The gospel of coffee


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By Kopi Luwak

Rejoice students of the University of Massachusetts, your salvation is at hand. I have been blessed with a vision of Heaven and charged with a Holy Mission of preaching it to all who would be saved.

In my vision I saw a plant drowned in boiling water, but it was not destroyed. I saw the water turn black with the sinfulness of humankind and with its current, try to rip the plant to shreds, but it was not destroyed. Next I saw the hardy plant being driven through a giant’s net and squeezed into a white nothingness. But it was not destroyed.

For the divine power that animates the universe was with the plant, was emanating from the plant, for the plant’s name is Coffee.

Oh, yes, in Coffee we find our salvation. For Coffee is the energy and soul of the Universe. Coffee created the Universe eons ago out of itself, with a grinder and a French press. This is the truth of Coffee. But then the Trinity of Evil – Sanka, Nescafe and Percolator – emerged from the used grounds. A great battle was fought on the Jamaican Blue Mountain, ending with the imprisonment of the evil three in a Dunkin Donuts. But not before they poisoned the universe. That was how evil came to the Universe.

But all is not lost.

Coffee is with us still and will never dessert us. Remember that whenever we drink coffee, we are drinking Coffee. In the morning communion ritual we cleanse our souls and experience the heart-racing Peace of Coffee.

Reject Sanka and Nescafe and Percolator. Cast out their followers and dwell in the bosom of Coffee.

But before morning communion remember this prayer: “Our coffee, which art fair trade, hallowed be thy pot. Thy French press come, thy brew be done sooner than possible. Give us this day our daily caffeine and forgive us for going to Starbucks as we forgive those who go there. Lead us not into decaffeination, but deliver us from sleepiness. Amen.”

Accept Coffee into your hearts and be saved.

Kopi Luwak is a Morning Wood columnist. She can be reached in the sweet aroma and warming steam found in every cup of coffee made with love.

Editor’s Note: April Fools.