Are you bored? Tired of what life currently has to offer? Have you thought about taking up a hobby, but none of them sound interesting? Are the sports too competitive for you to want to start now? Is life getting too tough and you feel that the walls are closing in on you, and that you are trapped and there is no escape? If you answered yes to all these questions then your days of being down are over. With the invention of a new game, life will become fun and fresh once again.
The new game I am talking about dates back from the olden days where stalking a stranger was fun and enjoyable for both parties. Stalking dates back to the Aborigines in the early 14th century. The Aborigines enjoyed the fun and excitement of being and actively talking themselves. That is why I have decided to bring that joy of non-violent stalking fun to you and your family for generations to come.
The name of the game is Supermarket Stalker (Hypermarket Stalker for you Europeans). It is a new game I have personally adapted from the Aborigines and converted it into a fun, exciting game of skill and speed. The rules are simple. As many people as you like can play at once, but too many people may increase the difficulty of a perfect stalk. All stalking begins and ENDS at the grocery store. As you enter the grocery store, all players must choose a victim. They must then follow the victim around the store, and be at no times less than 12 feet away from the victim. As a stalker, you are required to possess the same shopping container that your victim chooses, either basket or shopping cart. If the victim has an infant and has to use a shopping cart with an infant holder, so must the player. Your goal is to fill your shopping cart with the exact same items as your victim by following them around the store and placing the items within eight seconds after the victim chooses it. Every item you pick is worth one point. If you and your partner have a successful talk and you have more than your partner, you win.
Getting points in this game is not the hard part. It is keeping them. If your victim glances back at you, two points are lost each sighting. If the victim makes direct reciprocating eye contact with you, that is a loss of 10 points. If you fail to pick up an item in time, lose two points per item. If you are not within 12 feet of the victim, lose five points. If the victim notices you are following them you automatically are out of the round with your current score. However, the opponent player may continue scoring. If the victim decides not to contact you, but a store employee, you have a chance to win the game here. When a victim contacts a store employee, and it’s believed to be about their suspicion of you, you must find another employee and make a similar complaint about the victim. If the store employee finds the victim to be correct, you are allowed only to keep your current score at the time, while your opponent may continue scoring. However, if you manage somehow to get the employee to side with you against the victim, then you must forfeit playing for this round, but due to excellent persuasive skills, you will be awarded 50 additional points. So, if your opponent was up by ten points before, and completes the game with only 20 more points, you still win.
By request of the National Supermarket Stalker Association (N.S.S.A.), I have published the following list of additional rules and fouls for official matches.
1. Leaving the supermarket is an offside and results in forfeiture and a score of zero.
2. Dropping hints such as putting a note on your opponents’ victims in an attempt of notification is also a foul resulting in forfeiture of the round and possibly league expulsion.
3. The victim must be a certifiable stranger. Planting victims will be punished by forfeiture and possible league expulsion.
4. Stalkers are responsible for their own score, similar a method used in gold. They must write down all of the products in their carts as they are placing them. Any items not in the cart, or not on the scorecard will not be allowed for scoring. Referees will be watching through surveillance camera to make sure no score manipulation will take place. Also, undercover consumer/referees will also be monitoring all league events.
In the event of a tie in a non-playoff situation, the tie will be recorded and one point designated to each team. In a playoff situation, the players who are tied will be required to perform one following step. Upon completion of the victims’ shopping as they approach the checkout aisle, the stalkers will approach the victims causally and ask them to recall the prices of items that are in their carts. (e.g. “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice you purchased the Bic Leg Shavers. I don’t suppose you know how much they were?”) The stalkers will continue to ask these questions until it becomes evident to the victim that they are being stalked. Each time the victim goes through the product recognition process with the player, that player will receive one point per item. However, if they manage to find out the price from the victim, they will get an additional half-point. At the end of this tie-breaker round, a winner will be declared. If the result continues to be a tie, a French-bread light-saber duel will commence. A double-sided French bread will not be allowed at any time unless it is on sale for the price of the single size. The contestant still standing will be declared the winner.
Now that I have explained the rules of this new game that is sweeping the nation, go have fun everybody. I hope you all enjoy the countless hours of fun Supermarket stalker will bring to your life. It’s a game with something for everybody. And now that the holidays are beginning to take shape, shopping trips to the local market with significant other, mother, or father will no longer have to be boring or dull. That’s why the Aborigines have been playing it since the 14th century; the English are just catching on now, and it’s time for American to become the dominant country in a new athletic event. So go out there, stalk those crowds of commerce, those crazy cats of commercialism, and always remember its not stalking unless it’s Supermarket Stalking.
Oh, and remember just in case somebody takes this too seriously, the game begins and ends in the supermarket. If you can’t deal with that, then you deserve to be locked up. Thank you, and Happy Holidays!
Paul Rafelson is a Collegian staff member
