How to dress ‘Jersey’

By Kate Evans

Your friends have been pestering you for weeks now, inquiring about your Halloween costume. Unfortunately, you’ve been too busy watching Jersey Shore reruns to study for your midterms, let alone construct an original outfit.

Stress no more! Turn off the television and check out this epic list of how to dress like each Jersey Shore cast member to impress your nagging friends:

We’ve got a Situation
Think you’d make a nice Mike “The Situation” for Halloween? You could give up and acknowledge that your abs will never look like that, or you could grab some gym shorts, a white “wife beater” and a black marker. Use the marker to draw an 8-pack outline on your stomach, as you will be continuously lifting up your shirt to expose your “situation” all night. If you have extra cash, buy a fake blingin’ cross necklace and rock that as well. Gel your hair, go tanning and say things like, “I’m like a Ferrari, I’m high maintenance, okay?”

The Princess of Poughkeepsie
Does Snooki the pickle-loving firecracker appeal to you? Wear anything that’s short, tight and animal print, decked with lots of glitter. Make sure to apply at least 20 coats of bronzer, four layers of black eyeliner and sparkly lip-gloss. Take two bobby pins and clip the front section of your hair back, creating the famous poof. Carry around a jar of pickles and say things like, “It’s like putting a watermelon into a pinhole.”

DJ Strong Hair
Do you love getting with hot chicks, dancing to house music, and DJ-ing? If so, Pauly D is who you want to be. You’ll need to apply an entire bottle of hair gel, then comb your hair straight upward. Once it is sticking up, spray half a can of hairspray, or until your hair is hard as a rock. Wear jeans, a pink or black T-shirt, and as much bling as you can find. Drape headphones around your neck and say things like, “Nothin’ like herpes to ruin a party.”

Kim Kardashian of Staten Island
Feel like you’re the misfit of your group? Angelina is the cast member for you. Rock some cutoff jean shorts with a black top and match that with the largest pair of sunglasses you can find. If you have the funds, purchase some black washout hair dye and go all out. Stick your nose in the air and say things like, “the [expletive deleted] of Staten Island is back and ready to party!”

MusclesAre you not that funny but manage to get with two chicks at once while your girlfriend sits at home in bed? Dress as Ronnie this year! Match some swim trunks with a gray “wife beater” and gel your hair into a faux-hawk. Neglect your current girlfriend and carry around a book with all your ex-girlfriends’ phone numbers. Make sure to say things like, “I’m gonna have a good time and get creepy and get weird.”

The Sweetheart
Ironically nicknamed, as Sammi is never smiling. To look like this diva, dress in black yoga pants and a black “wife beater.” Wear your hair down and straightened, and make sure to act as much like a wet blanket as much as possible. Carry around an anonymous note with you that says your boyfriend cheated on you at the club. Make sure to say nothing all night since Sammi never speaks, she only cries.

Oh WOWW
The first step to dressing like JWoww is to stuff your bra with oranges. Wear tight jeans and a top that sinks low enough to reveal your bellybutton, and pretend to chat on the phone with your “boyfriend,” Tom. Rock large gold hoop earrings and say things like, “I’m allergic to pecans…sometimes.”

Guido Wannabe
If you were born a daywalker, Vinny is the character for you. This costume requires faded jeans, a black wife beater, and a plaid baseball cap. You may want to wax your eyebrows, be down to snuggle with Snooki, and say things like, “My v-neck is so fresh that I skip T-shirt time.”

Your midterms are in your own hands now, but at least you’ll succeed in making a memorable appearance on Halloween all while showing your friends up.

Kate Evans can be reached at [email protected]