Morning Wood: So help me god I would rather cut off my own arm than let you have this egg chair

By Morning Wood Staff

(Mark Gunn/Flickr)

By Kath Ledeyard

Dear students of the UMass Library basement,

I see you standing there. If you think I’m going to get up from this chair, think again. Do you not see that my shoes are off? Do you not see that I am already curled up in this beautiful, cozy, soundproof cornucopia like a little baby chick? Unless you’re looking to bring out mama hen, you better back off. I will wreck you.

This is literally the best chair I have ever sat in in my entire life. I didn’t even know these chairs existed until this semester. Why don’t they tell us about these things? It feels like I am taking a nap inside a loaf of bread. I’ll have you know I wore shorts today because there was that one time it was 60 degrees outside and I was pretty sure that meant it was just going to stay warm even though everyone was like “No Kath  it’s February.” Honestly though, I made my commitment to shorts and I’m not backing down now. Just like I’m not backing down from this spot. The hate is motivating. And this chair is really warm. So who is the smart one now?
I have three papers to write and two of them are due tomorrow. One is a research paper and I have not even started the research. So I’m going to be here all day. I’ll stay here all night if I have to. I doubt you can outlast me. You’re just not dedicated enough.

Also, I’m only just starting “Planet Earth II” on my laptop. It’s really good. Wow, it’s seriously so cool. Honestly, I’m going to have to watch at least four more episodes before I can start my work. Have you ever thought about the fact that even though three-toed sloths move incredibly slow on land they are actually great swimmers? Of course you haven’t. You only think about yourself.

So stop peeking around the corner to see if I’m about to leave. I’m not. I would rather cut off one of my limbs, rappel a 60-foot cliff and hike seven miles back to salvation than see you take this egg chair from me.

Oh my god, I just realized that sounds a little bit like that movie “127 Hours.” I think I’ll watch that next before I start my work.

Kath Ledeyard is the Collegian’s resident Big Mama and can be reached by shouting loudly from your room to the kitchen.