If I ever meet DJ Clue, I’m going to punch him in the face.

DJ Clue is the worst DJ in the universe. He shouldn’t even be allowed to hold the title “DJ.” They should just call him “Clue,” as in, “doesn’t have one.”

Ever since we got a cable modem at my house, I’ve been a downloading fiend. I have about 1000 songs on my hard drive. And I got a CD burner for Christmas so I am a mega-mix-making-machine. Naturally in order to craft the perfect party mix I have to find the best pop and dance songs. So I go to Kazaa or Audiogalaxy and I click on the latest jams like Fat Joe and Ashanti’s “What’s Luv” or the Ja Rule, Cadillac Tah and J’Lo remix of “Ain’t it funny.” However, I have made a very disturbing and frustrating discovery. It is extremely hard to find a version of the song that both contains the swear words (radio edits suck), and does NOT contain some crappy screaming from that A$$hole DJ Clue.

I know I’m not the only one who wants to poison DJ Clue’s Krystal. Let me describe what makes him so terrible. First of all, when you download a song that featuring DJ Clue, it doesn’t say so on the song title. You think you’re downloading a pure version without DJ Clue’s obnoxious yelling. However, when you go to listen to the song, you’re bombarded with this incessant whooping throughout the entire track! In the beginning it’s “New Ja Rule…Fresh Out…DJ CLUE!” And then approximately every 15 to 30 seconds throughout the rest of the song the artist fades out so that Clue can come on again and yell something along the lines of “DJ CLUE,” or “DESERT STORM” or “NEW $HIT.” You can’t listen to the actual song because he won’t shut up. And the song itself is really quiet. This happened to me the other day. I downloaded “Livin it up” by Ja Rule and burned it onto a disc before listening to it. Stupid me. I put it on in my car and had to turn up Ja Rule because he was so quiet. Then, all of a sudden, out of the blue, my ears and speakers were blown out when DJ Clue starts yelling his signature crap. Why can’t I just download the song without some stupid DJ Clue ruining it?

I don’t know how he’s made a career as a DJ. I mean, maybe he is a good pop producer. He seems to work with lots of popular artists with good songs. He did one of my favorite tracks, Mariah Carey’s “Honey” remix. That wasn’t so bad. But lately he’s been out of control. Who lets him dub his screaming over a good song anyway? Whoever Clue’s boss is needs to stop snorting coke and fire that crap cake. Seriously, he’s ruining pop music and my downloading high.

And I know that there are other producers out there who feature themselves in their artist’s songs and videos. Hello, P. Diddy was totally in every Biggie video, and even muttered stuff on some of his cuts. And Diddy works with lots of artists that allow him a certain level of selfish freedom over their music. But I must say, to Diddy’s credit, he isn’t nearly as annoying and pushy as DJ Clue. If I were P. Diddy I’d be pissed at Clue for giving DJs and producers a bad name. If I were P. Diddy, I’d punch DJ Clue in the face in front of Carson Daly on TRL. If I were the director of programming for the Fox network, I would get P. Diddy or Pete Rock to get in the ring with DJ Clue for Celebrity Boxing and get the entire American television watching public to watch Diddy or Rock beat the “desert storm” out of Clue and end his stupid DJ career.

I saw Clue the other day hosting some random thing on MTV. He was with some VJ girl. He was acting like he was the hottest thing since D’Angelo in the “How Does it Feel” video. Guess what, he is one ugly MuthaF**ka! I was like, “you’ve got to be kidding me! THAT little runt is DJ Clue?” Seriously folks, he had a big ugly pimply face on a stumpy little body and looked more like an extra in the Michael Jackson Thriller video than a New York hip hop hotshot. I almost kicked the television. He was sitting there, with a big MTV mic in his hand, announcing videos, acting completely unaware of ruining pop music. Guiltless. DJ Clue. Ha! I hate you DJ Clue.

Oh, and another thing. Whenever I drive in or around New York City, one of my favorite places on earth and the birthplace of hip hop, I always listen to Hot 97. Okay, so it’s just like Jam’n 94.5 in Boston or WKYS in D.C., but there’s something about driving in NYC and listening to music that was made in the city. And Hot 97 usually serves up some phat jams. Driving music, you know. Anyway, did I mention that I hate DJ Clue? Yeah, not only did he ruin the songs that I download, but he also ruined the songs that I listen to when I’m bumpin’ in Manhattan in my Maxima. His voice makes my ears bleed. I’ll be listening to the radio and his show will come on or he’ll do a guest spot, and the whole experience is ruined. And on top of that, he doesn’t even play any good stuff on his show. It’s all repeat of the same played out crap that I can hear in Boston or even on the Hartford station, Hot 93.7. If he’s really at the forefront of the future of hip hop and a trailblazer in the genre, then why is he spinning the same tired old sh*t everyone else has already done? DJ Clue should not, under any circumstance, have his own show on Hot 97. The quality of that show would increase exponentially if he were removed from the airwaves.

All he does is yell and try to “remix” songs. Remix? If by “remix” you mean spend the first 20 seconds of each song yelling his name and then stopping the song several times to shot other meaningless garbage. Desert storm? What is that? He must either be some crazy narcissist arrogant bastard who is so full of himself that he assumes that everyone wants to hear his shouting rants, or he has absolutely no self-esteem whatsoever that requires him to act out in order to try and gain reassurance from those around him. It would not surprise me one bit if his penis is the size of cooked, limp penne noodle.

DJ Clue is a menace to society and all pop music. Someone please take away his turntables. Wait, I’m sure he doesn’t use turntables; he probably just has an old AIWA with a microphone plugged into the side. A real DJ is someone who lets the songs speak for themselves, or if they remix, they plug in a different beat, or switch up the hook. A real DJ comes up with their own beats. DJ Babu, DJ Premier, DJ Hi Tek, DJ Abilities, and all of the Beat Junkies. These are real original DJs with real talent. DJ Clue is a hack. DJ Clue sucks. And for all you downloaders out there, please take those crappy DJ Clue remixes off of your harddrives! Let’s stop the cycle of crap. I hate you, DJ Clue. And I hate your whole evil empire!

Catherine Turner (alias C-Munny) is a Collegian columnist whose biz-urthday is today!