Scrolling Headlines:

Former Canisius guard Zach Lewis to transfer to UMass -

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Letter: Deflate-Gate, where’s the air? -

Monday, May 18, 2015

Derrick Gordon announces he will transfer to Seton Hall -

Sunday, May 17, 2015

UMass baseball closes season out with series victory over George Mason -

Sunday, May 17, 2015

UMass to allow four student businesses to accept Dining Dollars next year -

Saturday, May 16, 2015

UMass baseball stymied by John Williams in loss to George Mason -

Friday, May 15, 2015

Jury sentences Tsarnaev to death -

Friday, May 15, 2015

Stop ignoring your white privilege -

Thursday, May 14, 2015

UMass basketball scheduled for showdown with Ole Miss in 2015 Holiday Showcase game -

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Letter: Wall is a regression towards racial inequality -

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

UMass falls to Fairfield in extra innings in final home game -

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

UMass basketball recruit Marcquise Reed chooses Clemson -

Monday, May 11, 2015

UMass baseball drops Senior Day rubber match against URI -

Monday, May 11, 2015

Letter: Shocked at radio host’s ban from WMUA -

Monday, May 11, 2015

UMass women’s lacrosse falls in second round of NCAA tournament against top-seeded Maryland -

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Neil deGrasse Tyson: ‘It’s okay not to know’ -

Friday, May 8, 2015

Defense, Eipp’s five goals lead UMass women’s lacrosse past Jacksonville in NCAA tournament -

Friday, May 8, 2015

Quianna Diaz-Patterson closes book on historic senior season, successful career for UMass softball -

Friday, May 8, 2015

UMass men’s lacrosse overcomes early struggles to make 2015 playoff run -

Thursday, May 7, 2015

UMass softball fails to reach expectations in up-and-down 2015 season -

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Advertisement

Letters to Santa

Dear Santa,

Can we have Dave Brubeck back, please?

Zac Bears

 

Dearest Santa Clause,

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you get me my BeDazzler (as seen on TV) now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Love your friend,

Mitchell Dante Scuzzarella

 

Dear non-existent Santa,

Please bring Christopher Hitchens back from the dead. I bet he would mock you.

Nikhil

 

Dear Santa,

Why do all my toys say made in China? I guess even you can’t abstain from the allure of cheap labor. Oink oink you capitalist pig.

Love,

Josh

 

Dear Santa,

Please don’t let it snow this year. I will even change my last name if you follow through with this wish of mine.

With love, from your son,

Taylor Snow

 

 

Flickr/vortistic

Dear Collegian,

Thanks for the letters guys. No matter what happens in the world, you guys always take a break from reporting and writing to send me your wishes. I’m not sure if you guys are lazy, or just filled with holiday cheer.

Or, maybe, you’re just greedy.

I understand things have been tough on campus. What’s with that construction stuff? It reminds me of the great North Pole makeover of ’86. You’ll never guess how many elves went on strike that year (and yes, to clear up any rumors, elves up here can unionize. They’re just filled with so much holiday cheer that they choose not to).

I’m not sure how you guys can be so grumpy this year. Just think about it. You’ve got Steve and Steve being all happy and cheery all the time – they’re almost never negative. You got that kid from Lowell who excitedly talks about anything and everything when he’s not doing his layout. There’s that choir girl who laughs about everything. And BP3. BP3, everybody. How can you be discouraged, depressed or feeling down when you’ve got that auburn-haired boss walking around?

Collegianites, look, just try and find the Upside of the Downside, OK? You need to look deep within yourselves and find that Collegiance that you’re always hearing about. Remember to give 107 percent whenever you can. If you do that, you’ll get everything you want for Christmas (or your holiday of choice).

Happy Holidays!

-Santa

PS – Tell that thief to give back the boxers, the heart medication and the pepperonis, please.

Santa Claus left town after the Merry Maple celebration so he can no longer be reached in Amherst. He can now only be reached at the North Pole.

Leave A Comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.