Friday, March 29, 2019

Disturbance

1:31 a.m.: A verbal argument broke out between a male and female on Fisher Street. Upon arrival, police deduced the argument was a result of the male claiming he did not want to engage in physical relations with the female. The male, carrying a copy of the Wall Street Journal, told officers he “did not want to have sex with her,” to which the officers replied, “okay, fair,” and the parties were sent on their way without issue.

2:36 p.m.: A 911 call was placed by the mother of a Girl Scout, who told police that a male approached her daughter and asked for all the Thin Mints she had for sale, but destroyed them instead of purchasing, while berating her daughter about how “Thin Mints suck and so do you.” Police arrived as the male was still berating the young girl, asked him to stop, the male fled on foot, injured both of his legs and didn’t get very far, and was placed under arrest. The male also told police that he’d had “a rough few months” and was just “trying to figure out me.” Officers were uninterested, as is everybody else, sadly.

4:07 p.m.: A 911 cell phone caller reported a woman on the bus harassing other passengers. The woman was allegedly interrogating other people about what languages they speak. When approached by an officer, the involved party told him she was looking for someone who was fluent in Haitian Creole. The officer told her not to bother other riders; she complied.

Suspicious

3:40 p.m.: A female was seen walking around the McDonald’s in Hadley, 374 Russell St., who appeared to be taking photos of the parking lot. Upon arrival, the vertically-challenged female informed an officer that she just enjoyed taking photos and she planned to go into the fast food chain to buy a Big Mac, chicken nuggets, fries and a Sprite. The officer complimented the involved party on her McDonald’s order and sent her on her way.

6:36 p.m.: A reporting party called police about a weird encounter she had with a male on the website “SeekingArrangement.” The 19-year-old female said a 31-year-old male told her he was a millionaire and wanted her to “send pictures of her feet.” An officer told the female to stay off the website.

Theft

10:34 p.m.: A 911 call was made by the staff at Chili’s, 426 Russell St. in Hadley, reporting a couple attempting to steal a dessert called a “skillet cookie.” The couple returned the dessert, and the man, whose hairline suggested he was 42 years old but claimed he was only 21, apologized to the manager on site. The couple promptly left the establishment.

Saturday, March 30, 2019

Assault

12:49 a.m.: A small female was arrested outside of The Spoke, 35 E. Pleasant St. Amherst, after assaulting a male following a verbal altercation. The reporting party claimed the suspect had assaulted the victim with a bottle over his comments about the New York Rangers hockey team, as the suspect had reportedly yelled “this is for Henrik” multiple times during the assault. She was placed under arrest, and told police it was “worth it.”

Noise Complaint

1:31 a.m.: A reporting party informed police of excessive noise coming from North Apartments Building C, University of Massachusetts. Upon arrival, officers heard what sounded like the “Mamma Mia” soundtrack playing at extreme volume from one of the units, and the resident was informed of town bylaws and asked to keep the noise down.

Suspicious

1:32 a.m.: A reporting party reported a male wearing a suit walking along Steal Street in the vicinity of the sorority houses. The reporting party claimed the person looked confused and was carrying a newspaper. Upon police arrival, the man screamed that “time is now a factor” and fled on foot. Police could not locate the man.

11:48 a.m.: A female party was reported smoking cigarettes in a non-smoking area in the vicinity of Presidential Way. The woman was asked by police not to smoke cigarettes in that area. After finishing the cigarette she had in hand, the involved party told the officer she would be admitting herself to the local hospital for “stress-related causes.” The officer realized the woman had bigger issues, and left her alone.

Disturbance

10:34 a.m.: Police reported to Magic Tree Library, 6 House Dr., for a female party reportedly acting irrationally at a children’s book-signing event. The woman was reported shoving children out of the way to get to the front of the line so the author could sign her book. The 20-year-old female told the officer she did not regret her actions because “she waited 14 years for this moment.” The police removed her from the listed location and asked her not to push children.

7:56 p.m.: A male party was reported smoking a “Juul” inside an office building on School Street. The reporting party said the male appeared to believe no one saw him using the “Juul,” but that she could see the smoke and did not want to inhale it. Police asked the involved party to put the smoking device away. The involved party put AirPods in his ears, called the officer “a poor,” and walked away.

11:45 p.m.: A 911 call was made reporting a college-aged male with a bullhorn attempting to raise a peasant militia on the Town Common in Amherst. Police spoke to the male, who seemed to be upset with a professor at UMass, and confiscated his bullhorn and what appeared to be a crossing guard slow/stop sign. He was given a verbal warning and sent on his way.

Motor Vehicle Stop

4:20 p.m.: The operator of a black 2009 Volkswagen Jetta was stopped for going 69 mph in a 35 mph zone. A field sobriety test was conducted and indicated impairment. The operator, a 21-year-old male, admitted to being under the influence of marijuana while on the way to NETA in Northampton, Mass. The involved party was arrested for operating a vehicle under the influence and negligent operation of a motor vehicle to endanger.

4:37 p.m.: A male operating a silver 2006 Buick Lacrosse was stopped by Frat Street after an officer saw him appearing to be falling asleep at the wheel. The male party claimed to be on his way to report on a basketball game and told the officer “I just look tired all the time.” The officer gave the operator a verbal warning and advised that he get some caffeine.

9:12 p.m.: The operator of a gray 2006 Honda Accord was stopped at 3 Quarters Lane after failing to stop at a stop sign. The male operator argued with the officer and was asked to step out of the vehicle. Upon stepping out of the vehicle, the officer was offended by the length of the person’s pants. The 21-year-old was arrested for showing too much ankle.

Breaking & Entering

3:45 p.m.: An unusually-tall male was seen by a reporting party jumping through a window of a home on Trump Drive. Moments later the male was seen jumping back out of the window holding a small dog. Police spoke to the male while he was walking the dog down the street. The involved party stated he did not like the people who lived there and was just taking the “good boy” for a walk. He said he was intending to return the dog to the residence. The officer informed the male that he could not take a dog from a home and was given a written warning.

Vandalism

7:48 p.m.: A reporting party informed police of spray paint on the side the residence at 17 Capricorn Ave. The black spray paint appeared to create a large crossword puzzle on the home. Police went to the residence and was told by the resident that he painted the crossword puzzle himself, and asked officers if they were interested in applying for a position as comics editor. The officers declined, and left.

Pale & Stressed and F— Thin Mints are both currently struggling personally and cannot be reached for comment at this time.