Morning Wood: Gardner Museum art heist finally solved

By Morning Wood Staff

(Joseph Mangano/Daily Collegian)

By Angela Spring 

Friday afternoon, it was announced that the thieves responsible for the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum art heist have finally been apprehended. The culprits are the current president and vice president of the United States, Donald Trump and Mike Pence. This development comes just two weeks after the 27th anniversary of the heist.

13 works of art were stolen from the Gardner Museum on March 18, 1990. They were valued at $500 million, and included paintings by Rembrandt, Vermeer and Manet. The paintings were discovered by White House staff when Trump attempted to move them to his new home. According to a staff member who spoke anonymously, he wanted to display them in the Oval Office, except for one, which he planned to send to his close friend Vladimir Putin as a gift thanking him for his help with the election.

Staff members reported their concerns about the stolen artwork to police, who quickly seized the paintings and returned them to the Gardner Museum. The paintings are currently undergoing intensive work to restore them to their original condition after years of mistreatment, just as the United States will have to once Donald Trump’s presidency ends. They are expected to be on display in the museum as soon as August 2017.

When asked why he stole the valuable works of art, Donald Trump said, “They’re just like women. When I see something beautiful, I have to grab it.” However, his accomplice, Pence, continued to deny his involvement in the crime. When asked if he had helped to steal the paintings, the accused homophobe  responded “I don’t go to art museums, because I’m not gay, and only gay people do that.”

Further investigation revealed that the true motive behind the theft was Trump’s desire to own expensive pieces of art, and to have them as insurance in case his businesses ever went bankrupt. If this occurred, he would then sell the paintings on the black market, giving Pence a share of the money.

Careful examination of the security footage from the night of the robbery also confirmed the identities of the culprits, who dressed up as police officers to gain entrance to the museum. However, they obviously were not a good fit for this position of authority, as they abused their power to benefit their own interests.

This heist may have brought Trump the satisfaction of owning rare, expensive paintings, but it now brings uncertainty about the future of his presidency. While it is unlikely that this theft could lead to his impeachment, it is possible. His supporters have rallied behind him after this revelation, with many reasoning that since Trump’s crime doesn’t affect them personally, there was nothing wrong with it. Supporters have also launched several Twitter hashtags expressing their opinions, including #MakePaintingsStolenAgain.

Trump has stated that the paintings should be allowed to stay with him, since they have been there for many years and it is now their home, and should not be forced to return to the museum where they came from; apparently not seeing any irony in this belief.

Angela Spring can be reached exclusively during the winter solstice at 11:50 p.m.