The Student Government Association will be dissolved at the end of the academic year and replaced with the popular British pop girl group Spice Girls, Chancellor Kumble Subbaswamy announced at a press conference on Monday.
Subbaswamy said that the decision was not very difficult because he has always been “the biggest fangirl” of the Spice Girls and he is “sick and tired of the shenanigans” that have plagued the SGA for the past month.
The Spice Girls were first formed in 1994 and consisted of five nicknamed members: Melanie Brown, Scary Spice; Melanie Chisholm, Sporty Spice; Emma Bunton, Baby Spice; Geri Halliwell, Ginger Spice; and Victoria Beckham, née Adams, Posh Spice. They were active until they went on hiatus in 2000. Since then, they have gone on one reunion tour and are rumored to be preparing for a second.
At the press conference on Monday, the Spice Girls said they were happy to become part of the University of Massachusetts.
“In the 90s we conquered the world with our music,” Brown said. “Now it’s time to take on the minds of the students that grew up with our music.”
Zachary Broughton, the current SGA president, said that he had talked to Subbaswamy about the decision a number of times and did not think it was the right thing to do.
“The SGA is meant to be a voice of the students,” he said. “To simply dissolve the government and replace it with pop idols is wrong.”
In an email sent out to the campus about the decision, Broughton’s name was among the signatures implying that he agreed with the decision, but the president said that implication was untrue.
Another SGA member said that a rally would be organized for later in the week because, “they’ve always worked for us in the past. Anytime the administration makes a decision, standing outside of the Student Union yelling helps to make our complaints sound legitimate.”
The Spice Girls promised that there would be less controversy and better fashion choices across campus. They also resolved to perform two concerts a month at the Mullins Center, increase friendship across campus and in general spice up the life of the campus community.
“In all honesty, I really really really wanna zigazig ha,” said Bunton. When asked to clarify, Bunton only responded that if the campus wanted to be her lover, they would have to get with her friends.
Ron Burgundy is a man. He is an anchorman.
