It’s less than two weeks until I take the LSAT, the Law School Admissions Test. Yes, Saturday, October 6th, I’ll be venturing over to Amherst College at about 8:00a.m., sit in a quiet, sterile room for about four and a half hours, and take an excruciating test that includes logic games, reading comp, and analytical reasoning.

I’ve been studying for the LSAT for about three months now. I started this summer when I was interning in Washington DC. I really didn’t have much to do at my internship, so I just sat in the library and did problem sets. Now, after all of this preparation; all the books, all the practice tests, the Kaplan Online Crash Course and the time and effort put toward a decent score, it’s all about to come together and all I have to say about it is, what am I doing?

In addition to the countless hours of studying for the LSAT, I’ve also been requesting law school applications from a bunch of schools all over the country. I’ve ordered the Law School Data Assembly Service Registration Booklet. I’m calling up professors and asking them to write recommendations for me. I’m doing all of this in order to apply, be admitted, and then go to some law school next fall. I’m going through the motions of really wanting to go to law school, and acting like I’m confident that that’s the path I want my life to follow.

But in reality, it’s just a front. I have to be honest. People ask me, “why do you want to go to law school,” and “so you want to be a lawyer, huh?” And I always come up with some clever answer that sounds somewhat educated and secure. But the truth is, I’m totally scared of graduating and leaving school, getting a job, and growing up. So I decided that going to more school was the obvious solution to my dilemma.

Graduation from college seems so far away when you’re filling out college applications. And then you get to college and you’re worried about finding classes, finishing your major, and getting in all those pesky Gen Eds. But then one day, you look at your degree audit and you realize that come May (or December, or whenever you finish), you’re homeless. College is so cushy compared to the life outside. And again, to be honest, I’m not looking forward to packing up my apartment and moving on. I don’t want to work all day, I don’t want to go out looking for a job or worrying about paying back school loans or health insurance. So instead of facing this overwhelming challenge, I decided to take the coward’s way out and become a professional student.

Law school doesn’t seem like that bad of an idea, really. I mean, I’ll be in an academic setting, going to classes and meeting people, doing homework and such. Life won’t fundamentally be that much different than undergrad, right? Granted I’ll be extra busy and it’s super-intense and everything, but it’s worth it in the end, right? Because after suffering through three years of the Socratic Method and legal briefs, I’ll have a job waiting for me! This is what I keep telling myself, and the more I tell myself about the joys of a law education, the easier it becomes to study problem sets and pay the $95 to subscribe to the Law School Admissions Council.

Please don’t send this piece to my mother. Because she’s of the idea that you shouldn’t go to law school unless you’re completely sure that you want to be a lawyer, and if she learned of my insecurity and cowardice, she’d probably be quite upset. I’d get a phone call warning me of the dangers of unhappiness in school; she’d tell me that it’s not worth taking out the loans and spending all that money if you’re not totally excited about being a lawyer for your life. And then I’d have to reassure her that I’m confident in my choice, yadda yadda yadda, and lie to her just like I’m lying to everyone else. I’d have to say, “Mom, I don’t know where you’re getting this idea that I’m not excited about law school. I’ve wanted to be a lawyer all my life!”

Do I really want to go to law school? Am I just having eleventh hour jitters? Well, I look at it this way: I like school. I’m good at it. Law fascinates me. I think a law education would be interesting, challenging and fulfilling. And yes, when I get out, I’ll have something waiting for me, hopefully not just angry loan officers. I think I’d be a pretty good lawyer. Besides, you can do a lot with a law degree, not just become a lawyer, right? I could go into politics; I could be a VP of a highly lucrative financial endeavor. I could develop real estate. I can sell my soul for money. Or I could help people. The world would really be my oyster with a law degree. I think I’m making the right decision: I’ve made the decision to put off making serious decisions for another couple of years, and that’s what I’m most confident about. Who wants to grow up, really?

So now all I have to do is get a good score on the LSAT. I have few short days to polish my reasoning skills before I have to prove myself. Standardized tests are terrible anyway, how can one test quantify intelligence and qualifications? For now I’m not too worried about it. I think I’ll do okay. I’m not worried about October 6; it’s the rest of my life that makes me anxious.