Massachusetts Daily Collegian

Bad romance

By Alex Perry

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I am tired of most things in our “progressive” culture today – and I’m not just talking about the “Let’s have government solve all of our problems” warpath our expert NCAA basketball bracket-picking president is on.

Specifically, one of the biggest problems keeping me tossing and turning at night is the seemingly ridiculous, dumb phenomenon that has become mainstream in recent years: casual “hookups.” Of course, this situation is not exclusive to our campus here at the University of Massachusetts, it is seemingly present at every college and high school around the United States these days.

This culture of people “hooking up” with others whom they are not dating or, God forbid, married to drives me crazy for a few reasons. The first is how unattractive and degrading it is for women, but that is just me. That’s not what I want to talk about. What I want to talk about is what it means for where our society is headed. When my parents were my age, it was not commonplace for people to “hookup” with one another without dating. In their crazy world, the norm was for people to date and then, if after dating for a period of time a couple decided they liked each other, they might have engaged in “hooking up” before marriage. But somewhere along the line during the past 20 years, men were apparently successful in creating a culture where the norm became hooking up with someone for a period of time and then, if you like the hookups, consider dating.

I want to be clear about something, particularly to my female counterparts. Hooking up with someone without dating them is not a winning strategy for forming a long-term romantic relationship. Most guys are just not going to respect a girl they are casually hooking up with enough to enter into a romantic relationship with them. The reason they are hooking up casually with girls is because they only want to be hooking up casually with girls. If they intended to date the girl they are hooking up with, they would’ve already asked the girl out on a date.

I think a common question among girls my age is why they haven’t been asked out on dates. Why are they single? Many girls seem to have just convinced themselves that “dating is dead” or “people just don’t date anymore.” I can tell all the girls who feel this way why they are never asked out on dates – guys no longer have to do this to get what they want on a Friday night. Girls have enabled men to hookup with them casually, no strings attached.

I say girls have enabled this because they engage in the behavior of hooking up casually, too. If girls want relationships over casual hookups, they simply shouldn’t enable guys to hookup with them without being committed.

Why would a guy ask a girl he could casually hookup with on a date? What is the benefit of dating for a college-aged male in this situation? Getting to know her, too? I don’t think getting to know someone is high on a guy’s priority list on a Friday night. Casual hookups probably are, though.

I was watching a show on MTV the other day entitled, “True Life: I Have a Friend with Benefits.” For those who don’t know, “friends with benefits” are people who are allegedly friends, but cross the lines of a standard friendship by hooking up. This classic episode of “True Life” documented how poorly these relationships work. It showed the girls in these relationships crying at the end because they were so devastated that the friends-with-benefits relationship wasn’t going to turn into a long-term romantic one. The guys in the show rejected them.

Girls know that friends-with-benefits relationships don’t end well for them, yet still practice the behaviors they know are doomed to fail.

I’m just tired of girls complaining about a problem that they themselves are causing. “Am I ever going to find someone?” It’s ridiculous. No, it is highly unlikely you will find someone while engaging in casual hookup behavior. It’s like a fat man eating a Big Mac, fries and a liter of Coke at McDonald’s, then complaining about his weight. You are causing the problem my friend. You can only solve the problem by disengaging from this behavior.

I hate to single out girls for this issue, but they are the problem. This “casual hookup” scenario is not a problem from a guy’s perspective. Hooking up with girls without having to put forth any effort? It would have sounded like a paradise fantasy world for guys 50 years ago. Guys don’t want to change this situation; they want to keep it going. If girls are waiting around for guys to step up to the plate, they are also probably waiting for Kansas to cut down the nets in the Final Four.

The way to stop our culture from regressing to the point where no one ever bothers to get married anymore is for women to stop praising behavior found in shows like “Sex and the City.” Girls should start conducting themselves like rational human beings. Stop becoming friends with benefits. Stop casually hooking up with guys when you binge drink on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. Only when this occurs will our country be able to revive a culture of dating. Until then, I don’t want girls who casually hookup with guys to complain about being single, or ask why guys are not asking them out on dates.

Get your act together, or you girls will continue to stare at that “single” status on Facebook.

Alex Perry is a Collegian columnist. He can be reached at [email protected]

80 Comments

80 Responses to “Bad romance”

  1. CleverTitania on March 22nd, 2010 2:29 am

    It’s kind of sad that you truly think the only people who want to engage in sexual behavior outside of a committed relationship are men, particularly when you’re talking specifically about college age women. In point of fact, it is this attitude that is causing the most problems for women, sexually, in this country today. Women who are pushed to believe they should only have sex when they are in love are being kept from fully exploring who they are and what they want, often dooming them to a life filled with unfulfilled sexual needs. We need to stop pretending sex is something to ‘gift’ men with, and acknowledge that sexual desire is as much a part of a woman’s physiological make-up as a man’s. Only then will we truly respect ourselves and get respect from our partners/society. And when we stop making sex a prize to attain for loyalty, marriages and relationships will be built on mutual respect and not promises of pleasures that may never come.

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  2. Umass Alum on March 22nd, 2010 7:01 am

    “…somewhere along the line during the past 20 years, men were apparently successful in creating a culture where the norm became hooking up with someone for a period of time and then, if you like the hookups, consider dating.”

    Mr. Perry: As a woman who was at Umass Amherst as an undergrad 20 years ago, I can assure you that “Hooking Up” is not a recent phenomenon. 20 years ago on campus we called it “scooping,” but the premise is the same…it was a ‘hook up’

    You are stating that the ‘hookup’ culture, as it were, was ‘created’ by men, but enabled by women, (“…because they engage in the behavior of hooking up casually, too. If girls want relationships over casual hookups, they simply shouldn’t enable guys to hookup with them without being committed…”) So, you posit that men have created this culture, however they are not responsible–boys will be boys, right? Rather, the women who are they themselves ‘hooking up’ should be the ones responsible for dismantling the very construct that you state was created by men.

    You offer the classic misogynistic approach: It’s OK for men to have casual sexual encounters, (because, heck, that’s what guys do–why buy the cow, blah blah blah…?) but women (I’m sorry, to use your vernacular, “GIRLS”) had better not follow suit, because that explains why they are unhappy (in your eyes). You are effectively arguing that men have marginalized women, and will continue to do so, unless women take responsibility not to “tempt” them.

    And this leaves you tossing and turning at night? Seriously? If you are indeed as concerned as your claim of recent sleep loss would indicate, perhaps you ought to see if you can’t get yourself enrolled in a Women’s Studies course for the fall semester. Maybe then you might learn more about the male-oriented social constructs women are forced to maneuver, or risk be pegged as “unhappy” or “dissatisfied” with what you effectively say is women’s own damn fault. Maybe then you wouldn’t make broad brush statements such as, [emphasis mine] “Girls have *enabled* men to hookup with them casually, no strings attached,” and “Girls should *start conducting themselves* like rational human beings.”

    Maybe then, you might not have such an obvious and deep seated disdain for women.

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  3. Peter on March 22nd, 2010 7:49 am

    Wow…just wow… I really hope this is satire because then it would be of pretty high caliber; otherwise there are couple issues. First your quick snipe at government progressivism neglects the glaring fact that you go to a state university which by it’s very nature is a highly progressive concept.

    Second, so your saying since guys are all horn-dogs and enjoying the consequences, it’s the fault of women for allowing hook-ups to become acceptable? Awesome way to present our gender; I’m not sure what’s worse, the idea that guys can’t stand up for what’s right or that women as “the fairer sex” are singularly to blame for allow our culture to dip so low. Putting women on a pedestal just so you can point fingers is not chivalrous, it’s just bad logic.

    Finally, please put away nostalgia for those purer years in America’s recent past. The 60’s and 70’s are probably more responsible for changing the sexual landscape then this decade will ever be noted for. Just be happy we tend to be more responsible these days with contraceptives.

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  4. Critic # 1 on March 22nd, 2010 8:18 am

    Show, don’t tell, Perry. Readers don’t like commands and even if you have a point, they won’t listen if you turn them into the bad guys. I agree with you that not all women “hook-up,” in fact I would be bold enough to say that its probably more prominent in under-classmen. Sure, there are a lot of dumb broads out there, but hey- there mistake is my pleasure.

