Morning Wood: Male birth control side effects: we’re not going to take it!

But I also still don’t want to wear a condom


(courtesy of the male birth control facebook page)

By Chad Barstool, Says he's 25 on eHarmony but is actually 18

Many studies have recently been conducted on dimethandrolone undecanoate, a pill for men to take to prevent pregnancy. Currently, the drug is still in the testing phase and further studies must be conducted to assure its safety and ability to actually decrease the number of “fish in the barrel” (if you know what I mean) in order to prevent pregnancy. Though the drug has been shown to be safe in the short term, longer-term side effects are abhorrent and dangerous.

Apparently, the drug used in the pill causes weight gain, an unnecessary and ridiculous cost to pay for not wanting kids. Personally, I hit the gym two to three times a day, and I lift heavy to get these epic gains. I don’t want to sacrifice my shreds just because I don’t want to have kids right now, it’s just not fair. Also, the pills cause other seriously twisted side effects like having a negative impact on cholesterol, leading to risks of heart disease. The worst part is that the drug was shown to decrease male libido in a significant number of participants in the study. I mean the purpose of this thing in the first place is so I can enjoy sexy time more without fear of any unintended fetal error, and it’s going to take my natural urges away from me? Such a side effect is cruel and ironic.

Even if you want to endure such inhumane consequences, this pill has to be taken with food to even be effective. I mean, I don’t want to have to rush to find something to eat whenever I’m supposed to take this thing. What am I supposed to do, plan out my meals every day in accordance with my medication? Such inconveniences are absurd and should not be considered acceptable.

The lead doctor on the study, Stephanie Page, has said herself, “Our goal—and everyone’s goal in this field—is to develop a method for men that has minimal side effects, and the holy grail would be to develop something that also has a health benefit for men,” but no one seems to be striving for no side effects. Our standards for health should be significantly higher; I think I speak for men everywhere when I say that the side effects for birth control are simply not tolerable. It’s time to do better.

And to top it off, there are like, not that many other options. A few years ago, the Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Medicine tested a hormone shot for men to prevent pregnancy by injecting synthetic testosterone and progestin into the body. The shot was actually 96 percent effective, but all these poor guys had to suffer another ridiculous set of side effects until they finally couldn’t take it anymore and had to leave the study. These shots led to depression and other mood disorders, acne and muscle pain. It is incredibly degrading for anyone to be put through such pain. It isn’t right to have your life and health played with simply to control what your body does.

Like most men, Dr. Seth Cohen, a urologist at NYU Langone Medical Center, was concerned by the study and decided to speak out in defense of men everywhere: “Let’s just say, when I read it, I was highly alarmed,” he said, explaining that putting men on testosterone who have normal testosterone levels is not safe and amounts to a violation of the “ethical clinical practice guidelines.” Indeed, messing with the hormones of a perfectly healthy individual is ridiculous and cruel and should not be tolerated for any study. More men should be speaking out to prevent such techniques from being put on the market while they still pose such horrible risks.

For right now, it’s best to just stick with what works. If women have been the ones to use various birth control methods for years, why should we be trying to mess up the system in place? It simply doesn’t make sense. Lots of women keep advocating for new male birth control methods, and that would be nice and all, but reproduction overall is really a woman’s issue. I mean, it’s like part of being a woman and these feminists should embrace it. Don’t get me wrong, I would totally want to have another option for birth control, but currently the risks are absolutely ridiculous, and no man should have to suffer for simple and fundamental bodily autonomy!

Chad Barstool can be found on Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid, Match, eHarmony and Grindr (but just to “see what it’s like”).