Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

Report: Nine out of 10 UMass students agree: “Woooo!”

According to a new report from the Center for Alcohol and other Drug Abuse Prevention (CADAP) at University Health Services, nine out of 10 University of Massachusetts students agree with the following statement: “Wooooo!”

The report, released Monday by CADAP, surveyed incoming first-year students last fall as well as collating data from survey questions asked during BASICS classes.

The questions asked students to strongly disagree, disagree, be neutral, agree, strongly agree, or simply “hell yeah” the following statement: “Wooooo!”

More than 8,000 UMass students were polled throughout the survey, which also focused on issues such as shotgunning skills awareness, the appropriate way to funnel brewskis, and proper rules and regulations for the popular drinking game Kings.

CADAP Director Sally A. Linkowski saw positives in the survey’s results.

“This certainly is a lively campus,” said Linowski, “wooo, go UMass [expletive deleted],” she chanted during a Tuesday interview, as she chugged a 12-ounce can of Natural Ice brand beer. “Our students have long been known as among the nation’s most academically elite, but now we finally know that, that woooooooo.”

Across campus, reactions to the study’s results could be heard jubilantly echoing through UMass’ cement walkways.

In Southwest, students could be seen decorating a large banner reading “We’re # WOOOO,” while the Student Government Association (SGA) has launched a new Weady, Set, Woo! campaign to bolster student excitement.

“This is a time for campus unity, a time to come together, kick back a little bit, and let loose, what’s not to be excited about? Wooo!” said SGA President Ngozi Mbauwike, while speaker Modesto Montero nodded eagerly, chipping in his own elated “wooo-hooo.”

Educational analysts were unsurprised at the results.

Kaplan researcher Martha Rubinowitz noted that UMass has long been noted for its elation, easy excitement, attraction to bright, flashing lights, affinity for Cheetos, and general ambiance of enthusiasm.

“The University of Massachusetts has long been known as an academic hub for cheer and zeal,” she said. “Frankly, I’m surprised nine-and-a-half students in ten didn’t respond positively, this seems to be a changing tide for the University.”

Students continued the whooping woos Wednesday with the rapid formation of a campus-wide coalition demanding Whitmore be temporarily renamed “WooMore!” while at Garber Field, impassioned students cried out “go woomass.”

“Oh, no, I’m not surprised at all,” remarked sophomore Steve “Steve-O” Hanlon, in attendance at Wednesday’s lacrosse game, “this is just such a sick place, and the people are nasty, and the school is ill, I mean, shit dude, woooooo, baby go WooMass!”

Freshman Liz DiPietro, seated next to Hanlon, agreed.

“I mean I just can’t think of any other words that come to mind when I think of how chill this place is,” she said. “It’s just like one big woo, it’s just like, all you can do here is like chill and do sick stuff, and like all it makes you think is woooooo.”

For the remainder of the year, CADAP is planning to host informational sessions on keg stand technique, proper flip cup form, Beirut strategy talks with live simulation, discussions with local police on how to best enter bars illegally, and will be distributing free Jagerbomb assembly kits.

Tobias von Schlangberg can be reached at [email protected].

Editor’s Note: April Fools.

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