By Saylor Twift

Many patrons of the newly renovated Blue Wall have commented that its décor leads customers to imagine they are in a dimly lit nightclub rather than a fine eating establishment.

“Every time I go to Blue Wall, I think I walked into the Red Light District,” said Pajama Sam, a sophomore sleep major. “Like what’s up? Are the cockroaches partying behind the walls?”

On Tuesday, the University of Massachusetts confirmed that was always its intention.

“Blue Wall began as a dive bar, and its time to bring it back to its roots,” Van Sullivan, manager of Campus Center food services, said. “We had to update the interior, expand it, and make it a prime destination for teenagers and college students. But we’re proud of it.”

Sullivan added that in order to prepare for the nightclub, which UMass will hold a contest to name, the eatery has to close at 9 instead of 11 p.m., two hours earlier than it had before the renovation, in order to get the campus and Blue Wall employees accustomed to the impending change.

At the press conference announcing the nightclub, Sam the Minuteman wore a neon mesh top and ripped jean shorts instead of his usual UMass attire. Sam will be on the dance floor every night, according to Sullivan, making sure students and community members are enjoying themselves.

“Everyone knows Sam, everyone loves him. He’s at all the sports games,” said Sullivan. “We wanted to make sure he continues to be integrated into the UMass Dining system, and we decided he would help people feel more comfortable with the transition.”

Chancellor Kumble Subbaswamy also is a key piece to the nightclub. During the opening week, which is scheduled for the first week of the fall semester, Subbaswamy will be the disk jockey, spinning “mad beats” and “hip tunes.”

“I want to make sure UMass has a great time with this new adventure,” the chancellor said, wearing a backwards UMass snapback. “Let’s get ready to Kumble.”

When asked what music he would be playing, Subbaswamy said the playlist would be finalized later this summer. He added, though, that, “in the club, I won’t be the chancellor – I’ll be the party master. DJ Kumble in the house.”

The UMass police chief John Horvath addressed safety concerns, assuring people that the new Blue Wall nightclub wouldn’t endanger the community.

“Mr. Sullivan has assured me that the club won’t open until 10:30 and that no alcohol will be served within the club,” Horvath said. “UMPD also has already begun preparing officers to do pat downs, make students empty their pockets, do two Breathalyzer tests and provide a stool sample before they enter the club. Same thing we would do for any other event on campus.”

Saylor Twift does not want any comments on this article because someday she’ll be living in a big old city, and all you ever are is mean.