Massachusetts Daily Collegian

Reports reveal Subbaswamy unhappy with Super Bowl guest policy

By Morning Wood Staff

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#ImSad #Sportzzz #KumbleSadaswamby #NoRi0t2day #Fight4urright2party

#ImSad #Sportzzz #KumbleSadaswamby #NoRi0t2day #Fight4urright2party

By Eddie B

Previously classified reports reveal that students weren’t the only people on campus upset with the Super Bowl guest policy decision.

According to documents leaked by a University official with knowledge of the situation, University of Massachusetts Chancellor Kumble Subbaswamy was livid with the University’s decision to ban all guests to residential halls on Super Bowl Sunday.

“This is so f***ing bullshit,” Subbaswamy tweeted from a private Twitter account only hours before kickoff.

“I just want to get drunk off of cheap beer with my friends and watch Tom Brady destroy the Seattle Seahawks. I’m not gonna riot. Why does the University have to treat me like an inmate?” the most powerful man on the UMass campus posted on his Facebook page a few minutes later.

The report shows that residential life staff wrote up the chancellor after asking that two guests who were hiding under couches leave during cursory room checks. Eyewitnesses observed Vice Chancellor of Student Affairs and Campus Life Enku Gelaye and UMass Police Chief John Horvath leaving Subbaswamy’s Hillside residence around the same time.

“This is complete crap.” Chancellor Kumble Subbaswamy allegedly told Gelaye and Horvath. “All my bros came up this weekend to watch the game over here, but now I can’t let a single person inside.”

“It’s so unfair that they checked here for guests,” said Subbaswamy in a text message to his wife. “I heard they were only checking rooms in Southwest (Residential Area).”

The Morning Wood spoke with Ben Fisher, a sophomore security monitor who works on desk at the Chancellor’s House.

“I can’t say I agree with the policy myself, but they told us to keep an eye out for people trying to sneak in and out today.” Fisher told the Morning Wood as he eyed a frustrated, arms-crossed Chancellor who sat two rooms down the hall from Fisher’s desk.

Fisher noted an SUV parked outside the Hillside House with several male individuals lingering around it. “Those are the sort of gatherings we need to take note of to make sure everyone has a UCard and lives in each building when they come through the door.”

According to Subbaswamy’s wife, the PhD physicist expressed more frustration over the 24-hour guest ban than he had expressed when he waited in line for an hour to get a clambake meal before realizing that the record setting event at the start of the fall semester had run out.

“I don’t know what UMass officials think they’re going to stop, people are going to find ways around this.” said a frantic Subbaswamy. “In fact, I’m totally going to make a committee to investigate this and make sure this never happens again.”

His wife also confessed that after Malcolm Butler intercepted Russell Wilson’s pass on the goal line to seal the New England Patriots victory, her husband, now in his early 60s, smashed a precious family heirloom in celebration and charged toward the Southwest concourse.

“He muttered something about wanting to ‘rage with his brethren’ as he crashed out the door,” his wife said. “I think it was all his pent up anger over Enku and John getting kicked out.”

Students interviewed in Southwest confirm that the University’s top administrator was present at the celebration.

“Oh man, Kumble was fired up,” said one student, who acknowledged that face of Massachusetts’ flagship public school was the one behind the reoccurring “F*** the Seahawks” chant.

“He even tried to start an anti-Ed Davis chant,” the student continued. “To be honest, we were all kind of freaked out. I don’t know what that man poured in his beverage but he was fuming.”

Multiple students reported seeing UMass’ chief decision-maker attempting to climb one of the trees in the Southwest Concourse.

Eddie B can be reached pretty much anytime and anywhere by anyone for anything. Master Chief can be reached at [email protected]

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