The campus pond lures                                               Eight o’clock a.m.

Smells of algae compel you                                        This may be your walk of shame

Go, fly with the geese.                                                  We all make mistakes.

With burning fury                                                          If you are hungry

You watch as they drive away                                     Go eat at Berkshire Late Night

the PVTA.                                                                         You won’t regret it.

You ate at Franklin                                                        Do you like warfare?

It was Finger Food Friday                                           Join Humans versus Zombies

You must burn your clothes.                                      Annoy all others.

Pizza from Blue Wall                                                     You receive the text

My lower intestine bows                                               Oh, the woes of freshman year

To porcelain gods.                                                          You are sexiled!

Your first frat party                                                       Sorority pledge

Door cover charge of five bucks                                 Swear allegiance to sisters

How philanthropic.                                                      Just don’t forget dues.

They live in Southwest                                                 Oh, PoliSci kid

Slippers for shoes and light coats                             You are misinformed and smug

Behold: UggFaces.                                                        Please, put your hand down.

Emily Felder is a Collegian columnist/poet. She can be reached at [email protected].