UMass notebook: Kitching shines, West Springfield’s Dan Jonah catches touchdown -

Saturday, April 18, 2015

A.J. Doyle looks forward to contributing in a tight end role -

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Three up three down: Quarterback, defensive line play in focus for UMass -

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Mark Whipple: UMass football’s spring game a successful night -

Friday, April 17, 2015

A fan’s guide to the UMass football spring game -

Friday, April 17, 2015

UMass softball splits doubleheader against Marist in walk-off win -

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Inside the Park with Marky Mark: April 16, 2015 -

Thursday, April 16, 2015

UMass men’s lacrosse returns to Garber Field for crucial matchup with Drexel -

Thursday, April 16, 2015

New partnership to unite university students and town of Amherst -

Thursday, April 16, 2015

UMass baseball wins fifth straight -

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Why “Last Week Tonight” is the new champion of sanity in fake news -

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Letter: Appalled at local police’s poor training on domestic violence -

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Knitting, Crocheting and Needlework Club sparks motivation for crafty students -

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Divest UMass makes strides at Board of Trustees meeting -

Thursday, April 16, 2015

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Letters to Santa

Dear Santa,

Can we have Dave Brubeck back, please?

Zac Bears

 

Dearest Santa Clause,

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you get me my BeDazzler (as seen on TV) now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Love your friend,

Mitchell Dante Scuzzarella

 

Dear non-existent Santa,

Please bring Christopher Hitchens back from the dead. I bet he would mock you.

Nikhil

 

Dear Santa,

Why do all my toys say made in China? I guess even you can’t abstain from the allure of cheap labor. Oink oink you capitalist pig.

Love,

Josh

 

Dear Santa,

Please don’t let it snow this year. I will even change my last name if you follow through with this wish of mine.

With love, from your son,

Taylor Snow

 

 

Flickr/vortistic

Dear Collegian,

Thanks for the letters guys. No matter what happens in the world, you guys always take a break from reporting and writing to send me your wishes. I’m not sure if you guys are lazy, or just filled with holiday cheer.

Or, maybe, you’re just greedy.

I understand things have been tough on campus. What’s with that construction stuff? It reminds me of the great North Pole makeover of ’86. You’ll never guess how many elves went on strike that year (and yes, to clear up any rumors, elves up here can unionize. They’re just filled with so much holiday cheer that they choose not to).

I’m not sure how you guys can be so grumpy this year. Just think about it. You’ve got Steve and Steve being all happy and cheery all the time – they’re almost never negative. You got that kid from Lowell who excitedly talks about anything and everything when he’s not doing his layout. There’s that choir girl who laughs about everything. And BP3. BP3, everybody. How can you be discouraged, depressed or feeling down when you’ve got that auburn-haired boss walking around?

Collegianites, look, just try and find the Upside of the Downside, OK? You need to look deep within yourselves and find that Collegiance that you’re always hearing about. Remember to give 107 percent whenever you can. If you do that, you’ll get everything you want for Christmas (or your holiday of choice).

Happy Holidays!

-Santa

PS – Tell that thief to give back the boxers, the heart medication and the pepperonis, please.

Santa Claus left town after the Merry Maple celebration so he can no longer be reached in Amherst. He can now only be reached at the North Pole.

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