Oh hai. I are editor kitteh an I believez taht we needz are hethcar. Millonz uv kittehz n hoomanz will now haf akzes 2 afurdball helth inzuranz. Us likez. Iz gud Preshidunt Obama carz so mush bout us, he mak shur we getz inshurants.

Kitehz need hethy hoomanz fur good nomz n stuff. N like wenz we ated 2 many cheezburgerz we gets halp fur cheeper tahn b4. Mosht impurtandlee we gets covrage if we gets hurt doin big werdz.

Wif muneez saved frum medichairz Obama can putz in new monorail kittehz acroz nashun so we canz moof wifout carz.

But Amer4chan peeplz needz MOAR reformz. Dis 1 doezn’t go far nuff. We shuldz haf univershal free covrage. Dis 1 2 close 2 inshurantz companies.

Teh Republickin plan ish rong n stooped. If dey keepz blockin reformz, we nom dem, tehn we be in ur Kongrez, makin ur lawz.

K. Thx bai.

Unsigned editorials represent the majority opinion of the Collegian editorial board.

Editor’s Note: April Fools.