The Morning Wood giving you the latest

By Morning Wood Staff

Graphic Created by Randy Crandon
Graphic Created by Randy Crandon

The Morning Wood is back and filled to the brim. The Commonwealth Honors College plans to secede from the University, while administrators plan an elaborate moat around Whitmore Administration Building this month for safety purposes. The Chancellor continues to exhibit strange behavior since binge-watching popular series House of Cards, including granting RAs and PMs just cause in their contracts. In popular news, the few remaining who use Twitter are witnessing a dramatic change in the interface with the removal of the platform’s “tweet” function, and men’s basketball coach Derek Kellogg officially signed the highest paid hair endorsement deal with L’Oreal.

News:

UMass announces plans for ski lift in Orchard Hill Residential Area

The $3 million installation will be open in 2020.

CHC area government votes to secede from UMass, establish private college

Students want to build a wall separating itself from the rest of campus, plan to make other residential areas pay for construction.

You may need to sit down for this: RAs and PMs finally granted just cause

In sudden change of heart, administration negotiates fair contract for residential life employees.

UMass announces plan to build moat around Whitmore

Construction of a crocodile-filled moat will begin around Whitmore Administration Building sometime in April.

Community rallies after anti-cisgendered attack

UMass chancellor, community, family, friends, and pro-cisgendered activists speak out in response to anti-cisgendered attack

Students riot at The Boulders to protest living conditions

Nearly 100 students gather to protest rent increases, poor apartment maintenance, a lack of security, poor relationships between residents and faulty policies.

Op-Ed:

Subbaswamy ‘somewhat different’ after House of Cards binge

The popular Netflix original series has had an odd effect on the University’s chancellor.

Martin O’Malley wins Democratic primary

Silver Fox Martin O’Malley wins youth and mom vote in Democratic primary.

Urinals: How our infrastructure divides us

Chap Lipsenstock advocates for urinals of equal height and for partitions between urinals to be taken down.

Arts:

Study reveals Fireball whisky never root cause of excessive vomiting

University faculty and graduate research assistants determined the cinnamon-flavored alcoholic beverage has never been a major part of undergraduate party culture.

Eight great first date movies

The Morning Wood provides an eclectic sample of films to help you start off on the right foot with a potential sweetheart.

Hot Takes Up Front reviews ‘Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice’

Nathan Frontiero and Mark Chiarelli offer their hottest takes in this spoiler-filled video review of the new superhero film.

Twitter removes original tweet function

In an effort to address user concerns, the social network has decided to get rid of the original feature from which it takes its name.

Sports:

Best in hair: UMass men’s basketball coach Derek Kellogg scores largest hair endorsement deal in history

Kellogg officially signed the highest paid endorsement deal with L’Oreal in a hair deal to end all hair deals.

UMass football hopes to find new conference where it can be competitive in

UMass athletic director Ryan Bamford has reportedly left several messages at multiple conference commissioners’ offices, but has yet to hear a response.

UMass hockey names Gordon Bombay as its next head coach

After coaching the Mighty Ducks to the Minneapolis District 5 peewee championship in 1992, Bombay will come out of retirement to coach the Minutemen.