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  5. Jon on March 22nd, 2010 11:37 am

    It is unfair to generalize all single sexually active collegiate women as the writer does here. Yes, sex without a relationship or “friends with benefits” arrangements will 99.9% of the time not lead to a long term relationship. However, there are many women who are perfectly aware of this and are fine with it. A male who says “I would like a serious relationship at some point, but while I am at college I just want to have fun” is applauded in our culture for being upfront and frank about his intentions, while a woman who engages in the same behavior is ridiculed as naive and skanky.

    The writer is undeniably correct that there are a significant number of women who really are that naive and think hookups will lead to serious relationships, or wonder why they don’t end up going the way they planned. Usually this proportion of the population ends up maturing on its own. And if they don’t, well it hits them like a ton of bricks when they’re 30 and single and unable to form serious relationships because they remain trapped into dating older male versions of themselves.

    Also as somebody who has watched every episode of SATC and the movie, I should clarify a common misconception of the show. None of the four main characters, despite their neuroses, ever seriously think that hookups lead to serious relationships. Ironically it is often the men on the show who are portrayed as having that mindset.

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  6. Anonymous on March 22nd, 2010 11:58 am

    Sounds like you need to get laid, man.

    I mean, I could comment with something clever and substanitive, but why not respond with the same sort of low-cal insight that this article presents? Besides, it’s obvious that you are just floating your personal frustrations on the campus.

    Is anyone out there listening? Willing to give this guy a date?

    hah, fat chance…

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  7. The Truth on March 22nd, 2010 1:04 pm

    Viiirgin!

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  8. Kevin on March 22nd, 2010 1:22 pm

    I see that the other comments already took care of my criticisms, but I just wanted to reiterate your point that most caught my attention.

    According to you, casual sex between a woman and a man is only the fault of the woman. Why is that? Because according to you “This “casual hookup” scenario is not a problem from a guy’s perspective”. Well, evidently it is based on your editorial that specifically calls is a problem.

    Relationships are the equal responsibility of both involved. Please don’t stereotype and blame half the worlds population for your perceived issue with modern sexuality.

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  9. Emily on March 22nd, 2010 2:05 pm

    The patriarchal society we live in reacted to feminism with a backlash- a backlash centered on the female identity. This constructed identity tells women they are as worthwhile as they are attractive to heterosexual men. As you noted, this is an identity constructed by men for women. Why is it, then, the burden of the female to deconstruct this identity and stop being “weak” enough to bend to the pressures of functioning in a societally approved manner? Isn’t it the creator’s job to dismantle his own construct rather than the victim?

    As a woman I’m quite glad that sex is more acceptable outside of relationships than it used to be. I enjoy sex for pleasure as much as any man, and have been the friend with benefits who was refusing the man’s untoward emotional advances. Your article misses that many men as well as women have sex for pleasure without desiring a relationship. Why do you imply that only women desire emotional intimacy and men just want to spread their seed? It’s a limited and untrue view of the human condition.

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  10. Dan on March 22nd, 2010 2:05 pm

    O Wise Male: Thank you so much for instructing the womenfolk on how to behave in proper society. How dare they behave in such a manner!

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  11. Chris Amorosi on March 22nd, 2010 6:26 pm

    Perry sure likes to remind his readers that he is talking about “casual hookups” or “casual hook-ups” or “casual hook ups.” I know what it’s like when a column runs short, too, Al.

    Let’s examine the crux of his argument:

    “But somewhere along the line during the past 20 years, men were apparently successful in creating a culture where the norm became hooking up with someone for a period of time and then, if you like the hookups, consider dating.”

    And yet…

    “I hate to single out girls for this issue, but they are the problem.”

    That’s like saying Alex Perry’s inability to think critically is both his parent’s fault for painting his crib with lead paint but it’s also his own fault for not overcoming the resulting brain damage.

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  12. Alex Perry on March 22nd, 2010 7:45 pm

    I have no “disdain for women.” i do however have a disdain for the culture i find myself living in and the action of many- not all- of the people around me.

    i don’t find fault just with women i also find fault with men for what is going on but it is what i said it is. Men aren’t suffering from it- I never hear guys complain about only hooking up with girls and not being in a relationship. never heard that once. i’ve heard girls that have hooked up with guys they aren’t in a relationship with complain about not having a boyfriend.

    that’s just the reality of it. it is a double standard. life isn’t fair.

    women see it as a problem and men do not. if some women do not see the dating culture disappearing as a problem then they probably aren’t the women complaining about not having a boyfriend and this column doesn’t pertain to them.

    but for those who do i gave my explanation of what i see as a problem.

    i’m not saying all guys do one thing and all girls do another thing- this is in general. people casually hooking up goes on, let’s not deny it. if you don’t have a problem with people having casual sex with one another then we just disagree. that’s fine.

    * Last thing- people saying this happened years ago too does not justify this behavior. to me, all it does is help explain why divorce rates are as high now as they have ever been. just because things go on in the mainstream does not make them right. i only used the example of past behavior to show how things have changed in general.

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  13. Rob on March 22nd, 2010 8:45 pm

    Any of the girls that are insulted by this… good! Don’t be like the girls he describes in this article so you have the right to be insulted and hopefully the trend will continue.

    I, however, agree with Perry. I, like everyone, have had a lot of friends and people you just talk to over the years and I’ve found exactly what he says. I’ve talked to an incredible amount of girls who act like they want respect and relationships but all they do is hook up with guys and question what’s going on.

    If a guy did the same, I would say the same thing to them. However, for the ton of people I’ve talked to, I’ve never found this. I’m not exaggerating, not once has a guy hoooked up with girls regularly and complained that they can’t find a stable relationship. Call it sexist, call it what you will, but when the view is supported by the actions, it slowly simply becomes the truth. So if you don’t like it, then don’t act that way. Start the trend so that I don’t view girls that act like that as morons.

    I’m glad this article is so straightforward and doesn’t try to make friends. That’s why I like Alex Perry’s columns, even if I don’t agree with some, because he doesn’t beat around the bush to avoid confrontation.

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  14. Lori on March 22nd, 2010 10:12 pm

    Mr. Perry: You refer to “our expert NCAA basketball bracket-picking president”. I am curious to know where you read or heard that President Obama is (excessively?) interested in sporting events. I have been following the news, but have not seen any reports to this effect.

    I found the rest of your article passably funny for an easy-target satire of the oblivious yet eternally self-important college-aged opinionist. Perhaps next time you could unravel a silly opinion more fully, rather than making the same basic statement over and over again with slightly different wordings. I feel that this would lend your parodies more “bite”.

    Also, I encourage you and your fellow Collegian writers to please copy-edit your pieces. One comma-splice and multiple instances of dubious grammatical construction constitute too many errors for a respectable piece of writing but too few for an effective parody.

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  15. Critic # 1 on March 22nd, 2010 10:35 pm

    boys rule; girls drool

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  16. Rachel on March 22nd, 2010 10:58 pm

    And what of the male identity? I realize that the guys you have talked to about in these situations of ‘hookups’ have told you that they enjoyed them. Yes, sex is a pleasurable activity. However, have you considered the fear that many men suffer from admitting that they did not enjoy the experience or have even been hurt or used by a girl?

    You state:
    “Men aren’t suffering from it- I never hear guys complain about only hooking up with girls and not being in a relationship…
    women see it as a problem and men do not”

    Now imagine the implications of a man in this society openly discussing his feelings of being taken advantage of by a woman. Women are not supposed to be able to hurt men. That would be castrating and take away their power. Have you ever herd of a man being raped by a woman? Probably not, however I am sure that it happens. Just as I am sure that there are men who suffer from what you so quickly start to chastise women for. Men do have problems with this and can be victims too. It goes both ways. I think you need to do a little more research before you start stating such things as facts.

