Editor’s note: The following column is satire.
Valentine’s Day, Cupid’s Day, Saint Valentine’s Day—a holiday by many names. A day where happy couples celebrate their love while the rest of us stuff our faces with chocolate and wallow in self-pity, reminded of our loneliness everywhere we look. Despite what you might think, there is hope for us lonely people, but we must look somewhere few dare to look: the gym bros.
If you’ve never seen a “gym bro” before, first of all, congratulations, and second of all, here is a quick guide to identifying them:
If you can see their veins popping out from a mile away, they’re a gym bro. If their water bottle is double the size of your face, they’re a gym bro. If you can hear them grunting from across the gym, they’re a gym bro. If they are wearing a tank top with so little fabric that you think “why bother wearing anything at all?” then they are a gym bro.
If you come across one of them in the wild, or more likely at the gym, don’t let your guard down. They can smell weakness from a mile away. If you happen to accidentally make eye contact with one of them, just back away slowly. Do not make prolonged eye contact, as they will take this as a challenge to a physical competition. Under no circumstances should you challenge them to a physical competition. They take any challenge as a threat to their physical dominance. If you see one of them revving up, run for the hills.
Despite their intimidating, alpha-male nature, gym bros are sweet at heart and will do anything for their one true love: protein powder.
No matter what time of day, day of the week, or month of the year, you can guarantee that gym bros will always be carrying their protein powder. They carry it with them everywhere and guard it with their lives. They are constantly talking about it and are absolutely infatuated with it. We sent our Collegian reporters to the gym to see their “simping” in action.
Reporters approached one gym bro between sets for an interview. He introduced himself by saying, “Call me silverback because you know I’m the alpha.” Reporters did not engage any further with this bro, but later encountered him scooping protein powder by the cup into his mouth.
Women all across campus are astonished by the way men treat protein powder. They put it on a pedestal only comparable to the ones ancient Greeks put their gods on. We spoke to freshman Abbie Donment who was introduced to this culture during her first year on campus.
“I overheard a couple of guys in my hall talking about their different brands of protein powder for 45 minutes. I don’t think any straight man has ever talked about his girlfriend for that long,” Donment said.
Even people who are in relationships with gym bros claim to feel like a third wheel.We spoke to junior Elle Smith who told us, “My boyfriend can pronounce every single ingredient in his protein powder. I’m like 95 percent sure he doesn’t remember my name. We’ve been dating for three years.”
Forget favorite celebrity couples, or T.V. ships, or that one couple from your high school who you are sure will stay together (they won’t). This year, gym bros will make you believe in love again. One day, you may be lucky enough to find someone who looks at you the way a gym bro looks at his protein powder. Just be careful, because there is quite a bit of overlap between gym bros and “Isenbros.”
Asha Baron can be reached at [email protected]