March 29, 2015

Scrolling Headlines:

UMass men’s lacrosse’s win streak snapped in battle with No. 18 Towson -

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Closing arguments presented, jury deliberations begin Friday in first of four 2012 gang rape trials -

Friday, March 27, 2015

UMass library opens groundbreaking 3D printing lab -

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Defendant in 2012 gang rape case says accuser consented to sex -

Thursday, March 26, 2015

For the love of the craft: UMass Juggling Club -

Thursday, March 26, 2015

UMass lacrosse looks for fourth straight victory versus Towson -

Thursday, March 26, 2015

The dark, twisty special on Robert Durst proves that, yet again, humanity’s biggest “Jinx” is hubris -

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Law and order, UMass style -

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Hillel fails to represent all Jewish students -

Thursday, March 26, 2015

UMass women’s lacrosse aims another perfect conference record against Duquesne -

Thursday, March 26, 2015

UMass heads home to take on Albany -

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Coming off weekend victory, UMass softball prepares for series against St. Josephs -

Thursday, March 26, 2015

‘The Last Man on Earth?’ more like, ‘The Worst Show on Earth’ -

Thursday, March 26, 2015

A new face for money -

Thursday, March 26, 2015

UMass hopes to carry momentum into weekend series against VCU -

Thursday, March 26, 2015

UMass Theatre Guild to present “Seussical” this weekend -

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

UMass eyes the future of its athletics with the hiring of Athletic Director Ryan Bamford -

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Derrick Gordon to transfer from UMass in search of more prominent role -

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Local author and activist Don Ogden writes to make environmental change -

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Chiarelli: Football the center of attention Tuesday at Bamford’s hiring -

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Morning Wood: U2 to perform ‘Blarney’ benefit concert

Morning Wood File Photo

Morning Wood File Photo

This weekend, the ethereal, emotional and empowering notes of timeless songs like “Where the Streets Have No Name,” “With Or Without You” and “Beautiful Day” will ring out across the University of Massachusetts. That’s right, legendary Irish rock band U2 is coming to campus.

Still devastated after the unfathomable tragedies of March 8, “Blarney Blowout,” the University of Massachusetts campus is welcoming with open arms the concert that lead singer Bono promises will “help bring the eyes of the world upon this terrible slight on humanity.”

Citing the shared Irish heritage of both the revelers of Blarney Blowout and the band themselves, Bono announced the show at an emotional press conference. “Of course, every single person at the celebration was Irish, so how could the Edge, Larry, Adam and I ignore this?” Bono asked as he motioned towards his three band mates, who were similarly sober. “These are our brothers and sisters, once I heard about this I knew we had to do something.”

Fully aware of student uproar surrounding the tragedy, Chancellor Kumble R. Subbaswamy exhibited a neutral façade towards the concert. “I am honored that U2 chose to hold a concert on our campus to raise awareness of the students who were affected by this terrible tragedy.” Subbaswamy then added, “Of course, as long as the band realizes that most of the arrests took place off campus, and that the events in no way shape or form reflect the University in any way.”

UMass students were absolutely thrilled for the upcoming concert. “Oh my God, it’s going to be amazing!” said biochemistry major Angie Olson. “I can’t wait to get completely shitfaced and sing along to ‘Beautiful Day’! It’s my favorite song!”

Sports management major Omar Rodriguez-Lopez said “oh my god I’m gonna pregame so hard…” before he turned to his friend and said “dude we should totally f*cking riot during ‘Sunday Bloody Sunday.’ It’ll be f*cking wicked.” Soon after Mr. Rodriguez-Lopez was heard assuring his friends that he is “tight with this guy on the 22nd floor of Kennedy,” and that he could secure sufficient libations for the concert.

U2’s most recent release was the Golden Globe winning single “Ordinary Love,” written as a tribute to the recently deceased Nelson Mandela. Although the song was originally written for one of the most iconic freedom fighters history has ever seen, Bono said that the song “applies just as much to those who fell at Blarney.”

“Mandela bravely fought against an oppressive regime and brutal police. These students also had to face the uncompromising brutality of a regime that wished to suppress their spirit at all cost. So ‘Ordinary Love’ will perfectly fit the atmosphere.”

In a precautionary e-mail sent to the entire student body, Chancellor Subbaswamy warned students of the consequences of alcohol consumption at the event. He also mentioned exactly which fraternity houses and other residential areas would be pre-gaming and serving alcohol, before adding finally, “Whatever you do. Do not go to these areas. Just don’t do it.”

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