Satire: Frats need a lesson in hospitality

They lack these basic skills

Collegian+File+Photo

Collegian File Photo

By Sage Fusco, Collegian Columnist

The business of fraternities has simply gone too far. I can no longer sit and idly watch as frat brothers destroy party culture. Fraternities lack the most basic skills of hosting a party and I don’t how they remain in business.

One of the most shocking things about frats is that they just don’t understand the basics of hospitality, in which you aim to make your guests feel comfortable and at home. All the “mi casa es su casa” type stuff. Rather than invite their guests in with open arms, they blatantly tell people they are not welcome. Two boys were turned away from Ligma Chi and I caught them sulking back home.

They told me they were turned away because they, “didn’t bring 27 girls” along with them. They then said something about a ratio, and then continued to sob. Those two boys were only a couple of the thousands of poor men victim to the ratio. As far as the guests that do get let in, they’re not even given a proper “hello” and are just pushed into the crowd. I mean it’s great that there’s a doorman to hold the door and everything, but it’s not a proper welcome.

A very current issue is that of a coat check, or lack thereof. What’s hot in fashion right now doesn’t necessarily keep you warm, especially with the Massachusetts lows that hit below freezing every night. If frats want their guests dressed up, they must account for the fact that its damn cold outside and only getting colder. Do they want their guests catching a cold on the walk over? I would think not especially when their house is the perfect breeding grounds for any illness. So, they should take a cue from other venues and get a coat check.

There is also the issue of the extreme heat circulating through the oven-like room that all the guests are trapped in. I’m not sure whether they preheat the room to 350 degrees or are simply trying to create an exact replica of the Sahara Dessert. Either way it only adds to the sweat being worked up by the only party activity: dancing on top of other people. The best part of the is that frat guys are simply too cheap to turn on the AC and won’t even hand out drinks of water to refresh their guests.

Not only is there a drought, but have frats ever heard of a cocktail hour? Would it kill them to serve some hors d’oeuvres? I know for sure the pledges need to pay their dues in some way, and them walking around with a tray of snacks could be a top-tier way. And if not as a form of hazing, please just consider that your guests are working up quite the appetite on the dance floor, and without some sustenance they may just leave.

Along with the lack of refreshments, frats are facing the endangerment of seating. Next time you find yourself at a frat give the room a quick little once over and I can bet money that there is not even a couch for you to sit on. On the off chance there is some form of sitting area, it can only accommodate a small percentage of the partiers, and that’s only if these surfaces aren’t already being danced on.

Also, is it too much to ask for some decorations? It is a party… I’m not saying frats should go all out and get an ice sculpture, but a few balloons and maybe some streamers from the dollar store would be nice, especially to fill the empty space where their furniture used to be.

The lighting situation is another problem. Just about any fraternity you walk into has the lights dimmed or completely off. It’s quite plausible they’re trying to save on the electric bill, but I highly doubt that they’re that tight on money with all the dues they pay each month. I can also promise that the lights are not off for naptime, it’s way too loud to sleep. Maybe they do it, so we won’t notice their lack of decorations?

To get some more information, I interviewed Brad and Chad of Krappa Lot and both confirmed that they do in fact have lightbulbs in the house, as do most of the other fraternities on campus. While I’m still in the dark as to why guests are in the dark, I do know one thing: it needs to stop. In the dark anyone could easily trip over the mountains of plastic cups and other various pieces of garbage on the floor, bringing me to my next point.

Now I understand that maybe frats are skimping on decorations and turning off lights for the sake of money — I’m sure you’ve all heard of the poor-college-kid stereotype — but can they at least clean up around the house? It’s quite honestly the least they can do to make their guests feel a little more comfortable and at home.

I interviewed a frequent partygoer and she complained that:

“The bathrooms were like totally gross and I’m pretty sure there was a rat taking a bath in the sink. And my brand-new Nike Air Force One’s are like covered in dirt; they’re like nasty. And I only wore them in Ligma Sigma for 30 minutes.” Plenty of other guests agree, and it’s not just Ligma Sigma at fault. I have plenty of reports complaining about Pi Omicron Omicron Pi’s (POOP’s) stench and the garbage-filled floors of Phi Tappa Kegga.

Plenty of other fraternities were mentioned but the overwhelming consensus is that Greek life is apparently only for the faint of nose. I’m not expecting any of the boys to double as Mrs. Doubtfire, but they should at least try to make their space look presentable if they plan on having guests over.

Straighten your room, pick up the dirty socks, sweep up the floor and tidy the house. It’s not that hard considering brothers are packed into houses like clowns in a car, so, if they all pitch-in the house could look like Cinderella was there in less than 30 minutes. However, it seems as though the brothers simply don’t care or they’ve never had their mother yell at them to clean their rooms before Aunt Marge comes to visit.

Ultimately what it comes down to is frats need to get their acts together and start hosting parties like proper humans. I know their mothers definitely taught them better.

Sage Fusco can be reached at [email protected]