By Jenna Talia

Amidst calls for University of Massachusetts student businesses to be allowed to accept Dining Dollars, the University has announced that student-run enterprises will now be able to take Bitcoin.

“The University is proud to announce that our student-led vendors, such as Sylvan Snack Bar, Greeno Sub Shop, Earthfoods Café and Sweets N’ More, will be able to accept the popular decentralized digital currency Bitcoin,” a UMass news release said.

“We applaud the administration’s new policy,” said Student Government Association president-elect Sïonan Barrett. “We felt that in the past student-run businesses were not able to fairly compete with UMass Dining. With the new policy change, places like Greeno can benefit from the low transaction costs, buyer privacy features and worldwide market that the largely mysterious currency has to offer.”

“In terms of responding to calls of unfair competition, I think that this new arrangement will work quite well,” Executive Director of Auxiliary Enterprises Ken Toong said. “No one can say we have a monopoly on campus dining services when Sweets N’ More can sell a cupcake to an anonymous person halfway across the globe. If anything, UMass Dining is fighting an uphill battle now.”

Students and administrators across campus are also ecstatic for what incorporating the shady currency of the Deep Web means for student learning.

“We are especially excited to explore the ways in which students can learn from using this highly ambiguous monetary device that has been denounced by some banks and has been the target of fraud accusations,” said the release.

“Once our students get into the real world as politicians, bankers, lawyers or other careers, they may not be dealing in simple in-person cash transactions. They’re going to need to know how to work in monetary transactions that most human beings simply cannot understand. Otherwise, their careers are probably going to flounder. As a top public university, it’s our responsibility to provide this education.”

Plus, according to Barrett, student businesses really want to use the unregulated cryptocurrency because it’s “hip.”

“Let’s face it,” Barrett said. “Bitcoins are used for some pretty badass black market purchases: fake IDs, drugs, weapons, assassins. Who wouldn’t want to put subs from Greeno on that list?”

According to a recent Morning Wood poll, 78 percent of students agreed that it was cool that student business were beginning to use such a “badass” currency.

Jenna Talia regularly uses Bitcoins to buy Schedule 1 narcotics.

Editor’s Note: A previous version of this article included a tagline that alluded to sexual assault. While this is a satirical piece written in light of April Fools Day, the Daily Collegian takes sexual assault and rape culture seriously, and apologizes to anyone who may have been offended.