August 31, 2014

Scrolling Headlines:

BC’s methodical rushing attack wears UMass down -

Saturday, August 30, 2014

UMass football dominated as Boston College rolls to a 30-7 victory -

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Arrest made after lewd acts on campus -

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Suspect in custody after break-ins on Lincoln Avenue -

Thursday, August 28, 2014

UMass crime alerts reveal reports of lewd acts -

Friday, August 22, 2014

UMass women’s soccer hopes added depth brings more consistency in 2014 -

Friday, August 22, 2014

UMass mourns death of alumnus and journalist James Foley -

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Kassan Messiah, Trey Seals to shoulder pass rushing responsibility for UMass football -

Thursday, August 21, 2014

UMass names Blake Frohnapfel as the starting quarterback -

Monday, August 18, 2014

Decision looms for Mark Whipple as UMass football looks to name starting quarterback -

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Former UMass star Marcel Shipp overseeing a strong running back competition -

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Former UMass basketball star Chaz Williams signs professional contract in Turkey, still eyeing NBA career -

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Minutemen anxious to display aggressive defense -

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

UMass football turns the page, excited for 2014 season -

Monday, August 4, 2014

UMass student struck and killed by vehicle Thursday night -

Friday, August 1, 2014

UMass receives anonymous $10.3 million gift -

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

UMass football summer coverage 2014 -

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Chiarelli: Sam Koch’s impact evident in those who knew him best -

Monday, July 21, 2014

Longtime UMass men’s soccer coach Sam Koch dies after two-year battle with sinus cancer -

Monday, July 21, 2014

Southwest evacuated after gas leak -

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Letters to Santa

Dear Santa,

Can we have Dave Brubeck back, please?

Zac Bears

 

Dearest Santa Clause,

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you get me my BeDazzler (as seen on TV) now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Love your friend,

Mitchell Dante Scuzzarella

 

Dear non-existent Santa,

Please bring Christopher Hitchens back from the dead. I bet he would mock you.

Nikhil

 

Dear Santa,

Why do all my toys say made in China? I guess even you can’t abstain from the allure of cheap labor. Oink oink you capitalist pig.

Love,

Josh

 

Dear Santa,

Please don’t let it snow this year. I will even change my last name if you follow through with this wish of mine.

With love, from your son,

Taylor Snow

 

 

Flickr/vortistic

Dear Collegian,

Thanks for the letters guys. No matter what happens in the world, you guys always take a break from reporting and writing to send me your wishes. I’m not sure if you guys are lazy, or just filled with holiday cheer.

Or, maybe, you’re just greedy.

I understand things have been tough on campus. What’s with that construction stuff? It reminds me of the great North Pole makeover of ’86. You’ll never guess how many elves went on strike that year (and yes, to clear up any rumors, elves up here can unionize. They’re just filled with so much holiday cheer that they choose not to).

I’m not sure how you guys can be so grumpy this year. Just think about it. You’ve got Steve and Steve being all happy and cheery all the time – they’re almost never negative. You got that kid from Lowell who excitedly talks about anything and everything when he’s not doing his layout. There’s that choir girl who laughs about everything. And BP3. BP3, everybody. How can you be discouraged, depressed or feeling down when you’ve got that auburn-haired boss walking around?

Collegianites, look, just try and find the Upside of the Downside, OK? You need to look deep within yourselves and find that Collegiance that you’re always hearing about. Remember to give 107 percent whenever you can. If you do that, you’ll get everything you want for Christmas (or your holiday of choice).

Happy Holidays!

-Santa

PS – Tell that thief to give back the boxers, the heart medication and the pepperonis, please.

Santa Claus left town after the Merry Maple celebration so he can no longer be reached in Amherst. He can now only be reached at the North Pole.

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