Satire: The annual UMass lobster hunt has begun!

Will you be one of the lucky lobster holders?

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Mehroz Kapadia/ Daily Collegian (2019)

By Shane Keiser, Collegian Correspondent

Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.

Great news, people of the University of Massachusetts! Halloweekend is over, and with it has come and gone a night of luxurious dining.

The annual steak and lobster dinner night that UMass holds at each of its dining commons took place on the night of Halloween, that’s Oct. 31 for the unacquainted. Much like how Christmas has Boxing Day, or Black Friday has Cyber Monday, the “eat good” evening has its very own post-event event: The annual UMass Lobster Hunt!

Much like the egg hunts of Easter, lucky campus-goers can scour the lands and buildings of UMass for delightful treats. But instead of chocolate and candy galore, their prize is a delicious, buttery lobster! It goes without saying that more people would go crazy over the succulent crustacean than that boring cocoa-based product. Have you ever seen a food-lover ordering a plate of chocolate at a Michelin Star restaurant? I don’t think so.

Now that the challenge has been set forth, I wouldn’t want to give too much away. After all, the fun in the game lies in the difficulty. However, there are some lobsters that have already been obtained. Congratulations to those who found them!

Lobsters have reportedly been found in toilet bowls and atop doors waiting to prank unknowing innocent people from overhead. One was even caught red-clawed playing poker, going all in on a two-pair (what were they thinking?).

A concerned janitor, Rob Stirr, told a correspondent, “It gave me a right shock to open up the cubicle and see two beady eyes staring right back at me. To be frank, I was also quite embarrassed to intrude. It must have taken a long time to get here from the waters of Maine!”

I wouldn’t recommend trying too hard to keep an eye out for these creatures. As time goes on, you probably have a better chance of searching for it with your nose anyway. All I can say is that once you find your lucky lobster, keep it and cherish it with all your heart. It would be a shame to let such a lobster go to waste.

When you’re done admiring your fishy find, consider leaving it in a new hiding spot for someone else to come across. It’s almost like a pay-it-forward act of kindness. After all, who would want to be selfish with their shellfish?

We asked a student who we caught in the act of hiding her lobster what she thought of the event. Student Jordyn Craw-Fischer, said, “They will replace us one day,” As she carefully positioned the lobster on a makeshift cross among the bushes, wept quietly and sprinted back into the darkness.

Lovable sea creatures aside, we are noticing that there are virtually no steaks included in this wild lobster chase. The chances of finding a steak are slim, if not rare. But if you do find a steak, well done. If you find some STOUFFER’s Mac and Cheese lying around, that’s probably a mistake.

While we understand the thrill of the game, we must be aware of the pitfalls of the hunt. A boiled lobster will not necessarily become reanimated when thrown into the campus pond, nor will it go to Lobster Heaven if its final resting place is in a sock. That being said, there is a pretty high possibility that the lobster we found in a glass of Bud Light might make it there.

Alright, that’s too many hints! Go forth, be sharp and amass your fortune of shiny shelled trophies. If your search goes awry, worry not; there’s always next year, at least until the world run out of lobsters or UMass Dining revamps the menu. May the best hunter win!

Shane Keiser can be reached at [email protected]