    You argue that men are supposed to like sex. Casual sex, even better. College aged men are not supposed to want to have a relationship where they engage in emotional connections with a counterpart. What you have done is marginalized men into a category that not all of them fit into. What if there are men who do not enjoy this? What if there are men who do want to date these women, but are afraid to ask, or who are just being used for sex? There are probably many men who suffer from this, but because of guys like you who would most likely criticize them, they do not discuss it. You are engaging this the sexual repression of a man’s identity.

    You so boldly state that:
    “Why would a guy ask a girl he could casually hookup with on a date? What is the benefit of dating for a college-aged male in this situation? Getting to know her, too? I don’t think getting to know someone is high on a guy’s priority list on a Friday night. Casual hookups probably are, though.”

    You really sell your fellow man short in this one. It is clear that you do not see any worth in dating while you are in college nor getting to know any females. You probably just want to get drunk and hookup. That is fine, however I think that you should speak for yourself. You are not only doing a great disservice to women, but to men as well.

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  17. hilary on March 22nd, 2010 11:28 pm

    lori: this wasn’t a parody. a testament to how awful it is, no?

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  18. hilary on March 22nd, 2010 11:32 pm

    Chris Amorosi: WIN

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  19. Chris Amorosi on March 23rd, 2010 12:31 am

    Please take small children out of the room because I am about to graphically eviscerate Alex Perry live, unedited and uncensored.

    “i don’t find fault just with women i also find fault with men for what is going on but it is what i said it is. ”

    Liar. You said this first:

    “I hate to SINGLE OUT girls for this issue, but they are THE PROBLEM.”

    Emphasis MINE. Dishonesty YOURS.

    “women see it as a problem and men do not.”

    Liar. You obviously have a problem, Miss Alexandra Perry. The problem is no one will have sex with you. I encourage everyone to check out Alex Perry’s own Facebook relationship status. Since he will likely take it down out of embarrassment, I took a screenshot just to put it On The Record (w/ Greta Van Susteren tm):

    http://img443.imageshack.us/img443/7639/alexperrysingle.jpg

    Note the two people I neglected to crop. One is Sean Hannity, who says it’s ok to cheat on your wife if you were ever a POW (skip ahead to 2:50):

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3TywWtlK1hs

    The other is Newt Gingrich, who admitted to having an extramarital affair at the same time as he was trying to impeach President Clinton for lying about exactly the same thing.

    http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,258001,00.html

    Why are these philanderers among Alex Perry’s heroes? Because they’re brave enough to disregard morality, honesty, marriage vows and respect for women just to get laid. And someday, when Alex is older, he will have what it takes to be a true hypocrite.

    Chris Amorosi, former Collegian columnist

    PS: Hilary, I’m flattered. You interested in a hook up this Friday? What about a hook-up? Maybe a hookup, instead? 😉

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  20. Lauren on March 23rd, 2010 1:42 am

    This is outright sexist, so don’t say it’s not. I really don’t think I should have to point out why.

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  21. Ed Cutting on March 23rd, 2010 2:10 am

    Alex Perry is hott as hell.

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  22. Dave Coffey on March 23rd, 2010 4:34 am

    Wow, and I thought that *I* touched upon a sensitive subject when I wrote about the suicide pilot, but at least I didn’t have “The Truth” shouting irrelevant assumptions regarding my sex life.
    I hate to stir the gender-based-controversy pot even more, but none of the women on the page who commented on the page have any reason to bemoan this article. In fact, Perry states both in the article and in his comment that the audience he is addressing are females who a) sleep around frequently and b) also want (and complain about the fact that they don’t have) a committed relationship.
    In all honesty, it’s great to see a bunch of female citizens who feel free to express themselves both socially and sexually. As a society, that is a great step forward, and nowhere does Perry state that he’s against this. Once again, to reiterate a point that shouldn’t have to be made again, the only group he has a grievance with are females who a) frequently hook up casually and b) complain about not being able to find a stable relationship. To all the women who say they enjoy casual sex for enjoyment as much as most men do, I assume that you do so *without* complaining about a lack of a relationship, as most of you state and/or imply. Thus, *this entire article has nothing to do with you*. In fact, people with Perry’s mindset are probably pretty cool with you, because you *don’t* piss and moan and bitch and cry over something completely caused by your own actions, like the people who he’s actually complaining about.
    He never stated that he believes 100% of women do it, so stop treating it like he’s attacking womankind. All he’s suggesting is that there are *possibly* (HE’S A MAD MAN!) some females who (repetition is key here, folks) do two things: a) hook up casually b) complain about a lack of stable relationships, and he is dumbfounded as to why anybody, regardless of gender, would think that contradictory behavior to be logical in any way shape or form.
    This is an opinion piece, it’s not news, he never cited any official studies about how many women hook up and how many women want relationships, he merely cited anecdotal evidence because, once again, opinion piece, not a laboratory study.
    Assuming someone is misogynistic and sexist simply because he addresses *some* females is sexist in and of itself – unless of course the entirety of the female gender is perfect and should never ever be addressed in a negative light by a male counterpart. Oh, wait…
    Perry is addressing stupid people who happen to be female (since a female is an equal member of society, we can all admit that’s entirely as possible as a stupid man, right?); you should all do yourselves a favor and get over yourselves so you don’t get lumped into that category in the future.

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  23. Nina on March 23rd, 2010 11:44 am

    When first reading this article, I assumed the author was a woman because I did not think a man would be so audacious as to tell women to start “conducting themselves like rational human beings.” My mistake for assuming you were yourself intelligent and rational.

    It seems to me that men like you present more of a problem than the hookup culture itself. How can you argue for long term, healthy relationships when you so clearly do not respect women? That is not a relationship, but a master and servant. Also, please stop calling us all “girls.” I am a legal adult, and deserve to be treated as one.

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  24. meghan on March 23rd, 2010 12:43 pm

    hahah youre an ignorant ass who needs to get laid.

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  25. foreigner_guy on March 23rd, 2010 3:32 pm

    definitely author has some some wrong points like,

    1) girls have more fun when it comes to sex, than the guys

    2) Since the beginning of humanity, 1/4 th, 1/5th of women casually hooking up or at least trying, cause its an EVOLUTIONARY STABLE STRATEGY for mating purposes.

    BUT his conclusion is right, this is why people went crazy and attacking the author.

    Ladies, especially young ladies, this is not only me, nor Perry, Its the view of 90% of men out there and %75 of women there (numbers are roughly), cause its an EVOLUTIONARY STABLE STRATEGY.

    And if more than 25% of girls hooking up casually in a society, you better not to hookup, cause evolution will punish those.

    Now some women, no surprise who casually hooked up, going wild, crying, attacking author’s personality in a uncivilized manner.

    A typical low worth people act, dont attack the author, attack the view, thats what a civilized person would do.

    “Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.” -E Roosevelt

    This above saying coming from your culture, not mine, so true.

    Why they are attacking author? They know they had done mistake, and guys will go towards rather not them, so their best thing to do, saying “hookups” are ok, so if you do casual hookups, no longer it becomes stigmata.

    Well for me it does not matter if I casually hooked up or not, but if a girl casually hooked up with 10s of guys, I d not consider dating, nor 90% of the man regardless of religion, politic view, looking, its biological, genetics. Why? Cause you are increasing the chance of transmission of sickness.

    1) It causes in men a natural, unconscious disdain against such women.
    2) Also, who wants to marry a girl who hookuped 20 guys? Think about it, a guy should be very low self esteem or has no choice.
    None of the 20 guy wanted to marry but this guy wants to marry? Guys think logical.

    Read some evolutionary biology, before you convey your medias’ views.

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  26. Matt on March 23rd, 2010 5:15 pm

    “women see it as a problem and men do not. if some women do not see the dating culture disappearing as a problem then they probably aren’t the women complaining about not having a boyfriend and this column doesn’t pertain to them.”

    So basically you’re saying: to the women who are trying to use hooking up to get a relationship, you’re being kind of stupid.

    Now I can sort of get on board with that. If only that was the way your original article actually presented itself…

    To me, it sort of read like this: THIS is what women want, this is why they are stupid, men are assholes without feelings, lol sluts, etc, etc.

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  27. snap on March 23rd, 2010 5:22 pm

    It’s about time someone called out that nasty tv show “Sex and the City”! You know, that show that’s been off the air for 6 years now?

