October 20, 2014

Scrolling Headlines:

UMass student charged in connection with alleged involvement in racist vandalisms -

Monday, October 20, 2014

BREAKING: Police investigating death of 21-year-old female in McNamara Hall -

Monday, October 20, 2014

Protect Our Breasts runs Breast Cancer Awareness campaign -

Monday, October 20, 2014

Underclassmen lead UMass hockey to first victory of the season -

Monday, October 20, 2014

Super Smash Bros. 3DS: A classic revitalized -

Monday, October 20, 2014

Dear Chancellor: Improve the FAC -

Monday, October 20, 2014

UMass women’s soccer shut out by Rhode Island -

Monday, October 20, 2014

Students at UMass rally to show support for Hong Kong -

Monday, October 20, 2014

Duolingo makes learning a language easier -

Monday, October 20, 2014

UMass men’s swimming and diving falls to Army; women’s team gets revenge -

Monday, October 20, 2014

UMass field hockey gets back to .500 with win over BU Sunday -

Monday, October 20, 2014

‘Columbus Day’ demonstrates ignorant view of the past -

Monday, October 20, 2014

Students for Justice in Palestine aims to spread awareness, not argue -

Monday, October 20, 2014

Mending fences: SGA and Amherst officials work together to improve town/gown relations -

Monday, October 20, 2014

UMass men’s soccer drops 5-0 decision to Saint Louis -

Monday, October 20, 2014

The Phablet continues to grow and maintain popularity -

Monday, October 20, 2014

Dayton Flyers soar at Rudd Field, 4-1 over the Minutemen -

Sunday, October 19, 2014

UMass football’s Sharpe continues his banner season in 36-14 win over Eastern Michigan -

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Shadrach Abrokwah has career day in UMass football’s 36-14 win over Eastern Michigan. -

Saturday, October 18, 2014

UMass tops Eastern Michigan 36-14, puts together first FBS winning streak -

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Morning Wood: U2 to perform ‘Blarney’ benefit concert

Morning Wood File Photo

Morning Wood File Photo

This weekend, the ethereal, emotional and empowering notes of timeless songs like “Where the Streets Have No Name,” “With Or Without You” and “Beautiful Day” will ring out across the University of Massachusetts. That’s right, legendary Irish rock band U2 is coming to campus.

Still devastated after the unfathomable tragedies of March 8, “Blarney Blowout,” the University of Massachusetts campus is welcoming with open arms the concert that lead singer Bono promises will “help bring the eyes of the world upon this terrible slight on humanity.”

Citing the shared Irish heritage of both the revelers of Blarney Blowout and the band themselves, Bono announced the show at an emotional press conference. “Of course, every single person at the celebration was Irish, so how could the Edge, Larry, Adam and I ignore this?” Bono asked as he motioned towards his three band mates, who were similarly sober. “These are our brothers and sisters, once I heard about this I knew we had to do something.”

Fully aware of student uproar surrounding the tragedy, Chancellor Kumble R. Subbaswamy exhibited a neutral façade towards the concert. “I am honored that U2 chose to hold a concert on our campus to raise awareness of the students who were affected by this terrible tragedy.” Subbaswamy then added, “Of course, as long as the band realizes that most of the arrests took place off campus, and that the events in no way shape or form reflect the University in any way.”

UMass students were absolutely thrilled for the upcoming concert. “Oh my God, it’s going to be amazing!” said biochemistry major Angie Olson. “I can’t wait to get completely shitfaced and sing along to ‘Beautiful Day’! It’s my favorite song!”

Sports management major Omar Rodriguez-Lopez said “oh my god I’m gonna pregame so hard…” before he turned to his friend and said “dude we should totally f*cking riot during ‘Sunday Bloody Sunday.’ It’ll be f*cking wicked.” Soon after Mr. Rodriguez-Lopez was heard assuring his friends that he is “tight with this guy on the 22nd floor of Kennedy,” and that he could secure sufficient libations for the concert.

U2’s most recent release was the Golden Globe winning single “Ordinary Love,” written as a tribute to the recently deceased Nelson Mandela. Although the song was originally written for one of the most iconic freedom fighters history has ever seen, Bono said that the song “applies just as much to those who fell at Blarney.”

“Mandela bravely fought against an oppressive regime and brutal police. These students also had to face the uncompromising brutality of a regime that wished to suppress their spirit at all cost. So ‘Ordinary Love’ will perfectly fit the atmosphere.”

In a precautionary e-mail sent to the entire student body, Chancellor Subbaswamy warned students of the consequences of alcohol consumption at the event. He also mentioned exactly which fraternity houses and other residential areas would be pre-gaming and serving alcohol, before adding finally, “Whatever you do. Do not go to these areas. Just don’t do it.”

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