Pooping: Anyone who is anyone does it. Literally. But on a campus with 20,000-30,000 sphincters and not nearly as many bathrooms, deciding where to drop a deuce can be a tough decision for any student on the run to make. This issue tends to be made even more critical to students using the women’s rooms on campus, as 35 percent of women’s bathroom stalls contain female urinals rather than toilets.

A University of Massachusetts senior, Wande Fecate, complained “One day during my freshman year I was prairie-dogging it after my English 200 class, and I ran into a bathroom stall but instead of a toilet there was this thing that looked like the lovechild of a urinal and bidet that just ate a toilet. I checked the next two stalls and they were the same. By then it was too late.”

Fortunately there are many pools in which any student with a high-fiber diet can drop the kids off, and a select few that are well-worth going out of the way for. Below is a list which is by no means all-inclusive, but a mere starting off point for those who wish to defecate in comfort.

1. Fine Arts Center.

During the day the FAC lobby is a relatively low-traffic area, which makes it a prime place to pinch one off. Furthermore, the bathrooms are enclosed rooms, ensuring privacy and comfort even when one has to make subhuman noises while trying to coax out a shy turd. The FAC has also played host to many intellectual and cultural superstars, such as Noam Chomsky and the cast of “American Idiot,” which makes pooping in it all the more exciting.

2. The Recreation Center.

Most people who come here do so with the intent to exercise using state-of-the-art equipment located throughout the Rec Center, but what many don’t realize is that they can get a fabulous core workout right outside the turnstiles in the lower lobby, in the bathrooms tucked away and almost out of sight. The Rec Center is very well-maintained, so there is no need to fear an empty roll hidden in the conspiratorially opaque toilet paper containers, and it is not at all uncommon to come into these bathrooms and find that they’ve just been cleaned. Another minor luxury of pooping in these bathrooms is that everything is hands-free, so you can poop, wash your hands, and feel a little less gross for touching the doorhandle.

3. Roots Cafe.

One hallmark of the new Commonwealth Honors College Residential Complex is Roots Cafe, the only on-campus eatery open 24/7 with the promise, “Roots Café offers something for everyone to enjoy.” While many might think of artisanal pizzas and sandwiches as that special something, the bathrooms here are also fairly exceptional. As already stated, these bathrooms are located in the only building on campus that is open to all 24/7, yet despite this they manage to stay in an orderly state more often than not, and with new facilities it’s impossible to ignore the comfort afforded by these bathrooms. So while the majority of students attending UMass do not get to enjoy the benefits of Commonwealth College, they can enjoy the shit out of the bathrooms in their café.

If none of these locales are conducive to your lifestyle, just remember, tossing a “landing-strip” of toilet paper down pre-poo will eliminate splash-back, a true game-changer in the deuce-dropping world. And, no matter what you do, don’t forget to flush.

Turd Browning can be reached at [email protected]