Dear Sophie,

I’m a girl and I don’t really enjoy receiving oral. It just doesn’t do as much for me as other things, and I’ve heard people say that it’s better than sex. What is your opinion on this?

You sound fine to me. Whatever works for you, works. Sure, for some people, oral is the best thing since sliced bread, but it’s completely fine if you don’t feel the same way (as long as you are getting off when you do other things—that’s important). You could try experimenting with different types of oral, if you want. Maybe lying on your back would relax you, or sitting on your partner’s face would give him or her more access. And ask whomever you’re hooking up with to try different techniques—maybe focusing on your clit, or adding some finger action as well. Obviously, I don’t know what you’ve already tried, so this may come as no surprise. And if it turns out that oral just isn’t your cup of tea, I don’t think it’s anything to worry about. The only important thing is that your sex life is satisfactory for you, and to hell with what other people happen to like, you know?

Dear Sophie,

Where does the line come (excuse the pun) with masturbation? How far is too far? At what point does it go from innocent pastime to treacherous obsession? Help!

As with any hobby, I think it only becomes a problem when it starts sabotaging other aspects of your life, or your relationships with other people. If you’re dating someone and regularly choosing to masturbate rather than spend time with them, for example, I’d say it’s a problem. If you find yourself missing classes because you’re lost in the throes of mindless self-pleasure, you should probably re-evaluate. (But I mean, like, if you do this once I might let it slide.) On the other hand, if you can honestly say to yourself that you only do it when you really have the time and privacy, then by all means go for it—and congratulations on having such a good grip (see, I can make puns too) on what gets you off!

Dear Sophie,

Is it weird that I like it when my boyfriend chokes me? I asked him to do it once, and he did, but he seemed really weirded out.

Definitely not weird. And it’s great that you feel comfortable enough with it to ask him. It’s not crazy that he would feel strange about it—he might feel like it makes him a bad person, or he might just be worried about hurting you. Have you tried asking him again, or whether it bothered him and why?

If you can convince him that it’s okay because you want it and that therefore he is not a rapist, I do have a word of advice: please be careful. Choking can easily get dangerous, and unfortunately, to the best of my knowledge, there isn’t really a foolproof way of making it safe. He should NOT be choking you to the point where you can’t breathe at all, and you absolutely must have a safe signal (probably not a safe word, since it might be difficult for you to talk). Tell him to err on the side of caution, and to stop and check in with you frequently. Enjoy!

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