    Perry is obviously an idiot. I blame the Massachusetts Daily Collegian for giving him a platform. This is an embarrassment, and doesn’t deserve to be called journalism. Don’t publish any more of this ranting, misogynistic bullshit.

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  28. Fellmama on March 23rd, 2010 5:23 pm

    “Men aren’t suffering from it- I never hear guys complain about only hooking up with girls and not being in a relationship. never heard that once.”

    I’m guessing you’ve never heard that because if a guy admitted it in the presence of his peers his new nickname would be “Pussy McGayperson.”

    But the patriarchy doesn’t hurt men AT ALL.

    Also, I’m very amused by a college man earnestly lecturing his female peers on what they must do to earn his respect. I’m sure they’re devastated by your disdain. (Fyi, despite your denial above, it IS disdain and it shows.)

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  29. Nora on March 23rd, 2010 6:43 pm

    Thank god we have people like you who’s singular experience is exemplary of all 20-somethings across the nation. What a life you must’ve lived.

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  30. Chrissie on March 23rd, 2010 6:58 pm

    You say that men asking women to go on dates is no longer necessary because ‘hooking up’ is more socially acceptable. This infers that men only asked women to go on dates previously because they wanted sex.

    You say that this form of ‘dating’ was/is better than ‘hooking up.’
    It is more clear with ‘hooking up’ than with ‘dating’ that one/both parties just want sex, whereas with the ‘dating’, the woman is just being duped into copulating with the man because she believes that he asked her to go on a date with him because he wants a long term relationship… Which is what you claim is the problem with ‘hooking up.’

    It seems to me that the purpose of this article is to perpetuate the notion that men can have sex with who they like, but women can’t.

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  31. SAL9000 on March 23rd, 2010 7:00 pm

    so, let me get this straight. If you’re a girl with your eye on a boy:

    1. If he liked you enough to spend time with you, he wouldn’t hook up with you.

    2. If he liked you enough to pay attention to you, he’d be trying to hook up with you.

    THEREFORE: This is all your fault.

    Well, I’ve done enough logic to know that you can derive ANYTHING from a contradiction.

    COROLLARY: Alex Perry, grow up. And learn how to write a cogent argument.

    [Reply]

  32. Y on March 23rd, 2010 7:35 pm

    What a fascinating set of assumptions. This is the favorite “journalistic” trick of mine – projecting one’s own beliefs, feelings and frustrations onto a larger category of people as a lazy substitute for real research – ‘cus, duuh, that would take time and energy, which I’m sure the author expends primarily on fending off all the adoring women (ahem, girls) wooed by his keen insight and those adorable flashbacks to the good ol’ 1950s gender relations structure. Because it seems like that is the decade in which the author resides.

    Though I am only a girl and so can not claim to be as much of an expert where female desires and aspiration are concerned, but it may come as a surprise to you to learn that a great number of women out there enjoy sex (you may want to view the Kinsey reports – it’s cutting edge research!)

    Also, many women do not want relationships – perhaps most do want them eventually, but a whole range or preferences exists – want relationship now, want relationship one day but not now, want relationship now but not with this guy (but do want sex with this guy), want relationship now but with a specific guy, never want a relationship with a guy, not concerned with a relationship at all, etc.

    At the same time, a wide range of sexual goals exists as well – do not want sex, want sex but not with this guy, want sex but with only a specific guy, want sex under certain conditions, want sex one day but not now, want a lot of sex with a lot of people, want a lot of sex with one person.

    The preferences from column A and column B do not always coincide for women, just like they do not always coincide for men. A woman may want a relationship down the road, but sex now. She may want a relationship with a particular person, and if that is not happening for w.e. reason, she may want sex with anyone who is not that person. She may not want a relationship but want sex. Women are human beings. We have a range of desires, goals, and beliefs,and we do not all represent a slightly physically modified version of the same 1950s poster girl, with a turkey baster in one hand and her mandatory man-catching net in the other. And we don’t generally devote our college careers to finding a husband. Many of us devote it to having sex. (at least the freshman year, right?)

    As a side-note, also, I scorn any woman, or man, or any human being who believes in ensnaring a romantic partner by putting the condition of a relationship on sex.

    I understand those who only want to have sex when they are in a situation of serious commitment. But it seems like what this author is proposing is that those guys the girls are desperately trying to attract will only be in a relationship if obtaining sex is not possible otherwise.

    It makes me question, how long will this relationship, based on the guy asking a girl out bec. this is the only way he can “get what he wants on a Friday night” will last. Would I expect such a man, who is only asking to date me for the purpose of getting that abstract but suggestively emphasized “it” to be faithful to me if the “it” becomes suddenly available elsewhere? My friend, there is always enough “it” to go around, even if that has not been your experience. So even those girls (and boys) who are willing to trade genuine affection for sex-based commitment may find themselves disappointed.

    [Reply]

  33. Joe Man on March 23rd, 2010 7:35 pm

    lol Alex, you’re a noob. You don’t know shhhh about women.

    [Reply]

  34. Y on March 23rd, 2010 7:41 pm

    And as a response to all those (including the author) who are bemoaning the terrible contradiction of women wanting respect AND casual sex at the same time, there is no reason someone who has casual sex should not be respected. If they have casual sex while in a relationship with someone against that person’s wishes (cheating), then it is understandable,but otherwise I don’t see why someone who has casual sex should not be respected. If you, Rob, don’t respect a girl because she has sex with people she is not committed to until the end of time then that is your problem, not hers. And I have a feeling that your not wanting to date her is hardly her loss – why would she want a relationship with a guy who doesn’t understand or respect her?

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  35. Kyle on March 23rd, 2010 7:52 pm

    Wow. I’m actually a little pissed off that this article paints all dudes as morons who only think with their cocks. I’m pretty sure PEOPLE (meaning men AND WOMEN) should be respected regardless of how many people they hook up with. You have obviously not dated OR casually hooked up with many people. Do you really go to college?

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  36. Leighanne on March 23rd, 2010 7:55 pm

    How did this awfully written article make it onto the Daily Collegian? I think someone’s a little bitter they’re not getting ass on a Friday night

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  37. Lucie on March 23rd, 2010 8:00 pm

    Alex, your post is scatter-brained at best and paternalistic, sexist garbage at worst.

    You say that this post is about those girls in hook-up culture who complain about not having a boyfriend and it’s only meant to be directed at those women.

    Ok.

    Well, your “advice” to this particular group of girls seems pretty tangential considering that your thesis disparages hook-up culture across the board. So which is it?

    “What is the benefit of dating for a college-aged male in this situation? Getting to know her, too? I don’t think getting to know someone is high on a guy’s priority list on a Friday night.”

    Oh god. I am SO. FUCKING. SORRY. I guess I forgot that my mouth is moving semen depository. I guess I forgot that getting to know me is just a means to an end.

    Tell me true. If your very unflattering characterization of men (all men because, of course, YOU speak for all of them) is accurate, shouldn’t your all-mighty finger be pointing at them? You talk about how this hook-up culture is a root cause of increased divorce rates. So I guess you’d rather have more marriages, standing on a foundation of “listen to her babbling to you can get in her pants”.

    Um, yeah. I’ll take the hook-up culture. If men aren’t going to acknowledge my humanity anyway, I’d rather live in a culture where they’re honest about it.

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  38. Ralph Rockefeller Smythe on March 23rd, 2010 8:30 pm

    Don’t blame women for institutionalized misogyny, blame THE PATRIARCHY.

    Is you a college student or ain’t you?

    [Reply]

  39. Nikki on March 23rd, 2010 8:34 pm

    As a current female college student, let me tell you something.

    I am 20. I am single. I know exactly what I want to do with my Friday, Saturday, Sunday… well, every night. Hook-up. Casually. Now, I don’t hook up every night (a girl has got to do some homework!) or even most nights (and she has to maintain friendships) but I do hook-up. Sometimes it’s the same guy, sometimes it’s a guy I only kind of know.

    I don’t want a relationship. Nor do I want to live in a world where people see my sexuality as somehow detrimental to, I don’t know, the ability of other women, or even myself in the future, of being in a long term relationship.

