By Lottie Bull

Recently, there’s been a rising trend so vile, so disturbing, it can hardly be believed: women being valued on their competencies. In the street, women walk without being accosted. At work, women are given paid maternity leave (at an equal wage as men, no less!). At the bars, women don’t face repercussions for rejecting a sexual advance. Even at UMass, women are active participants in class discussions. And it’s not just in our daily lives: our government is rampant with women, women whose ideas get more press than their outfits.

I personally take great issue with this. As a woman, I am constantly being seen beyond my body; my ideas are always taken seriously. Do you know how hard it is for me to live my life without being objectified? I have to deal with men who consider me to be assertive, not bossy. Men who listen to “no.” I’m always complimented on my intelligence and sense of humor. The last straw was when a man validated my feelings and emotions. We, women, need to be recognized for what we really are: hysterical vaginas. I want a man to grab my ass on a crowded train. I want to be whooped and hollered at like an animal. I want my doctor to tell me that I am making it up when I complain of pain.

There are some steps we can take to return to rationality: 1) plaster scantily clad women in advertisements, making women constantly aware that their body is a commodity. 2) Rate women based on looks; let them know that their self-worth should only be based on their boobs. 3) Ban birth control; if women are continuously pregnant from puberty until menopause, think about how few tampon boxes you’ll see in the supermarket. 4) Remove women from school; if they do not go to school, then you can feel much less guilty about your Lolita fetish.

Although these ideas may seem a bit ambitious, don’t fear, there are some simple little daily actions that make a big difference. One way is to talk over women. If you are at an academic conference and the woman you are talking to is an expert in medieval literature, interrupt her to give an hour-long recap on the “Game of Thrones” episode from last week. If a woman is sharing her feelings with you, cut her off midway to share how tough you have it. No matter where, when, or with who, it is your duty to ignore what she says and make it all about you; your ego comes first.

Which leads me to my next point. Be a nice guy. Though this technique is both subtle and time-intensive, it provides some of the most effective results. First, befriend a woman. Laugh at her jokes; coincidentally be into everything she is. Eventually, she will come to trust you more. Be empathetic when listening to her feelings. However, the key here is to only pretend to; in actuality, do not care at all. The whole point is to try to sleep with her, and then accuse her of being crazy when she would prefer to stay friends. Do not ever let her feel confident or safe in her relationships or decision-making skills; the only daddy she should not have issues with is you.

Did anyone ask women if they wanted to be treated with respect and dignity? Yes. And that is the problem. If we are to solve this unbelievable problem, it is imperative to devalue and degrade women into nothing but pieces of meat. Let’s marinate them in low self-esteem and let them slow-cook in the fiery hell of whoredom. Even if you start to see women as individuals, resist the urge. Think of those generations of men who fought hard to keep women in the kitchens and out of the voting booths; those many men who resisted their desire to dine with women other than their wives, all to protect her male-imposed honor. Remember, it is not about them; it is about you.

Lottie Bull is the Collegian’s resident token female meninist who enjoys degrading herself and can’t be reached because she needs her husband’s permission.