Letters 4/1/10

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Dear Editor,

I’m sick of people calling me and my family a bunch of sparkly, whiny douches. I can still rip their heads off with less effort than it takes you to swat a fly. Edward is the only one in my family who is a whiny douche and that’s the last I want to hear of it, so there.

Carlisle Cullen, MD

Dear Editor,

Gib me mah bucket!

Lolrus

Dear Editor,

I was like sooooo touched by Alex Perry’s “Bad Romance” column. OMG I love that song!!!!! Lady Gaga rules! Woooooo! He looks really cute in that little photo, too. Can I have his number? Do you think he’d hook up with me?

Danielle Uggs

UMass student

Dear Editor,

We have been holding Chancellor Holub hostage here in Columbia. Please take him off our hands before he raises fees on our jungle space again.

The Revolutionary Armed Forces of Columbia-People’s Army

Dear Editor,

If the President does it, it is not illegal.

Richard M. Nixon

Dear Editor,

If the President does it, it ain’t illegal—but it is kinky.

William Jefferson Clinton

Dear Editor,

Good grief: the Collegian is still printed on paper. Reading one is like reading a book made out of your mother: a horrible, dastardly crime. There is absolutely nothing redeeming about your planet-killing, tree-murdering criminal gang.

You are taking a dump on the chest of Social Justice every time you publish your rag.

Cal I. Rad

UMass student

Dear Editor,

Thank you for sending me those pictures of your intimate regions. I’m proud to be bringing sexy back to the U.S. Senate and I hope to do so for many years to come. Please accept this musky lock of my chest hair to cherish and keep for decades hereafter.

Senator Scott Brown, R-Mass

Editor’s Note: April Fools.