Massachusetts Daily Collegian

Morning Wood: Subbaswamy summons demon to secure No. 1 Dining

Try the summoned demon's own Deviled Eggs

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Morning Wood: Subbaswamy summons demon to secure No. 1 Dining

(Maxwell Zaleski/Daily Collegian graphics)

(Maxwell Zaleski/Daily Collegian graphics)

(Maxwell Zaleski/Daily Collegian graphics)

(Maxwell Zaleski/Daily Collegian graphics)

By Yvonne "That's a French A** Name", Has a French last name

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University of Massachusetts Chancellor Kumble Subbaswamy released a statement discussing the efforts between his administration and the vigilant servants of Satan for the continued prosperity of UMass Dining.

For five years, UMass Dining was among the top dining programs in the country for “Best Campus Food,” as ranked by the Princeton Review. Unwilling to settle for this honorary title, Subbaswamy and members of his administration took further steps to secure the number one spot for the past two years.

The administration initially reached out to Satan seeking advice on how to best reform the University’s dining program to obtain the coveted award and were referred to Kar’axil, a night demon who rules over 20 legions of spirits.

“Given the great responsibilities Lucifer and his minions have in wreaking havoc upon all of humanity and bringing about the destruction of the world, it has been a privilege to have Kar’axil as our new dining consultant,” Subbaswamy stated.

Ken Toong, executive director of Auxiliary Enterprises, would neither confirm nor deny the statement’s references to Satanic interference, only noting that Kar’axil is a dedicated member of the UMass Dining services team.

“This announcement further cements UMass Dining’s reputation for serving up healthy, sustainable and delicious food,” Toong said, adding that Kar’axil was instrumental in planning themed events. “The ice sculptures were all his idea—he said something about not really having ice where he’s from.”

Kar’axil attends monthly meetings with the chancellor and UMass dining staff, following an intricate summoning routine in which a wooden effigy of Minuteman Sam is soaked in the rich and creamy cauliflower bisque and then set ablaze within a pentagram on the Haigis Mall.

“Honestly, working at UMass is the best part of my job,” a low, crackling voice assumed to be Kar’axil whispered seemingly from nowhere in an unprompted interaction as a Morning Wood reporter waited in the Grab n’ Go line at Franklin Dining Commons. “After my friend, Bill, suggested lobsters for Halloween, Kumble and I decided that class was the only way to go.”

Morning Wood staff discovered a message scrawled in the blood of innocents on their office door the next morning, which is assumed to be further comment from the demon.

“UMass Dining No. 1 now and forever,” the note read. “It is done.”

Junior astronomy and food science double major Balthazar D’Hoffryn wasn’t surprised by the chancellor’s announcement.

“I’ve visited other schools, and I knew that UMass Dining was really a gift from above, or I guess, below. Honestly, I’m in full support of Kar’axil’s innovation in UMass Dining,” D’Hoffryn admitted. “It’s not like UMass students were making good use of their mortal souls anyways. We can get our Devil’s Food chocolate cake and eat it too!”

The chancellor hinted he is considering summoning more demons to reach the academia’s greatest potential. New innovations could include student exchange programs to hell and a department of theistic Satanism.

“The state legislature just isn’t cutting it anymore,” Subbaswamy said, pulling on a dark hooded robe over his suit.

His pupils became inky black and expanded rapidly as he added, “Only the fiery pits of hell could unlock our University’s greatest achievements.”

Yvonne “That’s a French A** Name” is not giving out her phone number. She cannot be reached.

 

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