Scrolling Headlines:

Men’s soccer unbeaten streak ends against URI -

October 20, 2016

The Hawkshot: Sarah Hawkshaw, her unusual shot and more -

October 20, 2016

Hockey Special Issue 2016 -

October 20, 2016

Question 2 about giving 33K kids a choice in education -

October 20, 2016

Apple crop reduced in wake of drought -

October 20, 2016

UMass political RSOs provide the tools necessary to vote in this year’s election -

October 20, 2016

Students thrilled to vote yes on ballot Question 3 and 4 -

October 20, 2016

UMass football readies for its third and final SEC opponent, taking on South Carolina Saturday -

October 20, 2016

UMass hockey’s goalie threesome continues to battle for starting duties -

October 20, 2016

UMass hockey enters the 2016-17 season with a full slate of major tournaments and classics -

October 20, 2016

UMass hockey enters 2016-17 season with plenty of question marks -

October 20, 2016

UMass women’s soccer welcomes overtimes as if it were a normal part of the game -

October 20, 2016

UMass hockey’s freshmen class is being counted on to produce instantly for the Minutemen -

October 20, 2016

Senior captain Steven Iacobellis reflects on his journey through hockey in final season at UMass -

October 20, 2016

UMass hockey coach Greg Carvel ready to lead Minutemen in right direction -

October 20, 2016

The race to space -

October 20, 2016

Rape culture on campus: to UMass, with severe concern -

October 20, 2016

Monday shots at McMurphy’s: an unofficial review -

October 20, 2016

Introducing two of UMass’ new farm partners -

October 20, 2016

Community forum debates Question 2 -

October 19, 2016

Letters to Santa

Dear Santa,

Can we have Dave Brubeck back, please?

Zac Bears


Dearest Santa Clause,

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you get me my BeDazzler (as seen on TV) now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Love your friend,

Mitchell Dante Scuzzarella


Dear non-existent Santa,

Please bring Christopher Hitchens back from the dead. I bet he would mock you.



Dear Santa,

Why do all my toys say made in China? I guess even you can’t abstain from the allure of cheap labor. Oink oink you capitalist pig.




Dear Santa,

Please don’t let it snow this year. I will even change my last name if you follow through with this wish of mine.

With love, from your son,

Taylor Snow




Dear Collegian,

Thanks for the letters guys. No matter what happens in the world, you guys always take a break from reporting and writing to send me your wishes. I’m not sure if you guys are lazy, or just filled with holiday cheer.

Or, maybe, you’re just greedy.

I understand things have been tough on campus. What’s with that construction stuff? It reminds me of the great North Pole makeover of ’86. You’ll never guess how many elves went on strike that year (and yes, to clear up any rumors, elves up here can unionize. They’re just filled with so much holiday cheer that they choose not to).

I’m not sure how you guys can be so grumpy this year. Just think about it. You’ve got Steve and Steve being all happy and cheery all the time – they’re almost never negative. You got that kid from Lowell who excitedly talks about anything and everything when he’s not doing his layout. There’s that choir girl who laughs about everything. And BP3. BP3, everybody. How can you be discouraged, depressed or feeling down when you’ve got that auburn-haired boss walking around?

Collegianites, look, just try and find the Upside of the Downside, OK? You need to look deep within yourselves and find that Collegiance that you’re always hearing about. Remember to give 107 percent whenever you can. If you do that, you’ll get everything you want for Christmas (or your holiday of choice).

Happy Holidays!


PS – Tell that thief to give back the boxers, the heart medication and the pepperonis, please.

Santa Claus left town after the Merry Maple celebration so he can no longer be reached in Amherst. He can now only be reached at the North Pole.

One Response to “Letters to Santa”
  1. Diego says:

    So this is where the meme came from!

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