The University of Massachusetts Student Government Association voted to create a new position at their weekly meeting. The position, Secretary of Bureaucracy, was unanimously supported by the Senate.

“We need to make sure that the SGA doesn’t move too quickly,” Senator Filla Buster explained. Buster’s thoughts were echoed by SGA leadership, including the Chair of the SGA Oversight and Reform committee, Anar Key. “SGA has done way too much this semester,” Key explained. “It’s time to do our jobs and make sure that we’re not over-governing the student body.”

The SGA had recently considered a motion to eliminate the positions of president and vice president, but after the debate, they realized that these positions were important. Senator Polly-Tish Ann asked, “Who else can be impeached every year?” The Senate voted to table the motion and pondered the idea of making it a campus referendum.

Following the debate, Chair Key realized that the SGA was being too drastic with what they were trying to pass. “No one is reading the agenda or minutes to see what they are voting on,” Key said. “Senate leadership was just putting random things on the agenda and passing it through without any consideration. If this position is created, it can limit ideas, making sure we can actually prioritize issues for students.”

When pressed on what issues the SGA should focus on, Key could not name one. “I can’t name specifics. I just know that we need to do things differently.”

The student body expressed immense interest in the new position. When questioned on what their thoughts were on the new position, one student asked, “What is the SGA?” When it was clarified that SGA was the Student Government Association, the student replied, “That’s amazing! I’m glad that the SGA is finally deciding to control itself. I had overheard that they were considering banning students from eating at Blue Wall. Thank goodness they’re slowing down.”

“This is a really important position,” President Jim Peachme, explained. “Last week, I almost became unemployed, so I’m glad that we can have more oversight on what the Senate is doing.”

He also disclosed that the SGA had been considering motions that would change the names of the four Morrill science buildings and formally asking the Chancellor to allow his residence to be open to student housing.

“When is enough, enough?” Vice President Arthur Itarian asked. He followed up with the idea that SGA should move to a dictatorship to stop students from becoming mob rule. “At this point, Jim and I should just be in charge of all SGA activities!”

Chan Cellar is a Morning Wood correspondent and can be found wiretapping SGA meetings.