Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

Morning Wood: UMass announces competitive sleeping as newest addition to athletic department

Tryouts open to all students
Graphic by Sophie Weller

When asked what college students are best at, the answer is obvious: sleeping. Early classes slept through, alarms not ringing, and continuous naps make competitive sleeping UMass’ greatest addition to the athletics department yet.

“We want a sport that is open to all students,” athletic director Byan Ramford said. “We want to provide UMass with the opportunity to win another national championship.”

The search has begun for a head coach who will lead the team and has experience with the competitive sleeping. All time and resources have been put towards the hunt, with the department willing to do whatever it takes to get the sport up and running. While the search is ongoing, “Five Minutes More” mattress company has teamed up with UMass to create a facility equipped for the best sleepers in the world.

As one of the leading suppliers of mattresses throughout the world, Ramford and the rest of the athletic department are excited about this collaboration. “Five Minutes More” will also be a major sponsor of the team, with their names featured on the front of the uniforms.

In preparation for the tryouts, UMass began hosting practices, with each student getting their own complementary eye mask and blanket to encourage high attendance. Uniform designs are already in the works, and the school store will begin selling merchandise soon. The store already has more staff working each day to combat the high demand for the shirts and uniforms, and once they are released, the line will surely extend across campus.

Competitive sleeping will model itself after track and field, with different events fit for students who excel in different fields of sleeping. Some are better at napping, and for those there will be power naps, where the students must sleep for just five minutes and then are required to complete a task. The times go up from there, with some events having students sleep for 12 hours to an endurance challenge with a maximum of 24 hours straight, with anyone waking up in between disqualified.

Additionally, there will be field events such as who is fastest or who has the most creative way to turn off an alarm clock. Sound effects will also be played, needing these athletes to sleep through different events like concerts, and in public areas like a shopping mall.

With multiple different events and opportunities, there are many open spots on the team. This allows students who previously didn’t have the chance to earn the title of student athlete to get that and be a hero across campus.

For years, UMass has had common sports dominating the athletics department, but with competitive sleeping, they have a chance to be at the forefront of an emerging activity. Local businesses and large retailers have already begun reaching out to the athletic department to become a sponsor and have their logo featured in the new facility. Maroon couches are already being seen across campus with the UMass logo and competitive sleeping adorning the front. The university is doing all it can to promote this newest sport, and now it is the students turn.

The coaching hunt has been narrowed down to Sleepless Fromm – a Seattle native, and Nappy McPhee. The official announcement is expected to be on Sunday, with tryouts beginning Monday at 7 a.m.

Sleepy Joe Mama can be reached at [email protected] and followed on Twitter @NapStar42069skrt.

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    Robert CallahanApr 1, 2022 at 9:36 am

    The type of headline the MDC would use back in the early 70’s…