    I have a lot of goals in my life. Loft goals, important goals, things I’ve been dreaming about my whole life. “Serious boyfriend” and “marriage” don’t make the cut. Not all of us obsess over our “single” status on facebook and have sex to get love.

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  40. L on March 23rd, 2010 8:34 pm

    OMG TOTES RIIIIGHT

    Because all women care about is snagging a man. God forbid a woman with a strong libido act on her interest in casual sex.

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  41. Sojo on March 23rd, 2010 9:02 pm

    So, um, I also call bullshit on hookups not leading to long-term relationships. 8 years ago I hooked up with a guy, it became regular after a while. We got more interested in one another. We fell in love. That was not my intention or his, I just wanted to get laid, but it happened. 2 years ago we got married. That initial hookup? One of the best things that ever happened to me.

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  42. J. Lee on March 23rd, 2010 9:23 pm

    I like sex. I’m a woman and I like sex. I’m in college as well and I don’t have time for a relationship. The longer term relationship I’ve been in we didn’t have sex because he didn’t want to. That’s right, HE didn’t want to. There are in fact men who are not looking for sex constantly. And there are women who are looking for sex. Not a relationship, sex.

    I know plenty of men and women like this, and of course men and women who are the opposite of that as well. But its because of thinking like this where its not okay for women to want sex and not a relationship. And if a man doesn’t want sex, well there MUST be something wrong with him. I have to wonder how much research you did put into this? Did you only ask your parents and two friends or something? Does the term “free love of the 1960s and 1970s” ring any bells?

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  43. just sayin on March 23rd, 2010 9:54 pm

    peter: you rule.

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  44. Cat on March 23rd, 2010 10:12 pm

    i also call bullshit on this WHOLE argument. not only have all my long-term relationships stemmed from a casual sex…it was they who asked me out. my high school bf, after a couple weeks of having sex, asked me out and we dated for 6 months. my first college boyfriend asked me out after hooking-up with him, and we dated for 9 months. my current boyfriend of 2 years asked me out after having casual sex. so yeah. and they all said ‘i love you’ first.

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  45. peenerbambina on March 25th, 2010 4:17 pm

    Bless your heart poppet. Tell you what, you go find yourself a nice chaste girl to play hopscotch with. Leave the hooking up to the big lads and lassies. Incidentally, who did you pay to get into university? i always thought you have to show considered critical thought which this article seems to be lacking, thats the only reason I ask.

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  46. mack on March 25th, 2010 7:16 pm

    If you’re going to have conservative sexual politics, you should do so in a manner that isn’t so disrespectful to your own sex.

    Many boys have also been tricked into believing that dating is dead! These poor boys go out, hook up, buy a woman a drink,hang out in womanly places like shoe stores and ice cream parlors, yet they just can’t seem to find the right lady. They want to date too! To assume that every boy is a sex-hungry animal is degrading! Women just don’t respect boys that act like that, and if this is how you portray boys, then women will never respect your sex! Don’t do this to yourself, kid.

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  47. lynet on March 25th, 2010 7:21 pm

    Let me just join the chorus here. I’m a woman. I’ve had casual sex. I wasn’t looking for a relationship when I did: I was looking for sex. Like several others, I take umbrage at comments here which imply that a woman who wants ‘respect’ shouldn’t have casual sex.

    I’m also amused by the author’s various statements to the effect that “[t]his “casual hookup” scenario is not a problem from a guy’s perspective” … because guys, apparently, never want a relationship. Um, no, sometimes they do. That’s why I always try to make it clear with a guy what I’m looking for: because there have been situations in the past where some guy has wanted more than me, and I wouldn’t want to raise false expectations.

    This whole column is completely off base.

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  48. convexed on March 25th, 2010 11:37 pm

    Dave Coffey,
    You seem to forget that this mean-spirited and shit-brained advice column is public. It may be an ‘open letter’ to women who ‘piss and moan and bitch’, but the fact is, open letters get to deal with something called ‘open response’. Even if I (or any particular female) is not who A.Perry had in mind as target audience, I have as much right to call out bullshit as he does to puke it out of his whiny mouth. Females are not all idiots, naive, slutty, and moping for marriage. But, to imply that many of us are (enough of us to be ‘singled out’ (collectively, haha) as ‘FEMALES’ suggests this moral crisis is so widespread that it merits gross and watery generalization for the sake of rhetorical simplicity. Maybe you never feel like you need to stand up for your friends or fellow students, but don’t extrapolate that very far. I don’t have to be the personal target of blunt idiocy to feel offended on behalf of the women I know and care about. But let’s say I buy your argument. I shouldn’t be upset because he’s not talking about me. I’m not involved. Well, you didn’t write the article, so why are you defending him? You’re not involved. Oh, except presumably as one of those charming young darlings who plug their ears before hitting the town so they don’t run the risk of hearing anything their potential hook-ups say on the way to the back of the car. Wouldn’t want to accidently get to know someone you’ve already decided not to respect, right?
    And sorry, I didn’t know about the 100% loophole. How would you do the math? Even if A. Perry only thinks he’s referring to 23.8% of womenkind, smearing 1/4 of a population into one reductive category is hateful and denigrating, because it refuses to recognize the differences, dimensions, and value of a significant portion of HALF THE POPULATION.
    Let me continue the trend of doling out advice: If you take up a public forum with uninformed spiteful speech, you can and should expect to be held accountable. Because we all get to respond to the world around us and the people in it. Not just you guys. But, you started it here.

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  49. convexed on March 25th, 2010 11:39 pm

    Clarification:
    1/4 of the *female* population (or any percent of any given population, group, demographic that is claimed or assigned)

    1/2 of the *general* population

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  50. Ed on March 26th, 2010 5:03 am

    Folks, google the word “Oxytocin.”

    And I like to think that we all have enough knowledge of human anatomy to understand that men don’t have vaginal muscles.

    OK?

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  51. mack on March 26th, 2010 9:56 am

    Folks, google the word “neuroscience”

    And I like to think we all have enough knowledge of human anatomy to understand that hormones are more complex than what the opening paragraph of a wikipedia article has to say about them.

    or,

    I guess we can chalk Mr. Perry’s attitude up to his wily male hormones. The testosterone! THE RAGE! Ladies, ease up on those misogynists! They can’t help it. They’re at the mercy of their biological fate.

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  52. muad'dib on March 26th, 2010 11:18 am

    The *really* hilarious thing is that today’s so-called rampant “hook-up culture” is actually prudish and repressed compared to the ’60s and ’70s, when “Free Love” meant walking up to someone and asking them, “Hey, wanna do it?”.

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  53. hannah on March 26th, 2010 2:55 pm

    Dear Alex,

    This article lacks style, with regards to your writing as well as your views on men, women and how they ought to relate to each other. Because, this might be news to you, there is no ‘ought to’.

    I am one of the women who don’t do ‘hooking up’. I’m just not into it. But neither am I into your line of reasoning. Where can I start?

    a) ‘Respect’ and ‘sex’ are not mutually exclusive. If you don’t have the one, you’re unlikely to get the other. (You may want to write that down for future reference.) Women are not responsible for what you think of them. It’s you who does the thinking. Hopefully.
    b) Just because some women do not want casual sex, it does not follow that all women ought to stop having some. This, however, is what your article implies. It is your responsibility to set out the terms on which you are relating to another person. See it as a contract: If you want sex but no relationship, speak up. If your and your partner’s terms disagree, get out.
    c) You’re doing men a disservice. You’re implying they are shallow, sex-driven, unethical creatures whose sexuality has be reigned in in order not to cause irreparable damage. You’re doing women a disservice. You’re placing the onus on us. So not only are we responsible for our own sexuality, we’re responsible for yours as well?

    Dear Alex, your logic is flawed. My brilliant fellow commenters have pointed that out at length. I hope you know why.

    However, if living in a ‘casual hook-up culture’ on American campuses and if you see the morals of your country going to the dogs (and thus your prospects of dating some inexperienced lady), you’re invited to swap universities with me. It might not be as prestigious, but at least here in Europe, we don’t do such things as ‘hook up’. We just have casual sex.

