Happy Ending: BREAKING: New chancellor revealed as uncircumcised

Students shocked, baffled, horny after leaked C.L.I.T.

Daily+Collegian+%282020%29

Daily Collegian (2020)

By Eric Shen, Sadly Circumcised

Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.

The University of Massachusetts community was befuddled today when leaky documents revealed Chancellor-to-be Buster Cherry’s penis statistics, including his uncircumcised status. The polarizing information came from a leaked penile inspection from Cherry’s Chancellor Launch and Initiation Tests (C.L.I.T.s), which are a series of exams new chancellors must pass before assuming their position.

The C.L.I.T. program was instituted in 1867 after former Chancellor Craven Moorehead left office due to lung issues, causing chaos in the community. Many theorize that prior testing to Moorehead’s reign would’ve revealed his bong ripping habit, which caused his unfortunate condition. While some have questioned the invasiveness of the exams, past chancellors report feeling “positively orgasmsic” after polishing their C.L.I.T.s to completion.

Despite being safely secured in the Franklin Dining Commons dish room, Cherry got his C.L.I.T. stolen by an unknown culprit. Dining Hall Managers Dixon Cider, Pete Nus and Phil Mahole were taken to the Mount Ida campus for rigorous interrogation, according to UMass Police Department Grand Inquisitor Rusty Butts, a former Guantanamo interrogator.

“I don’t have a lot of experience with C.L.I.T.s, I’m more of a probing investigator,” Butts said. Despite this, he hopes to get to the bottom of whoever exposed the bare documents and said that he is tightly clenching down on leaky information. He’ll let us know when he has a big release.

Cherry’s C.L.I.T. went viral and splattered across the screens of every student in the Commonwealth, causing panic and boners in many concerned citizens. Length, girth, weight, coloration and circumcision status statistics were released, according to University Health Services Erector Peter Fitzinwell.

“Out of all the chancellors I’ve examined, Cherry had the most impressive results. Great shape, slight curve and a hefty weight. He’s packing for sure,” Fitizinwell said, in between bites of a banana. Fitiznwell wasn’t the only one shocked, as SGA Head of Head Ben Dover released a statement on the behalf of the government:

“I think the campus community is a little worried right now. Knowing that our chancellor-to-be still has his foreskin sparks a question about diversity. Is he going to think he’s better than us because he still has all his nerve endings? What does this mean for those who weren’t given a choice at birth? At the end of the day, I’m open to having an uncut chancellor, but he has a lot to prove,” Dover said in the statement.

UMass Spokesperson Neil Anblomi expressed similar concern, screaming through sobs over the phone, “Yeah, I’m circumcised, so what? It’s not my fault my wife hasn’t touched me in years. Not everyone can have a hefty, girthy turtlenecked member like Cherry’s. I just don’t think it’s OK that we’re all expected to compare to that.” Anblomi declined to comment about rumors regarding Cherry’s alleged affair with Anblomi’s wife.

However, UMass students exhibited both sexual confusion and deep arousal after the C.L.I.T. was leaked.

“You know, sometimes I wished I still had my foreskin,” Mike Oxhurts, a recently single and long-time circumcised anatomy student, said. “My girl left me for Sam the Minuteman last semester. He’s so sexy and has a full, beautiful foreskin. Knowing that Cherry has a similar penis really makes me think about my ex and her fantasies. I miss her so much.”

“I like my boys uncut,” visibly aroused 3D modeling student Dill Deaux explained. “I want to stare into the eyes of Cherry’s hooded cobra and wait for it to strike. Every time I read one of the silly little emails he sends after a human rights violation happens on campus, my whole body blushes.”

Deaux is currently working on a 3D approximation of what Cherry’s penis looks like, according to his C.L.I.T. She plans to manufacture replicas for the campus community. “It’s a long, hard process to cover every inch of his anteater, but I’m more than willing to do it for my chancellor,” Deaux finished.

Chancellor Cherry has yet to comment on his leaky C.L.I.T., but we can expect an email written by one of his interns soon.

Eric Shen can be reached at eshe[email protected] and unfollowed on Twitter @EricShen.