Lady Problems

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Dear Sophie,

My girlfriend of 2 years makes me feel unwanted. I tried talking to her several times about the issue but she is always annoyed and prefers not to. I don’t want to give up all that we built, but I really felt like I hit a wall. Should I end it?

Unfortunately, this is a question that you ultimately have to answer for yourself. The question is, does she generally make you happy? Do the good times outweigh the bad? Do you feel like she’s honestly putting effort into your relationship? It’s completely understandable that you don’t want to just throw away everything between the two of you, but you have to determine whether you’re reluctant to let go because you truly love each other, or just because it’s easy and comfortable to stay with the same person.

I would definitely say that you should try at least once or twice more to talk to her. You might say something along the lines of, “I’ve been feeling like you aren’t that interested in me anymore, and here’s why. I’m not attacking you, but it makes me very unhappy and I can’t keep things up like this. If there’s something going on with you or something I can help with, I want to know about it.” If she’s reasonable, she’ll listen and try to work it out. And if she won’t try….then yes, maybe it is time to move on.

Dear Sophie,

My girlfriend likes it when I talk dirty to her when we have sex, but sometimes I can get a bit uncomfortable about it. I feel like being so objectifying goes against my code of gentlemanliness. How can I get dirty for her without feeling like a jerk?

Talking dirty to your girlfriend should fit right in with your code of gentlemanliness (I love that you have one, by the way. Can I get a copy?). Doesn’t your code include doing nice things for her? She’s asked you to do it, hasn’t she? I understand that it goes against the grain to objectify your girlfriend like that. But here’s the thing: you don’t think of her as just an object. You love her, and she knows that. It just turns her on to be treated as an object, and if you can do that for her, it’s simply another way of expressing your love.

A lot of good sex is fantasy. It doesn’t say anything about your non-sex life, and it doesn’t say anything about you as a person. You’re a good guy. Don’t worry about it.

Got a problem of your own? Tell me about it at my Formspring.

Sophie Kaner can be reached at [email protected]