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  54. hannah on March 26th, 2010 2:59 pm

    Argh. The thinkfasterthanyoutype-monster has eaten my words! Of course, I meant to say: “However, if living in a ‘casual hook-up culture’ on American campuses causes you sleepless nightsand if you see the morals of your country going to the dogs…”

    [Reply]

  55. convexed on March 26th, 2010 4:45 pm

    Ok, Ed, but women also come equipped with intelligence, reason, and the capacity for self-determination. It’s convenient for men to claim to be ‘slaves to hormones’, or a biological imperative to ‘spread the seed’. It’s convenient because it evades the questions of interacting responsibly and considerately with other people. However, studies do not support that the presence of either oxytocin or vaginal muscles overwhelms a woman’s capacity to make informed decisions and accept their outcomes. Make excuses for yourself if you must, but don’t make assumptions about others.
    One reason oxytocin is so associated with women (though levels are raised in men during sexual arousal as well) is because many studies concerning sexual response/arousal intend to clarify the way we understand female sexuality, which is widely misunderstood and dismissed (need proof? read this post and its comments). The comparative lack of numbers/data regarding men and oxytocin is a result of lack of pursuit of this numbers and data. Without further study, it’s unreasonable to extrapolate an entire theory of female sexuality based on the words ‘oxytocin’ and ‘vaginal muscles’. All you’ve proved is that you are not interested in a conversation. You and some others on this board are interested in perpetuated uninforme and irresponsible views, and are getting pissy about being challenged.
    Really, if you think complex questions about human behavior can be answered by smacking a ruler at an anatomy chart, you are truly old-school stupid.
    Women are more than vaginas and sniffly hormones. Human sexuality is more complicated than hormones and ice cream parlors. Sorry if that’s bad news, Ed and others.

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  56. Kate on March 31st, 2010 1:31 am

    Having read through all of these comments I have noticed that there is one group, which is in fact being tageted, that has not said anything.

    Allow me to give you my individual perspective as a woman being targeted by this article:

    I’m 20 years old, single, and I engage in casual sex. Oh, and I want a boyfriend.

    Congrats to those women who want a strong career, who have their dreams that are seperate from men. I think that’s wonderful and sometimes I’ve wished I was one of them. But I am not. My life goal? Get married. Have babies. Live off of my husband. I want to live on a vineyard in France or Italy. Multiple vacation homes, a yacht, an island. Ohh yes… I’m one of THOSE women -sorry, girls.

    I’m one of those “girls” who has casual hook ups and then whines and complains about my lack of a relationship.

    Here’s the thing, as Y pointed out earlier, I like sex and I want a relationship, but they don’t always have to connect. You see, if I casually hook up on a Friday, I don’t expect him to call me next Friday and ask for a date. If he calls again, I’m expecting it to be a “booty call.” And I happen to be perfectly fine with that. As a matter of fact if I text a guy on a Thursday, Friday, or Saturday night it is absolutely because I am horny and he is an option that I’m considering, not that I want to hook up with him in order to emotionally connect and develop a relationship.

    I love sex. I love hook ups. I love men. Those are the facts of my life.

    I go to parties looking for a hook up, not a relationship. I don’t expect to find my soulmate while waiting in line to do a keg stand. I don’t expect to meet that filthy rich, charming, driven, drop dead gorgeous, sensitive man-I-will-marry while slapping the bag. No. I expect to find someone I’m attracted to who will “get me off.” Because I am extremely horny all the time. And to be honest I haven’t once thought that I would want to date the men I’ve hooked up with. I’ve thought they were nice, I’ve thought they were cool, I’ve thought that I would love to hang out with them again. But never have I stopped and considered one as someone I want to be with.

    But I also want a boyfriend and lament that I haven’t connected with anyone. Women know that there are other places to look, and I do look in other places. Actually the best advice is to stop looking, and it does work well for me, but alas I am in a panick and can’t stop myself from looking. So I will continue to cry abount the lack of decent men. Just realize it has nothing to do with the men I’m hooking up with casually. Because to be honest, I’m just using those guys to get off until I find the man I want to settle down with. Just like they’re using me for the same thing: sex. And that is perfectly fine in my book. It doesn’t mean that men don’t respect me or that I don’t respect men. I do respect them otherwise I wouldn’t hook up with them. There has to be attraction, physical chemistry for me, and respect plays into that. It just means we have common needs that need to be satiated.

    So yes, I am single, experienced in the casual hook up, and whine about not having a boyfriend, as do many of my friends. However it is not my fault that I haven’t met anyone yet. I just haven’t met the right person for me. There have been no men thus far in the year that I have been interested in as more than something casual. Three of my best friends met their current long term boyfriends by way of casual hook ups. But I don’t expect it to happen to me. I’m always surprised when a guy that I’ve hooked up with texts me for lunch or dinner. It’s a pleasant surprise, of course, but to be honest it always throws me off a little. Actually, to be honest it scares me off a bit.

    Also, I do have male friends who do engage in casual sex and then wonder why the girls aren’t interested in more. I was hooking up with a guy last semester who wanted to get more serious but I turned him down. Males experience the same problems as women, it’s just less known because there is this pressure in society to maintain that emotional distance from women.

    I’m not sure what that says about our society today, but I don’t see the casual hook up and lamenting singlehood as a huge problem. It is absolutely true that some women think sex will lead to relationships. But I feel as though the majority of women who are single and want boyfriends engage in casual hook ups because… they’re horny. And sex feels amazing. Why should we suffer through our droughts when, as you’ve said, “men were apparently successful in creating a culture where the norm became hooking up with someone.”

    Thanks for the advice on cleaning up our act and to stop being sluts. I’m sure some girls somewhere will appreciate it. But I’ll be keeping my slut card in my wallet and having some fun while I wait for the “right one.” What is life without pleasure?

    p.s. it is a bit sexist to say that women are not respected for sleeping around while it is perfectly fine for men to do so. Sex is sex is sex. If you don’t like women with large numbers I expect your number to be small as well. Sexual prowess shouldn’t play into respect, if it does you are shallow. How a person treats those he’s with, sexually in this discussion but in general as well, should help dtermine respect levels.

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  57. gh on March 31st, 2010 10:34 pm

    wow alex, you’re an ignorant pig who clearly likes stirring up some drama and sadly i’m feeding right into it. to blame females for this “hook-up epidemic” is one of the most absurd arguments i have ever heard. funny thing, i was never looking for a serious relationship when i casually hooked up with guys in my past… i simply did it for pleasure and fun. many of the guys i thought i was just having fun with would ask me out on serious dates. over two years ago i started to casually hook up with a guy and we ended up liking each other and we are still together to this day as official boyfriend and girlfriend. most people i know who have boyfriends started their relationship by hooking up casually. just because a girl has sex with a guy doesn’t mean he won’t respect her.

    pretty much what i’m trying to say is that you sound like a miserable, sexist idiot and deserve a slap across the face.

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  58. ArthasDK on April 2nd, 2010 7:16 pm

    Hmm well I am curious as to why my original comment posted on 3/25 was never posted. It seems that the overwhelming majority of comments posted on here simply trash the author’s opinion or denounce his opinion. I posted a thoughtful comment that agreed with his point of view and my comment was never published. I’m not sure if this should attributed to the editors simply being busy (though comments posted after 3/25 have been added), or the fact that my viewpoint is contrary to what is popular.

    [Reply]

    Matt Rocheleau Reply:

    ArthasDK,

    Please see the e-mail we sent to the address you gave when posting the comment.

    There were only three or so short, one-sentence comments on this article that were not approved because they did not adhere to our comment policy. None of those comments were authored with the same user name and/or e-mail address, so we would imagine there was some sort of technical glitch that did not allow the comment to get through. We apologize for whatever the problem was and for the inconvenience, but we encourage you to resubmit your comment.

