OK everyone, let’s get started. I’m your teaching assistant, by the way. Do you mind if I smoke in here? Great, thanks. What? Yes, I have been told I resemble a young Brad Pitt. Thanks, I’m flattered. He’s like a less talented Richard Feynman, but thanks, you’re sweet. University regulations prohibit me from dating you, so I’ll tell you what I told Angelina Jolie: Cannes was heaven, but I’ve moved on.

Also, sorry for being two hours late. Thanks for waiting. My Aston Martin uses a nuclear fusion reactor that starts on coffee beans – you probably saw it in last week’s Economist – and I had to refuel at this cafe I invested in. You know the one with the Brazilian hipster barista? Take it easy guys, she’s spoken for. She totally digs graduate students. Like most women, really. But anyways, you have a midterm tomorrow, so let’s get started.

Speaking of coffee, I’m also sorry to say that you’ll need some tonight because, to be honest, tomorrow’s midterm will be pretty impossible. I know. Right, it was over the first three chapters originally. Good job paying attention to the substitute. But what happened was, your professor and I were flying this prototype Virgin Atlantic spacecraft back from this conference in Australia – man, what a trip that was – when, mid-flight, after I don’t know how many gin and tonics, we got this crazy idea to totally change how we test people. See, that’s research, you never turn off!

Check it out: instead of the old pencil and paper routine, we’re going to hook up everybody’s brain with sensors connected to an MRI machine. What this does is, when we projector a question on the board on midterm day, you answer it in your head, probably instinctively – which I’m guessing means you’ll all do pretty poorly, since it’s your first time with this material – and the MRI records your brain activity and produces a report that in effect will determine your score. Or so we assume. We’re economists: we make assumptions and go with the flow. Plus we didn’t want to grade. Because grading, you know, it’s so objective.

No, I have no idea what’s on the test, which is why we’re reviewing. C’mon everyone, let’s see some smiles! You chose to be here, right? But yeah, we’ll randomly generate the questions tomorrow morning through this program a post-doc wrote using some crazy database from the French Bureau of Economic Statistics. That reminds me I have to cut this review short to make it in time to that new French bistro tonight.

So, the midterm is chapters one through 50. The last 10 chapters are actually in this rare edition book this dude wrote back in the day. The library has like three copies, and there are, what, 140 of you? So – extra credit to whoever figures out the game theory. Keep your answer to one perfect sentence. That’s a Hemingway sentence, not a Garcia Marquez sentence, mind you.

Alright, let’s get to brass tacks. Start with GDP calculation. There’s this system of equations … wait, I can’t find my notes. I’ll just make one up. There we go. Don’t worry about all those Greek symbols. I mean they’re pretty key to understanding what’s going on, but if you feel better using Chinese symbols, that’s totally cool.

Now, this is “Intro to Micro,” you don’t want to get left behind, so pencil’s at the ready. No, I don’t have any pencils.

Let’s see. GDP, short for Gary’s Dainty Plums, of course.  I’m going to take a derivative … now I’ll just invert this matrix … let’s run a regression here, why not … and voila!: there is the proof of the Riemann hypothesis. Now I’ll just explain step-by-step so you can see – ah, great, I spilled cappuccino all over my Burberry. I have another suit in my office, excuse me.

Ok, where were we? Right – we were talking about fractals in Van Gogh paintings. Crazy, right? So, we – hold on, I’m getting a call. Yes, this is TA. Hey, Angie. No, not tonight, I

can’t, really. Look, there’s someone else. I know. Life is so weird. Look, I can’t explain why, I just had to go to grad school. And what about Brad? And the kids? And aren’t you some sort of phony? That’s what all the Republican presidential candidates are telling me. I know, they’ll say anything. Listen, I’ll call you later. Does the dress I sent fit? You’re a doll, you’ll kill ‘em at the Oscars, trust me. But I have to get back to these wiener kids. Ok, bye.

Sorry everybody. You know how it is. Or you probably don’t. If you go to grad school you certainly will. Which is why acing this test is way important. Also, because it’s, like, 95 percent of your grade. This one midterm. It wasn’t in the syllabus? I’m not gonna lie, I outsourced that thing, I have no idea what’s in it.

What? No, I haven’t graded your homework. I outsourced that too. Look, I’ve been busy Occupying Brazil, if you know what I mean. But jokes aside, it’s a fascinating country. You should read about it. I’m pretty sure it’s on the midterm tomorrow.

Well, looks like we’re about done here. I hope this review has been helpful. But I really have to go return this spaceship before dinner. So I won’t be checking email. Also, before I forget, be sure to wash your scalp for the brain sensors. And don’t wear a hat, because you look ridiculous when you wear a hat in class.

OK! You guys are gonna do great. Good luck. And thanks for the apple.

Lawrence De Geest is a Collegian contributor. He can be reached at [email protected].