Morning Wood: Surprise, surprise, President Gary Johnson is failing America

Libertarianism isn’t for everyone


(Flickr Creative Commons: Gary Skidmore)

By Julian Stein, Lives on top of Mount Denali

Dear readers of the Morning Wood,

It’s been more than a year since Gary Johnson’s victory in the 2016 election, and even after a year of protests, denunciations and Saturday Night Live skits, I still think it’s worth reminding Americans just how unfit and terrible the president has been. This trail of incompetence began on Inauguration Day, when Johnson embraced the libertarian principles of his party and agreed to let corporate sponsors support the event. In hindsight, it’s incredible anyone would have any optimism after Johnson recited the AT&T Presidential Oath and made the Target Inaugural Address, presented by Taco Bell.

Johnson’s handling of domestic issues has been deplorable, and his inability to make a decision has led to a stagnation in social progress. He hasn’t followed up on his campaign goals to legalize marijuana or lift restrictions on the LGBTQIA+ community. In many cases, his limbo status as a “socially progressive” libertarian has left a Democrat/Republican Congress unwilling to follow him.

Despite being a registered member of the Whig party, I can understand Congress’ treatment of Johnson. His victory over Republican Jim Gilmore, Democrat Martin O’Malley and Flavortonian Guy Fieri shocked everyone, and his policies are out of line with both parties in general. Even when he did gain some support with his wholesale repeal of the Affordable Care Act, it faced severe criticism from nearly all Democrats and most moderate Republicans, and the bill was defeated in the House by a comfortable margin. When sympathetic Republicans suggested a new bill that was a more “skinny repeal,” Johnson infamously stuttered, “Well…um, that would be good.”

So far, Johnson has spent most of late 2017 and early 2018 attempting to remove both the Department of Home Depot Housing and Urban Development and the Coca Cola Department of Education, while also putting a hiring freeze in the State Department. As before, 99.9 percent of Democrats and most blue/purple state Republicans are critical of these changes, citing the damage to thousands, even millions of Americans’ everyday lives. His additional attempts to roll back spending for the Department of Defense have drawn in added establishment and hard right Republicans against the Johnson White House.

Despite this united front of nearly every elected politician, governor and registered voter in the country, Johnson would likely gain more support if he wasn’t spending every weekend and even some weekdays summiting the Nike Presidential mountain range. At this point, one of the easiest criticisms is of his climbing supply company, Largo-A-Mar. His climbing hobby is becoming the law of the land, as many other University of Massachusetts students have echoed concerns of his GEICO Mandatory Mountain Climbing Executive Order. I personally climb Mount Denali (presented by Coke Zero) every day, so I have no qualms with this proposal.

Of course, I have saved the “piece de resistance” for the very end: Johnson’s foreign policy endeavors. When the memes upon memes came about after Johnson didn’t know what Aleppo was, we laughed and moved on. However, this was not the exception for Johnson’s geographic knowledge; it was the rule. When President Johnson ordered a bombing of Azzan, Yemen, only an 11th hour intervention by drone operators prevented a drone strike on Addis Abba, the capital of Ethiopia. Later in the year, Johnson embarked to France to offer condolences to the victims of the Paris attacks. Two hours later, Air Force One landed in Paris—Paris, Texas.

In light of all these failures and inadequacies, few are surprised that Special Counsel Robert Mueller is finding evidence linking the Johnson campaign to an American rival. As Congress crosses the T’s and dots the I’s of the inevitable Ford F-150 impeachment proceeding and Vice President Weld picks out the rugs for his Gatorade Oval Office, President Johnson vainly still maintains he knew no one inside or outside of the Italian government, and that the so called “Rome Hack” was a simple login failure. For me, and for millions of Americans, its “arrivederci” to this American horror story.


Julian Stein can be found on top of Mount Denali, probably high as s**t on an assortment of drugs.