Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

More than a comicbook’s worth of calamaties

Whew, what a long journey it has been. By journey I mean the epic sequential actions that have resulted in the composition of this fine gesture presenting gratitude, success and exasperation. Though I have only worked at The Massachusetts Daily Collegian for the equivalent of a mudskipper’s time spent digging breeding holes for its young, I feel accomplished in the work I have done. Comics Editor is a tough gig to nail on a daily basis, especially when you are constantly trying to slay the evil monster that hoards all of the crossword solutions. I must admit that I was bested in a particular bout where the ghastly crossword chimera countered my super ultra combo and parried with an intense flurry that resulted in the kidnapping of the Collegian’s dear crossword clues.

The public outcry over this awful outcome was of severe resentment and criticism. I then looked to the stars for some sort of guidance as to how I could surprise the beast with a new attack that it had not seen before. It was on that same night that both Jedi masters Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Kenobi appeared before me. I became encompassed in gratitude to these wise specters, and they acknowledged my grave predicament. Over the next few hours they had trained me in the solemn Jedi consular arts which were mutually difficult and insanely stimulating. As the sun rose, the Jedi masters left me with a piece of advice that I swore to take with me to the grave. If I were to ever tell anyone else that the key to besting this mindboggling fiend was a healthy diet of Taco Bell and KFC’s new double down sandwich, then I would be surely denied access into their super cool and awesome depiction of the afterlife. Alas, I marched into the den of the great beast. I marched for UMass, for the Collegian, for old yeller, for Sloth from the Goonies, for Sandra Bullock and for the kingdom of Rohan; I marched.

The battle was short-lived and I emerged victorious. The crossword clues returned to their page safe and sound with no scratches or blemishes. Since the awful and just battle, the world has not seen the kidnapping evil. However, I feel as though something still stirs in the darkness beyond the mouth of the dark cave. Fear not fellow Collegian reader, like the priests in the film “The Fifth Element,” I have passed on the knowledge of the Jedi Masters to ensure that future calamities will never occur again. It has been an honor serving the UMass public, but it is time for this elder comic editor to venture with the Doc back to the future. I only ask one thing as I depart from this land, that you remember every masturbatory comic that was I ever gave you. Here’s looking at you kids. TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!

Andrew Witts was the Collegian’s comics editor. He can be reached at [email protected].

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