I am not a big baseball fan. I’m not a Red Sox fan or a Yankees fan. If I had to cheer on a team, it would have to be the Minnesota Twins, but they haven’t been the same since Kirby left. That said, and even though I’m not a regular member of the baseball viewing audience, I do associate with many people who are extreme baseball fans, and therefore I do catch the occasional game.
The other night I was watching Game Two of the World Series and I noticed something. First of all, this is what, the sixth year that the Yankees have been in the pennant race? I think there’s something suspicious about that, almost like it was planned and enforced. As the camera panned over the Yankees dugout, I looked at all the player’s faces and realized that they all look like they belong to some crime family. That’s when it hit me: the Yankees ball club is more than just a baseball team, it’s a mafia. No wonder they’ve been in the World Series so many times! They’ve been involved in clandestine activities that have guaranteed their spot in the championships.
Now before all you Yankee fans or Yankee haters start sending me nasty e-mails, just hear me out. Think about it, don’t they all look like shady characters? I think so. Let’s review the Yankee roster and go over how this team could be and possibly is an organized crime network, and how everyone fits in.
The team:
Derek Jeter – loneshark
Andy Pettitte – bookie
David Justice – con man
Jorge Posada – hitman
Orlando Hernandez – ‘The Drifter’
Roger Clemens – the intimidator
Randy Velarde – runner
Mike Mussina – money launderer
Mariano Rivera – the clean-up guy, “mops up the mess”
Bernie Williams – bodyguard
Luis Sojo – chef at the Italian Restaurant
Scott Brosius – creepy pervert guy at the strip club
Mike Stanton – corrupt NYC cop
Chuck Knoblauch – corrupt NYC cop (Mike’s partner)
Tino Martinez -‘The Snake’
Alfonso Soriano – crack dealer
Ramiro Mendoza – ‘The Rat’
Clay Bellinger – thief
Paul O’Neill – psychopath (like Joe Pesci in Goodfellas)
Shane Spencer – fence
Don Zimmer – the bald guy (there’s always a bald guy)
Joe Torre – underboss
George Steinbrenner – the boss, the Godfather
Just imagine some FBI office somewhere with the hierarchy all drawn out on some wall with Steinbrenner at the top and all his henchmen ascending down through the ranks. They all pose as baseball players during the games, but behind the scenes, they’re engaged in racketeering, expropriation, extortion, bribery, blackmail and coercion – all the classic activities in which a mob is involved. Still not convinced? Let me expand on some theories that I’ve been working on regarding this Yankee crime family, and why they’ve forced themselves into the playoffs for the last seven years.
The Yankees have plenty of covers for their money laundering and expropriation of funds. Let’s talk about the vending industry. The Yankees probably have an ‘arrangement’ with the vendors in the ballpark where they hike up prices on soft pretzels, beer, hot dogs and pop, and then give kickbacks to the vendors while they put the rest of the money into fake accounts that will later be used to bribe umpires to make calls in the Yank’s favor, and to presidents of other ball clubs not to sign or play certain players. They probably all bet on their own games too, and launder the money through the refreshments stand. Little do the fans know that when they spend that $5 for a hot dog their money is getting mixed in with the dirty money from backroom gambling.
Like other mafia families, they use force to get what they want. Through coercion they can convince other teams not to win, be it by blackmail, exploitation or just plain threat. Think about all the players on the disabled list this year. Accidents? I think not. Javy Lopez of the Atlanta Braves – ankle injury; Curt Leskanic of the Milwaukee Brewers – rotator cuff; Jason Kendall of the Pittsburgh Pirates – thumb surgery; Benny Agbayani of the Mets – ‘broke’ his arm/wrist; Tony Gwynn of the Padres – knee injury; Nomar Garciaparra of the Red Sox – broken wrist; Carlos Gullien of the Mariners – Tuberculosis; and Jeff Bagwell of the Houston Astros – torn labrum. The Yankees will go to great lengths to get what they want.
Picture this: it’s a dark night. Mark McGwire is driving home from Busch Stadium when he’s tailed by a black Suburban. He pulls up to a stoplight and the Suburban pulls up alongside him. The window goes down, and to Mark’s surprise, he sees Tino Martinez. The two cars pull into the back of a local grocery store. Mark gets out of his car, and out of the Suburban hops Tino “the Snake,” Jorge Posada, and Roger Clemens, the resident tough guy. They make Mark an offer he can’t refuse. They say, “Hey Mark, we’re tired of you being a big star. Now either you get out of the spotlight, or we take you out of the spotlight!” and of course Mark then says, “You guys don’t fool me! I’m not going to quit playing like a champ just because you don’t like it!” But the Yankees won’t be stopped. The next game Mark is out with a “bad back.” Remember Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan? It’s the same thing, except more clandestine. The Yankees don’t have a bunch of anonymous thugs doing their dirty work in public, they do it themselves and in secret.
Yeah, the Yankees definitely have a conspiracy going. Steinbrenner just sits in his office, smoking a big stogie, eating some lasagna from Sojo’s restaurant, coordinating the plans to keep the Yanks in the race. But it’s not just that. With Jeter’s lonesharking, Soriano’s crack dealership, Mussina’s money laundering and Pettitte making the bets, the Yankees have a bonafide crime empire on their hands. And don’t worry, they’ve got Rivera to clean up any messes they accidentally make. Like when they gave Carlos Guillen TB. He wasn’t too happy about that and Rivera had to come in and sanitize the scene.
It’s like every mob movie you’ve seen and every episode of the Sopranos. The difference is that unlike the Corleones, the Yankees are tied together through baseball, not their Italian ancestry or their neighborhoods. And while Tony Soprano runs a lucrative strip club and garbage company, Steinbrenner runs a successful team. So successful because they’ll do anything to win. Anything. You can almost expect Bautista and Randy Johnson to be getting midnight visits from Velarde and Hernandez, or at least from a horse’s head. And they can’t go to the police because Knoblauch and Stanton have a ‘special relationship’ with the family.
Whether the Yankees are truly a network of organized crime, as I have suggested, is up to you to decide. However, after reading this report you’ll most likely look at the NY bullpen differently from now on. Maybe I’ve just watched too many mob movies, or maybe I’m just getting too into my Deviance and Social Order class. Whatever the reason, my interest has been sparked and I’m convinced that there is strategic interaction going on that it suspect. For that reason, I’m rooting for Arizona.