    Thanks,
    -Matt Rocheleau
    Managing Editor

    [Reply]

  59. ArthasDK on April 2nd, 2010 9:29 pm

    This article summarizes exactly how I feel. The author did not suggest that ALL women ONLY want to get married or be in serious relationships, he just noticed that the women complaining about being single – the ones who say they want a ‘serious’ relationship -tend to be the ones who are so desperate for attention that they will lower their standards and participate in one night stands or FWB relationships in the hopes that it will turn into something more.

    I am a young woman, just graduated college, and I will tell you that I have witnessed this kind of behavior from many of my female peers, both those in college and those who were not. This behavior transcends geographical region, race, backgrounds, and educational levels.

    This author is correct: if you want to be in a serious relationship, don’t engage in behaviors that are inconsistent with your claim and that will turn potential partners off from dating you. I personally think that promiscuity is the #1 turn off and its NEVER cute, whether you are a man or a woman. Honestly, if you are sleeping around or have a FWB then meet a potential partner, he is not going to think of you as someone he can build a life with.

    If you like doing the casual sex thing and don’t want a relationship, then good for you – this article is irrelevant, but don’t get mad at the author for speaking his mind, and pointing out a trend he has witnessed. I have always found that the individuals who claim that they are “progressive” or “liberal” and proclaim to be are accepting or tolerant of other’s viewpoints are in fact the ones who are the most closed-minded, and won’t even listen to opinions from the other side. THAT, and their assumption that everyone else must accept their lifestyle choices is the biggest problem with society today.

    Bottom line is this: it’s all about personal choice, but make sure that you are not making poor choices that set you up for failure and ALWAYS be smart about what you are doing, whether its casual sex or sex within a committed relationship.

    [Reply]

  60. Jack K on April 2nd, 2010 9:56 pm

    Dude,

    There are two obvious flaws about publishing this:

    (1) It’s ignorant as all shit.

    (2) It is poorly written.

    Editors of Collegian, I KNOW that you are more intelligent than publishing this trash. You want controversy, you want to publish opinions that might incite the liberal mindset on the campus, you want reaction. Blah blah blah. I get it. The Fox News et. al. model has seeped into the very nature of the quality of your publication.

    But publishing a blatantly sexist column is moving the discourse in the wrong direction. Let’s examine a single claim from this cluster-fuck of barely articulate sentences to examine the inanity of the piece: “I hate to single out girls for this issue, but they are the problem.”

    My visceral reaction to this is, dude, fuck you.

    I think that argument is on about the same level as the article, but as we are trying to transcend the logic within which this piece was written, I’ll have to bear the burden of being articulate:

    (1) You haven’t identified a problem. You have reiterated conservative propaganda repackaged as an opinion in attempts for immunity against your argument. Too bad – you’re not immune. Your argument, which I endeavored to find, which is weak, which gives me indigestion, seems to be this:

    (claim) a). Many women in college (you use the word “girls,” sexist language) have casual sex.
    (claim) b) Many women in college want a steady relationship.
    c) But because of (a), men don’t respect women.
    Therefore,
    d) Women will not achieve (b) because of their own actions.

    Let’s deconstruct that. Neither of your claims are substantial. Your generalizations don’t really tell us anything. An utterance such as “Most men where pajamas” doesn’t really mean anything – we can surmise that some men where pajamas, and some don’t, but without quantitative research, we won’t really know. You’re holding a pile of sand and telling us it is clay.

    But that’s not the issue. Let’s grant (a) and (b), though as they are coming from a man, whose epistemological perspective, especially in this instance, can’t justify claims made about women’s desires, lacks any sort of objective interpretation of social reality.

    The issue is claim (c). The logic of this claim resides in systems of power that have ruled Western civilization until very recently. The claim reflects phallocentric logic: women are supposed to fit into a mold of sexual respectability that in order to please men; anything but a tamed sexual nature is deviant from the phallocentric mold; deviating from the mold therefore challenges man’s dominant power. I argue that your claim (c) is merely a rehashed piece of propaganda of some pre-modern sensibility that argues prima facie for the superiority of men. We’re WAY past that, and WAY past delimiting women and women’s sexuality to some Other realm.

    It’s also a logical fallacy – don’t you dare say that ALL men don’t respect women; just because you’re a sexist doesn’t mean the rest of us are.

    (2) You contradict your conclusion (your conclusion being “Women are the problem surrounding the hook up culture). You write, earlier in the article, “But somewhere along the line during the past 20 years, MEN were apparently successful in creating a culture where the norm became hooking up with someone for a period of time and then, if you like the hookups, consider dating.” That points, directly, at men as the problem of your grievance (your grievance being our hook-up culture); you say they are the originators of the culture. It’s right there, in your article! YOU wrote that! Do you understand? It means the rest of your article was a piece of sexist flare attached to a bumbling and confused contradictory beginning.

    To the Editors: please, for God’s sake, stop publishing all this Goddamn bullshit, form reflecting content (to be explicit: shit reflecting shit), and give me something good to read.

    –Jack

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  61. Not Impressed on April 6th, 2010 1:27 pm

    If it weren’t absolutely clear that the author of this article is a complete moron, I might be offended. How about we talk about how men make women think they are interested in a relationship, use them for sex, and then run in the other direction as soon as the word “commitment” is brought up? Wait, is that offensive? Sorry, I thought we were playing the “make broad, ignorant statements about all members of one sex” game.

    So Alex Perry, what’s your real problem? I think you might be a bit insecure because you’re not as comfortable with your sexuality as the “sluts” you’re pointing fingers at. Oh, and writing an article in the Collegian that calls out all sexually liberated women because you can’t get laid isn’t going to alleviate that problem. Maybe you should think about what your end goal is before you alienate women entirely with your misguided, judgemental words. I hope every woman you ever try to date from now on Googles your name and finds this article, then never returns your phone calls after that.

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  62. The Detective in the Mirror on April 8th, 2010 2:49 am

    Maybe it would be wise for some of those arguing against this man to reflect on themselves, assuming that sexism is conservatism and other stereotypical practices. I know if given the same conditions as men had back in the day over women they would be equally oppressive, so get off your high horses.

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  63. cdj on April 8th, 2010 1:42 pm

    When I was a single female, one who does not participate in casual hook-ups, I had difficulty finding a decent man to be in a committed relationship with, not because I was participating in casual hook-ups and men didn’t respect me, but because that’s what a lot of men were looking for. Don’t get me wrong, if that’s what men want, they should go for it, albeit respectfully. However, women should have the same right and respect when they also choose to go out and have casual sex if they so choose. This article seems to assume that all women having casual sex are lowering their standards or are desperate, when it seems to me that a lot of women who participate in casual sex seem to simply enjoy sex and enjoy it with people who they do not necessarily find attractive for relationships. To assume that this “hook-up culture” rests squarely on the shoulders of women and is not the fault of both parties is preposterous. It seems that this article assumes that men can not help their sexual appetite. I will agree, perhaps humans can not control HAVING a sexual appetite, however every natural instinct can be controlled, anorexia is a horrible example of that. I find this article insulting to men as well by assuming that all men are only motivated by sexual pleasure. The casual sex culture is completely separate from committed relationships. Going by your assumption (which I do not agree with) that all men are motivated solely by physical gratification, then if women stopped having casual sex, men would only be motivated to be in relationships in order to gain physical pleasure. These are not the kind of committed relationships many people would want anyway.
    Also, I find it ironic that you named this article after a song by a very sexually liberated woman while you seem to be against them.

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  64. michelle on April 8th, 2010 4:26 pm

    eh i blame society for creating this idea that “if you just try hard enough and stick with it long enough, that guy you’re screwing will eventually fall for you”. as a woman who enjoys hooking up for the sake of hooking up, i’m annoyed by all these women who’ve been duped into thinking f*cking equals a relationship. i’ve been seeing a guy for a couple months, and we’ve both been clear about what we wanted out of the relationship from the get go. i didn’t have some secret agenda to lure him in to dating me, and our relationship is much more fulfilling because i know he cares about me and not just getting laid

    just my two cents

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  65. Janet on April 9th, 2010 10:41 pm

    this is shameful. i’m not a umass alum and don’t have strong opinions on the school, but this reflects very, very poorly — not because it’s something that i disagree with (although lord knows that’s true) but because it’s simply uninformed and not good journalism. embarrassing.

