Satire: Here’s why therapy dogs need to go

First the dogs need to go, then we bring in the monkeys

The paws program returned to the UMass campus on Monday April 27 to help student de-stress as finals week approaches. Photo by Robert Rigo.

The paws program returned to the UMass campus on Monday April 27 to help student de-stress as finals week approaches. Photo by Robert Rigo.

“Dogs are just so last year,” says Jawn Dough, a founding member of Simian Sidekicks, a new RSO at the University of Massachusetts. “They scare away the campus geese, don’t have opposable thumbs and really serve no purpose,” he continues. This past week, hundreds of students joined Dough in calling upon the administration to consider their mental health and change the way domesticated animals should be used to benefit the homosapien agenda.

In tandem with these requests, I’m calling upon President Meehan and Chancellor Subbaswamy to help change the narrative surrounding dogs on campus by replacing them with a furry friend: rhesus monkeys.

“As a society we’ve progressed past the need for therapy dogs,” says an official source from Simian Sidekicks. The Morning Wood staff has been asked to keep the source’s identity a secret or else they risk expulsion, along with what other victims have described as an “unwelcome visit” from @goodboyoncampus.

The need to replace dogs on campus with monkeys is dire, but lucky for students UMass has plenty to choose from. After promising PETA she would retire, UMass Experimenter Melinda Novak has secretly been transporting rhesus monkeys from the basement of Tobin Hall all throughout campus via the extensive underground tunnel system. Rumor has it “Upside Down” from the Curious George soundtrack can be heard if you enter the tunnels past 3 a.m.

Ever since the University began renovating its campus and changing admission requirements, there was a shared feeling that some other aspects of campus life need to change too. Students have long complained about the “curb your dog” signs around residential halls while CCPH has released several studies arguing that owning a Canis lupus familiaris Maelitacus puts owners at a 1 in 1.5 chance of being diagnosed with Seasonal Affectionate Disorder.

With more than 18,000 students having virtually signed their name on a Change.org petition created by Dave “Mojo Jojo” Smith, the administration has no other choice but to give in. The funds previously given to dog programming will be reallocated to a new reform program called The Simian Subsidy, financed entirely by students paying Out-Of-State tuition for online classes.

Vigilant student journalists have aptly pointed out this sudden push to include monkey-programming at UMass around the same time 20th Century Fox posted on Handshake: “looking for a college campus with disgusting high-rises and extensive brutalist architecture as the set for the new ‘Planet of the Apes: Adult Apeducation’ film.” According to official sources the movie is set to release May 2022.

One of the major arguments against including pro-monkey programming at UMass is the lack of bananas in dining halls. Students have pointed out there are already too few bananas reserved for NARPS and the presence of monkeys will only make the search for potassium increasingly difficult. As a result, Simian Sidekicks has announced a full-fleshed plan to introduce banana vending machines to each residential hall so whiny students can get their fill. This innovation will also save UMPD time and money by providing them with banana peels instead of blinking yellow lights to slow students who go 2mph over the speed limit.

We need more monkeys on campus because we have a reputation to live up to; we weren’t called zoomass for nothing. The only thing dogs bring to campus is poop and dandruff while the presence of monkeys could redefine what it means to be a minuteman. Hockey games will be so much rowdier. Campus rec will replace every basketball court with an indoor jungle and each pull-up bar will be converted to a monkey bar. Bike lines will be transformed to sprawling jungle paths and the 13th floor of Du Bois will be used to honor famous primates like Koko the Gorilla and Harambe.

It’s only a matter of time until the administration has to listen to its students and if not now, when? The students have asked and as their messenger I call upon our administration to stand up for once and do what they know will make their students happy: get rid of the dogs and give us the monkeys.

Your move, UMass.

Dr. Patterson can be reached at [email protected] or followed on Twitter @deePennyg