October 1, 2014

Scrolling Headlines:

UMass chancellor suspends use of student confidential informants -

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Only a freshman, Matthew Mooney provides valuable minutes for UMass men’s soccer -

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Fox’s new ‘Red Band Society’ could be important if it wasn’t misguided -

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

The SGA can’t fix problems without students’ help -

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Minutewomen look for improved offense, steady defense in A-10 play -

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Safe Passage provides services for survivors of domestic violence -

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

A fruity, creamy berry Irish Fool recipe -

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

UMass women’s soccer battles Harvard to a draw -

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

UMatter at UMass campaign tackling problem of alcohol and drug abuse -

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

UMass to implement new electronic security sign-in system -

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

With conference play under way, UMass looks to get on track -

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Depth, chemistry powers UMass club hockey -

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Hader and Wiig give a beating heart to ‘Skeleton Twins’ -

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

UMass falls short at home to UNH 1-0 -

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Tennis shines in West Point Invitational -

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

SGA to launch new binge drinking awareness campaign -

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

UMass rugby captain Devin Ibanez: ‘I’m just a rugby maniac’ -

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

SGA discusses University’s confidential informant policy -

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Akron upsets ACC foe, Toledo outruns Central Michigan -

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Electro-pop duo Cherub takes its sweet sound to Pearl Street -

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Letters to Santa

Dear Santa,

Can we have Dave Brubeck back, please?

Zac Bears

 

Dearest Santa Clause,

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you get me my BeDazzler (as seen on TV) now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Love your friend,

Mitchell Dante Scuzzarella

 

Dear non-existent Santa,

Please bring Christopher Hitchens back from the dead. I bet he would mock you.

Nikhil

 

Dear Santa,

Why do all my toys say made in China? I guess even you can’t abstain from the allure of cheap labor. Oink oink you capitalist pig.

Love,

Josh

 

Dear Santa,

Please don’t let it snow this year. I will even change my last name if you follow through with this wish of mine.

With love, from your son,

Taylor Snow

 

 

Flickr/vortistic

Dear Collegian,

Thanks for the letters guys. No matter what happens in the world, you guys always take a break from reporting and writing to send me your wishes. I’m not sure if you guys are lazy, or just filled with holiday cheer.

Or, maybe, you’re just greedy.

I understand things have been tough on campus. What’s with that construction stuff? It reminds me of the great North Pole makeover of ’86. You’ll never guess how many elves went on strike that year (and yes, to clear up any rumors, elves up here can unionize. They’re just filled with so much holiday cheer that they choose not to).

I’m not sure how you guys can be so grumpy this year. Just think about it. You’ve got Steve and Steve being all happy and cheery all the time – they’re almost never negative. You got that kid from Lowell who excitedly talks about anything and everything when he’s not doing his layout. There’s that choir girl who laughs about everything. And BP3. BP3, everybody. How can you be discouraged, depressed or feeling down when you’ve got that auburn-haired boss walking around?

Collegianites, look, just try and find the Upside of the Downside, OK? You need to look deep within yourselves and find that Collegiance that you’re always hearing about. Remember to give 107 percent whenever you can. If you do that, you’ll get everything you want for Christmas (or your holiday of choice).

Happy Holidays!

-Santa

PS – Tell that thief to give back the boxers, the heart medication and the pepperonis, please.

Santa Claus left town after the Merry Maple celebration so he can no longer be reached in Amherst. He can now only be reached at the North Pole.

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