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  66. Brandon on April 10th, 2010 2:39 pm

    Janet, I do attend UMass and I do not have a very strong opinion about the school, but I would certainly appreciate a sincere effort to refrain lumping the University into a category from an article expressing the opinion of a small minority. Conservatives exist at every level of education and at any university.

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  67. JK on April 12th, 2010 9:06 pm

    I don’t see why anyone should have a problem with this article. I am a woman, and I am not offended whatsoever.

    If you have a problem with what Alex is saying, you are completely disregarding the population of people in which he is speaking about and to. Alex is directing this article towards ONE group of people, not the entire population of females. This group of people is the women who think they can hook-up their way into a guy’s heart. He is simply stating that this is NOT the way to do it, and it is unfortunate that that some girls just don’t get it.

    If your a woman and like to have casual sex, then good for you. This article is of no interest to you, because it does not apply to you. You women who talk about going to parties and texting guys because you are “horny and want to hookup” are the reason why girls with morals and self-respect are viewed as being prude. As a woman who has never had sex out of a relationship, I have been called a tease, prude, etc. It is unfortunate that having sex with someone that you have just met or have been talking to for a short amount of time has become so accepted, and expected, that not sleeping around is viewed as out-of-the-norm. Your prince charming isn’t going to give you a second look when he finds out all you want is dick when you get drunk of a Friday night. I am pretty sure that any male that has commented on this article would say that they would be much more interested in dating a girl who has sex with 2 men over 20.
    Therefore, don’t bother commenting on this article saying you causally hook-up all the time and have no problem with it. Good for you. This is for the ones who hook-up and are still having problems.

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  68. muffinman on April 13th, 2010 9:42 am

    Whad up patriarchy? :-/

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  69. wtf on April 13th, 2010 6:25 pm

    I am a woman who, like others, has participated in many casual hook-ups but am still looking for a relationship. Just because I hook-up with someone does not mean I want to date them–usually that is not true at all.
    I was recently in a “FWB” relationship and was fine with how everything was going and did not desire a relationship with this person at all. The only problem I had was when he started talking to me every day and acting like we we something more than “FWB.” This was misleading and confusing and left me hurt in the end when he went stopped “caring.” Basically, YOU CAN’T HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO. If a guy is going to use a girl for sex, he should not try and have the benefit of having a relationship with her too and then claim there was no “commitment” when he gets bored. If guys were always respectful and honest with girls, this would not be a problem. Just because I don’t want a relationship, doesn’t mean I don’t want respect. End of story.

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  70. Brandon on April 15th, 2010 7:09 pm

    “If guys were always respectful and honest with girls, this would not be a problem. ”

    It applies both ways.

    ” Just because I don’t want a relationship, doesn’t mean I don’t want respect.”

    If you want respect, I suggest you seek refuge outside of casual hook-ups where it is often the male’s primary interest to get laid and hence is much more interested in viewing you as an object of desire rather than a future businesswoman, doctor, or an organism that possesses emotions and feelings.

    A FWB can be a more complicated example, on the otherhand, and it’s difficult to argue a case without being clouded by hurt emotions. Perhaps, in the example of your recent FWB, the male was put off by your conservative behavior in regard to expressing feelings or emotions. And perhaps when there was a spark of interest, it came too little too late; the guy had already moved on. It’s difficult to argue whether or not he respected you, but if he displayed feelings for you, perhaps to him it was a bit more fueled by an interest in you and not the sex.

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  71. anne on April 17th, 2010 1:27 am

    Alex,
    while i understand your points i think it is unfair to blame women completely. Women are not the only ones saying yes to random “hook ups” Guys say yes to it too. What happened to the Gentlemen that used to live in the world? As much as women need to control themselves and make wise choices, so do men. Sex takes two people and therefore it must be blamed on both of the genders for its corruption. While women have to stop giving in to hook ups, guys should stop expecting it and stop trying to have casual hook ups. I know very few girls that go out on the weekends, or any night for that matter looking for a hook up. But I do know many guys that go out looking for just that! So it can’t be blamed on just women. Both men and women need to take responsibility!

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  72. Ken Burns on April 17th, 2010 9:07 am

    i definitely blame females; they scoot around town with their big butts overflowing from black tights and a sour countenance that says, “hey, look at me: I’m just that confident you like my fat ass.” Its truly unfortunate that female independence is characterized with such polarity in either one of the following ways:
    a.) being an arrogant and lifeless broad strutting around with oversized bag, sunglasses, ipod and ass.

    b.) engaging in that other gross indulgence of vanity which I like to call “Rag-Doll Lesbianism.”

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  73. wtf on April 18th, 2010 6:35 pm

    Brandon–

    Respect for human dignity should not have conditions attached to it. Everyone deserves it, all the time, and I don’t think there is any excuse not to treat another person this way. It is the very least that a person deserves.

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  74. Dan on April 21st, 2010 11:04 pm

    I have just one question:

    Who said there was anything “progressive” about hookups?

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  75. Dan on April 21st, 2010 11:24 pm

    Also, let me see if I can summarize the “logic” of this column:

    “Men are just naturally interested in sex and sex alone, so it’s up to women to lure them into a relationship. If there are not enough relationships in the world, that must be women’s fault, because women are responsible for making relationships happen – men just want to fuck, and they should not be expected to look for commitment of their own accord. Therefore, women must make themselves pleasing to men.”

    Congrats, Alex, you’ve managed to degrade BOTH genders in one single poorly-written essay.

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  76. sally on April 28th, 2010 2:11 am

    Alex, you are in fact, the most unintelligent published university columnist i have ever heard. I am embarrassed to share the same campus as you. I regard this in not only this article, but many more including your 4/20 article this Spring 2010.

    You lack any sort of journalistic style. You lack ethics or common sense. It is important for you to not take out your own biterness regarding your personal life in your columns. Be a professional. Act as a journalist.

    You embarrass the University of Massachusetts and the majority of students attending. It is a false generalization to place the blame on all of female society in this scenario. For one, you might simply be looking around your immediate environment to make this call on all of university life and female behavior. In your argument, you overlook completely the blame on outlets that share the same qualities as your own. The media. You are a journalism student, are you not? If anything, you work for the Daily Collegian – and have a responsibility to regard journalistic ethics, accuracy, adequate research. You attend UMass Amherst, do you not? Have you not studied the media? Understanding its effects? You have obviously watched True Life on MTV, as your shallow, un-researched, completely self-interested and oblivious article tells. Have you seen the Jersey Shore? Real World? Real Word Road Rules Challenge? The Bachelor and its Fantasy Suite finale? Rock of Love? Every single movie with a sex scene? Mr. and Mrs. Smith and the genre of sexual violence?

    BUT, mind you, it’s our fault. Us Women. Part of me considered posting my name marauding as a male, simply to sell my point effectively. I realized how much more I would be listened to and taken into consideration if I was a Mike or a Frank. However, I realized the norm I’d be conforming to, the acceptance that your pathetic propaganda sells. At least learn to write in a way that persuades. Because this article is nothing more than a joke.

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  77. Brian on April 29th, 2010 12:14 pm

    men that are “decent” do not want a relationship with someone who has had multiple “hookups” inthe past

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  78. Gavin Beeker on October 15th, 2010 10:59 am

    Dear Kate,

    Your post was fantastic. I think THAT should be the editorial on contemporary sexual norms. If anything, Mr. Perry’s post highlights the unfortunate stereotype of all men as sex machines. While that may be true of a certain segment, as usual, the truth is somewhat more complex, and much more interesting. But good for Mr. Perry for at least bringing it up; I’m really enjoying the debate in the comments section.

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  79. Amanda on October 28th, 2010 4:38 pm

    I am sooooo writing an letter to the editor concerning this article. Quick to blame girls (and by girls you must means women… or maybe not because you come off as a chauvinist pig in this article)… Has it ever occured to you that women want to have sex with no strings attached? Or God forbid, maybe guys whine about not being in a relationship too. My friend posted this article on facebook saying, “This guy needs to get laid.” I think you need a bitch slap of reality and get off that high horse you rode into Umass on.

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