Scrolling Headlines:

Just another night at the Mullins Center for UMass hockey -

February 13, 2016

Three-goal second period sinks UMass hockey in defeat against Northeastern -

February 13, 2016

SLIDESHOW: Tyrone Parham Sworn in as Police Chief -

February 12, 2016

UMass men’s lacrosse falls to Army 9-5 in season opener -

February 12, 2016

UMass Police Chief Tyrone Parham ‘optimistic’ as University prepares for Blarney -

February 12, 2016

UMass revises guest policy in advance of ‘Blarney’ weekend -

February 12, 2016

Jabarie Hinds gives UMass men’s basketball a lift in upset win over VCU -

February 11, 2016

UMass men’s basketball overcomes late VCU surge in 69-63 win -

February 11, 2016

Offensive vandalism found in Integrated Learning Center -

February 11, 2016

Nominations for SGA elections will remain open until Feb. 19 -

February 11, 2016

SGA, MassPIRG work together on open source textbook initiative -

February 11, 2016

Civil rights activist Cornel West to speak at Smith College -

February 11, 2016

Uncertainties surround UMass men’s lacrosse as it kicks off season against Army -

February 11, 2016

New face, same old ‘Havoc’: UMass basketball ready to face familiar style of play against VCU -

February 11, 2016

UMass women’s lacrosse begins season with high expectations, seeking eighth straight A-10 championship -

February 11, 2016

UMass hockey players react to news of next year’s trip to Belfast -

February 11, 2016

UMass women’s basketball falls to La Salle, drops 11th straight game -

February 11, 2016

‘Havoc’ returns to Mullins Center as UMass men’s basketball prepares for VCU -

February 11, 2016

Bernie Sanders already making history as Jewish candidate -

February 11, 2016

Super Bowl is an impressive feat of entertainment -

February 11, 2016

Letters to Santa

Dear Santa,

Can we have Dave Brubeck back, please?

Zac Bears

 

Dearest Santa Clause,

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you get me my BeDazzler (as seen on TV) now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Love your friend,

Mitchell Dante Scuzzarella

 

Dear non-existent Santa,

Please bring Christopher Hitchens back from the dead. I bet he would mock you.

Nikhil

 

Dear Santa,

Why do all my toys say made in China? I guess even you can’t abstain from the allure of cheap labor. Oink oink you capitalist pig.

Love,

Josh

 

Dear Santa,

Please don’t let it snow this year. I will even change my last name if you follow through with this wish of mine.

With love, from your son,

Taylor Snow

 

 

Flickr/vortistic

Dear Collegian,

Thanks for the letters guys. No matter what happens in the world, you guys always take a break from reporting and writing to send me your wishes. I’m not sure if you guys are lazy, or just filled with holiday cheer.

Or, maybe, you’re just greedy.

I understand things have been tough on campus. What’s with that construction stuff? It reminds me of the great North Pole makeover of ’86. You’ll never guess how many elves went on strike that year (and yes, to clear up any rumors, elves up here can unionize. They’re just filled with so much holiday cheer that they choose not to).

I’m not sure how you guys can be so grumpy this year. Just think about it. You’ve got Steve and Steve being all happy and cheery all the time – they’re almost never negative. You got that kid from Lowell who excitedly talks about anything and everything when he’s not doing his layout. There’s that choir girl who laughs about everything. And BP3. BP3, everybody. How can you be discouraged, depressed or feeling down when you’ve got that auburn-haired boss walking around?

Collegianites, look, just try and find the Upside of the Downside, OK? You need to look deep within yourselves and find that Collegiance that you’re always hearing about. Remember to give 107 percent whenever you can. If you do that, you’ll get everything you want for Christmas (or your holiday of choice).

Happy Holidays!

-Santa

PS – Tell that thief to give back the boxers, the heart medication and the pepperonis, please.

Santa Claus left town after the Merry Maple celebration so he can no longer be reached in Amherst. He can now only be reached at the North Pole.

Comments
One Response to “Letters to Santa”
  1. Diego says:

    So this is where the meme came from!

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